SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 28, 2024 Edition  

Feds Threaten Texas

In response to the Biden Administration's failure to protect Texas from being invaded by foreigners, Gov. Greg Abbott (R) cited Articles I and IV of the US Constitution as justification for deploying the state's own defensive tactic of erecting razor wire and deploying volunteers to deter these invaders. In turn, the Administration cited Article VI's national supremacy clause to support it's demand that Texas stand aside and allow federal agents to control its border with Mexico.

Abbott insisted that "the law is on our side. On top of the constitutional obligation to protect every state from invasion there are also federal statutes barring illegal entry into this country by foreigners. Yet, the Biden Administration refuses to enforce these laws. The hordes of illegal migrants that he has allowed to flood into our country present clear and present dangers to public safety. In the past 12 years illegal migrants have been charged with 509,000 criminal offenses including 940 homicides, 64,127 assaults, 9,246 burglaries, 1,128 kidnappings, 25,441 thefts, 2,912 robberies, 6,422 sexual assaults, 7,410 other sexual offenses, and 6,193 illegal weapon charges."

Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas blamed the Texas crime wave on "the inadequate housing and welfare provided by the state. These mostly illiterate and impoverished newcomers had to turn to crime just to survive. However, I'm not here to quibble over statistics. I'm here to point out that the real issue is who has ultimate power over our national borders. Texas is only one state. The federal government has authority over all 50 states. And as President Biden has pointed out on several occasions, the federal government has more troops, air power, and nukes than any state. Texas must yield or face total annihilation."

Texas is not an "outlier" on the issue of the invasion occurring along our southern border. A majority of voters characterize the massive flood of migrants as an invasion. The Republican Governors Association has issued a statement in favor of Texas' right to defend itself from this invasion. Governors of 17 states have each individually voiced their support for Texas in this dispute.

In related news, former President Trump's call for "all willing states to deploy their National Guard troops to Texas to help prevent entry of illegal immigrants" prompted Special Prosecutor Jack Smith to declare "this is the smoking gun that will finish Trump. Sending armed troops against federal officers and soldiers is what Jefferson Davis did in 1861 and is what inspired the adoption of the Fourteenth Amendment barring him and his fellow insurrectionists from ever holding public office again. We now have grounds for Judge Chutkan to direct the jury to convict Trump in his trial for instigating the January 6, 2021 insurrection at the Capitol."

Collusion with Biden "Confidential" Says Willis

This week, Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis refused to hand over communications between herself and the White House regarding coordinating her prosecution of Trump with President Biden's reelection campaign to House Judiciary Committee chairman Jim Jordan (R-Ohio). "These documents will be kept confidential as part of the 'attorney-client privilege,'" she contended.

Jordan challenged her assertion of privilege, saying "she is the prosecutor. She doesn't have a client. Neither does she have a legitimate purpose in discussing the political ramifications of her case against Trump with the President. That would be an abuse of her office. Since taxpayers pay her salary they are the closest thing she has to a client. They deserve to know how she is spending her time and their money. Elected representatives of these taxpayers have already filed Articles of Impeachment against her because of her conduct in this prosecution. The person she is seeking to protect is herself."

Willis called Jordan's remarks "racist and disrespectful. You notice that he didn't challenge the President on this issue. He challenged me. That's because I am what he considers an uppity Black woman. Well, I'm also a loyal American who answered the President's request for coordination so he could more effectively oppose Trump's efforts to depose him and destroy our democracy. Jordan is an ally of Trump in his campaign to end democracy in this country. I will not yield to his evil demands."

In related news, in an effort to balance out the seeming impropriety of the $654,000 Willis paid Nathan Wade to assist in her prosecution of Trump, she has also requested $611,000 from the Fulton County Board of Commissioners to purchase new vehicles for her staff. Chairman of the Fulton County audit committee, Bob Ellis, pointed out that "she promised in her 2020 election campaign that she wouldn't sleep with her staffers. Until she satisfies us that her luxury vacations with Mr. Wade were a necessary activity in the course of their collaboration in preparing the case against Mr. Trump I don't think we should be giving her any more money."

Farming Is Wrecking the Climate

Special Presidential Envoy for Climate John Kerry gave a speech at the World Economic Forum calling for "an end to farming. Once we can inform people that agriculture contributes about 33% of all the CO2 emissions of the world we may be able to get the widespread support we need to eliminate this major source of climate change. In our modern world very few people buy their food from farmers. Most of them get their food from supermarkets. I, myself, get most of my food from restaurants and official banquets like the one we're all having here today. So, farming is far less important than it once was. Governments around the world need to impose regulations and penalties that will divert the efforts of farmers into more beneficial uses."

"While there is plenty of food at supermarkets there are millions who cannot afford to buy it," Kerry pointed out. "Governments can play a bigger role to mitigate this inequity by transferring wealth from those who have too much--like farmers--and giving it to those who don't have enough--like refugees. Hard work like farming requires a more robust diet. The idleness facilitated by government welfare minimizes caloric needs. So, by shifting more of the human population away from the high calories needed to work toward the lower calories needed to sit around watching TV will reduce the amount of food needed."

