SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 21, 2024 Edition  

Trump Accuser Deletes Evidence

E. Jean Carroll's second suit against former President Donald Trump for defamation of character took an ugly turn this week when it was discovered that she had deleted evidence that had been subpoenaed by Trump's defense team. On the witness stand Carroll admitted that she deleted the subpoenaed emails because she didn't want to upset her lawyers. Following this admission of illegally destroying evidence, Trump's lawyer Alina Habba moved for a mistrial.

Presiding Judge Lewis Kaplan denied the mistrial request, saying that "the requested evidence is irrelevant. It is beyond dispute that Trump continues to contend that he is innocent of the charges for which he was already found guilty in Ms. Carroll's first suit against him. His own words make him a verdict denier. Continuing to argue his innocence further defames Ms. Carroll. His only legitimate option at this point is to admit guilt. Failing that Ms. Carroll has an unlimited right to repeatedly sue him for damages to her reputation."

Kaplan also cited the precedent of former FBI Director James Comey's absolution of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's deletion of subpoenaed email evidence of her violation of national security laws in 2016. "If no reasonable prosecutor would charge her this much more serious crime there is no basis for charging a lesser person for a similar, but less significant crime. If you recall, Sec. Clinton was in the midst of a critical battle against Trump to try to save our democracy from him and his MAGA terrorists. In the context of this battle Clinton's minor indiscretions had to be put aside. Ms. Carroll's suit against Trump is another front in the ongoing battle against this enemy of democracy. She deserves the same leniency as Clinton got."

Brothers Charged with Obstruction

In addition to the usual charges of unauthorized parading and trespassing inside the US Capitol building, the Department of Justice (DOJ) has added charges of "obstructing the Capitol Police" against Aaron James and his brother Isaac Westbury. Specifically, between 2:42 and 2:44 pm on January 6, 2021 they tried to shield Rosanne Boyland from being beaten to death by these "officers of the law."

Attorney General Merrick Garland asserted that "by attempting to physically impede the lawfully administered beat-down of this elderly woman they made bodily contact with the officers. This resulted in cuts and bruises that would not have occurred if not for the brothers' interference. Violence against armed members of law-enforcement cannot be tolerated in our democracy. Respect for these brave Capitol Police officers is essential for maintaining the peace and order required of a civilized society."

In related news, the DOJ acknowledged that Hunter Biden's laptop, which has been in the DOJ's possession since 2019 and was known not to be "Russian disinformation" at that time, was "an inadvertent error." Later, the FBI declared and 51current and former national security officials jointly signed an open letter falsely stating that it was Russian disinformation when it was known to be a genuine record of the President's son's criminal activity was also "an unfortunate slip-up". Garland affirmed that "none of these individuals will be prosecuted because their deception was carried out for the noble purpose of undermining the MAGA threat to our democracy. If the truth had been told voters may well have elected more enemies of democracy—including Trump and Republican members of Congress in the 2020 and 2022 elections."

China Develops New Coronavirus with 100% Kill Rate

Dissatisfied with the poor results of its COVID-19 pandemic, scientists in China have announced the development of a new mutation (known as GX_P2V) that has achieved a 100% fatality rate among the "humanized mice" used as test subjects. Every rodent was dead within eight days of the onset of infection.

China's Minister of Science and Technology Yin Hejun congratulated his staff "for this remarkable breakthrough. Instead of the largely ineffectual and minor respiratory impacts of our previous attempt our new virus actually liquefies the brain. Survival once infected is virtually impossible."

Yin acknowledged that "this virus has the potential to eliminate all animal life on Earth. So it is very risky. It is crucial that we do our utmost to avoid the kind of accidental release of this pathogen that occurred with COVID in 2019 until we have developed an antidote to protect the Chinese people. In the meantime, the knowledge that China possesses a doomsday weapon should deter attacks on us by the anti-progressive imperialists of the West. At the very least, our reincorporation of Taiwan into the Chinese empire should go unopposed."

Professor Francois Balloux, an infectious disease expert at University College London, called the research "appalling in its arrogance. It has the potential to be the ultimate crime against humanity and bring about the destruction of all life on our planet."

Professor Richard Ebright, a chemist at Rutgers University in New Jersey, echoed Balloux's concerns, saying "the pure malevolence of such research is unbounded. There is no legitimate scientific justification for it."

Dr. Anthony Fauci disagreed, pointing out that "there is no guarantee that a deadly virus like this could evolve on its own. By forging ahead like the Chinese have done we at least will have a chance that an antidote might be found before a naturally evolving super bug decimates life on Earth. That's why I have always supported gain-of-function research of this type."

This breakthrough was the topic of some discussion at the World Economic Forum meeting in Davos this week. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, the director general of WHO, observed that "we must keep an open mind. Right now, the human population is more than ten times as large as is optimal for preventing dangerous climate change. Some efficient and merciful method is needed to whittle it down to a safer level. We mustn't be too harsh in our judgment of those who are exploring potentially effective remedies."

