SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 14, 2023 Edition  

Reparation Recipients Need Servants

Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga) hammered GOP opposition to the flood of immigrants flowing across our southern border, calling it "more white oppression of the Black man. Just when we are on the brink of getting reparations for the slavery and discrimination inflicted on us by white supremacists, Republicans want to cut off our access to the cheap labor we will need to support our raised standard of living."

Echoing remarks previously uttered by Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D-Wa), Johnson said "I want to ask my colleagues across the aisle who will clean our mansions, cook our meals, wash our laundry, tend our yards, and chauffeur us around when we are rich? Who will pick our crops, construct our buildings, clean our offices, and pick up our trash after Blacks are freed from these labors?"

Rep. Mike Gallagher (R-Wis) challenged Johnson's reasoning, saying "putting aside the explicit racism of his comments and examining the way the Biden Administration is handling the massive influx of illegal border-crossers, the assumption that these people will work for low wages may be erroneous. The Democrats are granting them extensive benefits--housing, medical care, food--all paid for by taxpayers. They may not be eager to become the serfs Rep. Johnson envisions."

Action Needed to Fight Climate Change

The threat of climate change is so dire that the World Economic Forum founder Klaus Schwab is demanding that "standards of living in the west must be reduced by at least 75% if there is to be any hope of saving the planet. Every individual would have to give up personal car use, energy usage, meat-eating, and other wasteful so-called necessities. For most people, this lifestyle would mean abject poverty, misery and minimal, if any, freedoms."

Of course, Schwab himself lives a life of unconstrained luxury and expects to continue to do so "because I am not like most people. I am the genius who must have the freedom and resources I need to sustain my planet-saving crusade."

China is by far the world's leading emitter of planet-warming gases, accounting for as much as the next five nations combined. Yet, Schwab is not pressing for China to make the same kind of reductions in emissions "because it is the perfect model for how society should be organized. An elite is free to dictate whatever policies it deems necessary for the good of society. It has no 'bill of rights' or Judeo-Christian myths of the so-called individual's right to life, liberty, or the pursuit of happiness. It can totally focus on the collective welfare of all to the exclusion of any other interfering notions."

Fellow WEF member Dennis Meadows offered what he called "a more merciful approach for averting the climate change disaster. Rather than make everyone suffer a 75% reduction in standard of living it would be kinder to eliminate 86% of the current population so the surviving 14% could sustain a higher standard of living. Rather than nearly universal misery, the unneeded masses would be granted oblivion so the fortunate minority could live comfortably."

Apprised of these options Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga) pointed out that "Blacks make up about 13% of the population in the US. Designating us as the chosen survivors could be the most feasible way of redressing the grievances caused by the hundreds of years of slavery and discrimination inflicted on us. The other 1% could be set aside for Hispanic immigrants so that every Black household would have an opportunity to have a live-in servant to tend their needs 24/7."

"Green" Military Will Ensure Peace with China

At a recent Senate Armed Services Committee hearing, Department of Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm defended the goal of having all army vehicles be electric-powered, saying "as the President has said on numerous occasions, climate change is a bigger threat to the planet than nuclear war. Converting our armed forces to an all-electric vehicle fleet perfectly prioritizes this bigger threat."

"Some have pointed out that the majority of rare materials needed for electric-vehicle batteries come from China," Granholm observed. "The implication is that this would put our military readiness at the mercy of a potentially hostile China. What these critics overlook is that this commercial relationship would strengthen the financial bonds between our two countries and lessen the incentive for going to war with each other. This would free up military assets in both countries for other uses."

"As our intelligence agencies have warned, in the US the Catholic Church represents a serious threat of domestic terrorism," the Secretary claimed. "China is also battling against a similar threat. Instead of going to war with each other, the economic partnership needed to build an all-electric military with Chinese inputs can unify our two great nations in a common cause against a common enemy."

"What a lot of people don't appreciate is that the entire Biden family has been diligently working to improve the financial bonds between us and China," Granholm pointed out. "That the services the Bidens have rendered for China have been of value is demonstrated by the millions of dollars that have changed hands. This mutually valuable interchange should not be casually thrown away out of some visceral hatred of China or the courageous family that has broken new ground in our quest for a peaceful partnership with the world's greatest military power and most innovative form of government in world history. The President understands this. That is why he has repeatedly said he is not concerned about China. Let's not tear down what he has built."