Chairman of the House Committee on Agriculture Glenn Thompson (R-Pa) lambasted Kerry's criticism of agriculture as "imbecilic. First of all, without farmers there would be no food in the supermarkets, restaurants, or fancy banquets Mr. Kerry cites as better alternatives. Second, growing crops absorb CO2 and emit oxygen. They are part of a process that enables all animal life on the planet. Third, throughout Earth's history the climate has changed. At times CO2 concentrations have been larger than they are currently. This includes periods when there were no humans. Obviously, there are more potent influences on climate than burning the fossil fuels that make life as comfortable and feasible as it is in the modern world."

Apprised of Thompson's criticism, Kerry brushed it aside "as the kind of self-serving propaganda one should expect from a life-long dairy farmer."

Yet Another Problem with EVs

Most people are already aware that electric vehicles (EVs) cost more to buy, have a more limited range, are expensive to repair, and that charging stations in rural areas are few and far between. This winter we learned that many EVs are incapacitated by cold weather.

Now that the EVs have been on the road awhile owners are having pay $1,500 to replace all the tires after about 8,000-10,000 miles of driving. Not only is this more expensive than for gasoline-powered cars whose tires typically last four times as long. It is also highly polluting. Breathing in the four-times as many tiny tire particles that flake off during EV travel is unhealthy.

Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg insists that "no one said that the transition away from fossil-fuels would be painless. When did Americans become such pansies? Our forefathers were able to bear months-long trips across the continent in oxen-drawn covered wagons. There were no roads, bridges, or 'service stations.' If anything broke they had to repair it themselves. Maybe sacrificing some mobility is the price we have to pay to save the planet from climate change."

In related news, Toyota Chairman Akio Toyoda predicts that "EVs will never capture more than 30% of the market for personal vehicles. They are too expensive and too unreliable to attract a larger share of vehicle purchases." Buttigieg dismissed this prediction, saying "what Mr. Toyoda overlooks is the fact that governments can and will outlaw the manufacture and use of fossil-fueled vehicles. Then anyone who wants a personal vehicle will be forced to settle for whatever EVs are available."

Dems Delete Evidence

Whenever voters elect a new majority party in either House of Congress the outgoing majority party is legally required to turn over files that were previously withheld from the minority party. After Republicans gained the majority in the elections of November 2022 former Chairman of the House Select Committee on Jan. 6 Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-Ms) promised to turn over the four terabytes of archived data. Only two terabytes of data were received by the Republicans.

When Chairman of the House Administration Committee's Oversight Subcommittee Rep. Barry Loudermilk (R-Ga) was unsuccessful in his effort to obtain the missing data from Thompson he hired forensic investigators who found that 100 of missing files had been deleted on Jan 1, 2023--just days before they were supposed to have been turned over. The 100 files are password protected. Yet, Thompson has so far refused to provide these passwords to Loudermilk.

"It's obvious that Pelosi's Select Committee went to great lengths to prevent Americans from seeing certain documents produced in their investigation," Loudermilk said. "It also appears that Bennie Thompson and Liz Cheney intended to obstruct our Subcommittee by failing to preserve critical information and videos as required by House rules."

"The information in the deleted files cannot be allowed to fall into the wrong hands," Thompson explained. "The Democratic Party is battling against the enemies of democracy. Loudermilk is one of those enemies. If it takes breaking the law to keep them from getting their hands on these files, so be it. I'm confident that Attorney General Garland won't prosecute me. I doubt Loudermilk could even get a majority of his own Party to agree to sanction me for violating the requirement to surrender these files to them. So, there's nothing they can do to make me give them what they want."

In related news, Germany is on the verge of outlawing the right-wing populist Alternative for Germany (AfD) party. Chancellor Olaf Scholz asserted "these right-wing extremists are attacking our democracy. We must take action to prevent them from seducing voters to elect them to power if democracy is to be saved." Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre called Scholz "remarkably insightful and courageous. We've been meek by comparison. Only a few states have attempted to keep Trump off the ballot when we should be banning every member of the Republican Party from being on this year's ballot. In Germany progressives have taken to the streets to demand that AfD be banned. If we could get that kind of support here the President would have the mandate he needs to ban Republicans from the ballot here."

Elite Solidly Back Biden

A study done by the Committee to Unleash Prosperity found that the opinions of the elite top 1% in America differ substantially from the opinions of the majority. Nearly 60% of the elite think there is too much freedom for ordinary people in America. Seventy percent trust the government to do the right thing most of the time. A majority favor banning SUVs, gas stoves, air conditioning, and non-essential air travel. Eighty-four percent approve of the job Joe Biden has done as president.

The Biden for President campaign manager Jennifer Brigid O'Malley Dillon observed that "it is a good sign that the best-and-brightest among us are solidly behind the government and support the reelection of President Biden. When we combine this with all the new voters the President has brought into the country since he took office and our Party's traditional advantage in vote harvesting we will drub the MAGA riffraff come November. President Biden's margin of victory will easily exceed what he achieved in 2020 and super-majorities for the Democratic Party in both the House and Senate appear within reach."