In related news, Professor Emeritus Masanori Fukushima of Kyoto University announced that "a systematic review of thousands of papers on COVID has found side effects after vaccination that have increased the mortality rate for leukemia, breast cancer, ovarian cancer and other diseases. There are also indications of increased incidences of mental disorders, psychiatric symptoms, depression, mania, and anxiety. The purported remedy of vaccination may actually have been worse than COVID itself."

Biden Accuses Republicans of Censorship

President Biden went on the radio to claim that "Republicans are trying to ban books from school libraries. Freedom to read is fundamental to both education and democracy. The idea that kids can be told that they can't read certain books is a Nazi tactic. This is the United States of America for God's sake. Everyone should be free to read whatever he wants."

The kind of books targeted by Republicans are Gender Queer and All Boys Are Blue. These books contain overtly sexual themes and pornographic imagery. Maia Kobabe, the non-binary author of Gender Queer, agrees that the book is not suitable for children.

Minnesota Governor Tim Walz (D) argues that "exposure to these types of books is a critical tool for helping a child determine which gender is appropriate for them. Parents can't be trusted to provide this kind of literature. That's why school libraries and teachers have to step in to fill the gap. The stories these books tell and the images used in the illustrations provide vital information to help each child to make the proper gender affirmation decision. Democrats are the only ones who have the courage to defend this right to choose. The tyranny of arbitrarily confining children to the gender assigned to them at birth must be overthrown."

Fani Willis Defends Herself

Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis lashed out at critics of her liaison with special prosecutor Nathan Wade saying "there are plenty of white folks in the Georgia government who have done the same things I've done with Nate. They don't get criticized. Why am I their only target? I'll tell you why. I'm Black. The same racists who enslaved my ancestors are blaming me for imitating the norms allowed for whites."

"Nate is a great friend and a great lawyer," Willis continued. "Unlike anyone else I could've hired to be special prosecutor, he was willing to share a portion of the fees he earned by taking me on some top notch vacation getaways. His generosity shows a strength of character that I wish was more common among others I have hired during my term in office. I'm sorry to say that neither John Floyd nor Anna Cross have spent any of the fees they received on me even though I hired them."

"I'm not perfect, but neither is the man I'm prosecuting," Willis added. "Donald Trump has had numerous affairs, paid sexual partners to be quiet about them, and been sued by women accusing him of improper behavior. In addition to being on trial for interfering in the 2020 election in Georgia he is under indictment for instigating the January 6 insurrection against the federal government. On top of this, he has been declared an enemy of democracy by President Biden. He is not without sin. He and his minions are not entitled to cast stones at me."

"Migrants Are the Lifeblood of America"

So says the top Democrat on the House Judiciary Committee Rep. Jared Nadler (D-NY). "The fact is that the birth rate in this country is way below replacement level," he said. "We need immigrants to pick the vegetables and have the babies that lazy Americans refuse to. Fortunately tens, maybe hundreds of millions of people want to migrate to the United States."

Rep. Delia Ramirez (D-Ill) bolstered Nadler's assertions, saying "the millions crossing our border with Mexico ensure that we will be able to eat."

Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D-Wa) claimed that "study after study has proven that the US economy is driven by immigrants, both documented and undocumented."

Leftist economist Paul Krugman wrote a column in the New York Times saying "we desperately need these migrants as workers to help us cope with the needs of our aging population."

The problem is that the millions illegally let into the country by the Biden Administration have, thus far, been an army of dependents more than producers. Sanctuary cities are diverting funds away from services for citizen taxpayers in order to feed and house millions of these migrants. New York City is experiencing increases in shoplifting, panhandling, gutter scams, and prostitution near the places where migrants have been provided with food and living quarters.

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre brushed aside what she called "growing pains. Eventually these millions of immigrants will supply the votes needed to defeat the enemies of democracy that are plotting to oust the President and other Democrats from office in the elections this coming November. The sacrifices we are asking Americans to make in order to support the additional people needed to save our democracy are minor compared to the suffering they will experience under a Trump dictatorship."

In related news, the Biden Administration threatened Texas that if it doesn't stop its efforts to stem the flow of migrants that President Biden has invited into our country they will face consequences. Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas explained that "the situation is analogous to when South Carolina fired on Fort Sumter in 1861 starting the Civil War. Texas' claim that they are enforcing a federal law that the Administration has neglected to enforce won't shield them from the President's righteous wrath. Federal rule is the supreme law of the land. Resistance to its authority is insurrection and will be met with as much force as is required to suppress the Texans' rebellion."

FAA Diversity Push May Reduce Safety

The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) policy to increase diversity, equality, and inclusiveness in its workforce may make flying more risky. Part of the diversity being sought is to employ more people with severe intellectual disabilities, psychiatric problems, and other mental and physical ailments.

Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg pointed out that "people with severe mental and physical disabilities are the most underrepresented segment of the federal workforce. We must address this inequity. In my opinion, the increased risk is minimal in comparison with the greater good that will be accomplished by giving persons who might otherwise be unemployable the feeling that they are making a contribution to society."

Elon Musk wondered "whether people who fly would make the same trade-off of safety for the 'feel good slogans' touted by daft politicians like Buttigieg?"