When Rep. Byron Donalds (R-Fla) was apprised of Granholm's testimony, he called her characterization of the Biden family's business relationship with the Chinese government "pure fantasy. The Treasury Department documents I saw portrayed a complex web of transactions that the family went to great lengths to conceal. The Biden family doesn't really have a business. There is no legitimate product or service for sale. Promises of public policy favors were traded for cash payments. This is illegal and unethical. The notion that any tangible benefit for this country could be achieved by these machinations is ludicrous."

Congressman Calls for Presidential Edict on Debt Limit

Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC), the congressman most responsible for getting Joe Biden elected president, has called for his protegee "to bypass the House bill authorizing an increase in the debt limit and unilaterally decree it himself. Look, the whole American people elected Biden to be their president. This is a mandate that cannot be matched by House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) who won only one district in his state. In a democracy, the person with the most votes gets to rule the country. That person is Biden. He should rule us."

McCarthy rejected Clyburn's call for one-man rule, saying "ours is a government of divided and counterbalancing powers. Every other increase in the debt limit has been passed by Congress after a comprise was negotiated between both Parties. Granted, I represent only one district, but representatives from a majority of the districts passed a bill that would raise the debt limit in exchange for some reductions in spending. The galloping inflation we are seeing is due in large part to excessive government spending. Ignoring this source of the problem and demanding that the spending spree must continue without restraint is fiscally imprudent."

"I am a big proponent of executive authority when the right person is in power," Clyburn said in rebuttal. "If Trump were still president there's no way I would ever support a simple decree on the debt or anything else. Fortunately, by the grace of God, Trump is not the president. Joe Biden is a man of integrity, wisdom, and compassion. I have total faith that whatever he does is for the good of the country. I think it is everyone's duty to support the man the people chose to lead America. It's the only way we can achieve the unity we all crave."

Bid to Stop SNAP Being Spent on Junk Food

Concerned that the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) is enabling the poor to finance unhealthy diets, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla) urged reform. "Obesity is a growing health problem," he said. "Yet, 20% of the SNAP money is used to buy junk food. This is perverse. SNAP needs to be changed."

Xavier Becerra, Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services, objected, saying "if people who are not on welfare remain free to purchase junk food, denying this right to those dependent on government benefits the same rights makes them second-class citizens. If we are going to bar anyone from buying junk food we should bar everyone from buying it. Short of that, all should be equally free to eat poorly."

Rubio argued that "wards of the state should not be enabled to fund unhealthful food. People who have difficulties supporting themselves don't need the added problem of a poor diet. The least we can do is not allow SNAP cards to be used to buy soft drinks, salty snacks, or sugary desserts."

Becerra dismissed Rubio's proposal as "futile. Right now, SNAP can't be used to purchase liquor. Many people in the SNAP program sell their cards at a discount to get cash to spend on liquor and street drugs. The only way to ensure that unhealthy habits wouldn't be enabled would be to have dining halls where all the SNAP beneficiaries could be fed a nutritious diet. But that would entail a degree of regimentation that is only justified for military recruits."

NYC Subway Hero Arrested

Daniel Penny, the former Marine who subdued Jordan Neely--the man who was terrorizing riders on a New York City subway--was arrested on a charge of manslaughter and could be sentenced to 15 years in prison if convicted.

Neely had previously been arrested 42 times by NYC police. Three of these arrests were for assaults on women in the subway. In the most recent incident he was pacing up and down a subway car shouting that he wanted to get arrested and would kill someone if that was what it took to accomplish this end. Several people, including Penny--who put him in a choke hold--restrained him. Neely later died.

At first, Penny was neither arrested or charged with any crime, but after a little encouragement from Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) who called Penny "a vigilante and murderer" and Mayor Eric Adams who declared "one of our own is dead, a Black man, Black like me, a man named Jordan, a name I gave my son," --Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg decided to bring charges.

"Jordan Neely is exactly the type of person our state's criminal reform was intended to protect," Bragg said. "He's Black, crazy, and a repeat offender. His assailant is white, nauseatingly polite, and concerned about the safety of women and children. His kind have had their way with the world for too long. It's time they get a taste of what it is like to be abused by the system. A stretch in the state pen will give him a criminal record that will wreck the rest of his life. It is my job to make that happen."

In related news, homeless veterans are being evicted from NY hotels to make room for the illegal migrants expected to be bused into the state as part of the Biden Administration's plan to redistribute the surge of southern border-crossers. Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre explained "the President is prepared to use whatever measures he deems necessary to achieve his goal of welcoming as many newcomers to the United States as we can. This is also one of the reasons why the federal debt limit must be raised without conditions. Access to the trillions of dollars that will be needed to meet this goal must be completely unfettered."