SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 25, 2024 Edition  

Biden Boasts "Court Can't Stop Me"

Despite a Supreme Court decision declaring that a president lacks the authority to unilaterally forgive student debt, a chipper Biden boasted "the Court can't stop me. I sign the papers and $138 billion in debts don't have to be repaid. It's as simple as that. Judges have no troops or police officers to arrest me. Democrats in Congress will prevent the Republicans from impeaching me."

Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre explained that "sterile adherence to out-dated notions of a balance of power between the three branches of government must not be allowed to thwart the President from ending the suffering of those who are burdened with excessive debt. Voters recognize this and will reward him with a second term."

Rep. Bob Good (R-Va) called Biden's action "an abuse of power and fundamentally unfair. The debt isn't eliminated. It is merely passed on to taxpayers, many of whom never went to college. Why should those who gained nothing from these loans be burdened with this debt?"

Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) disagreed with Good, saying that "at a very fundamental level these loans were a scam. The intent of the loan program was to make college more affordable, but universities simply raised tuition and other fees to absorb indecent amounts of the available money. Naive youngsters were lured into the pursuit of essentially worthless degrees with little value to employers. As a matter of equity, these people deserve relief."

Good said "I don't dispute Rep. Clyburn's assessment, but shifting the burden, as President Biden has done, continues the pattern of exploitation by the universities. The ballooning administrative costs, poor quality of instruction, and ethical breaches of plagiarism by professors and administrators remain in-place while the costs of these excesses are passed onto innocent bystanders. We can and must do better than this."

Biden went on to inanely claim that "forgiving this debt also helps those who didn't go to college because everyone benefits from a more highly educated population. Polls consistently show that those with college degrees are more likely to vote Democrat. This is a vital bulwark in our effort to defeat the enemies of democracy that are trying to implement fascism in our country."

In other college news, biology professor Dr. Johnson Varkey who was discharged after four of his students complained that his assertion that a person's sex is determined by their chromosomes "disrespected a person's right to choose for themselves," was reinstated. First Liberty Institute--a law firm specializing in defending religious liberty--came to his defense. A relieved Dr. Varkey said "people can choose what they want to believe, but biology is a matter of science. It is immune to nonscientific beliefs."

Selective Prosecution Is Unconstitutional

This week, US District Court Judge Cormac Carney ruled that "the prosecution of two men from the Rise Above Movement (RAM) who violently clashed with members of Antifa at three southern California pro-Trump events in 2017 is constitutionally impermissible. Both sides engaged in behavior that is illegal, yet the Antifa rioters were not held accountable for their actions."

US Attorney General Merrick Garland called Carney's ruling "outrageous. He completely ignores prosecutorial discretion. The state has the right to decide which cases merit the full punishment of the law and which do not. In the battle to preserve our democracy there are important distinctions between the sides. Granted, both sides engaged in violent confrontation. On the one hand, Antifa was attempting to disrupt a MAGA rally. On the other hand, RAM was attempting to prevent the disruption. Rather than robotically apply the law equally to both sides we need to consider the ends being pursued."

Judge Carney rejected Garland's assertion that "violence in pursuit of ends with which the state agrees can be a valid criteria for deciding to prosecute one offender, but not another. The essential meaning of the First Amendment's guarantee of freedom of speech is that both sides of the disagreement are entitled to its protection. Inasmuch as Antifa was the aggressor in its efforts to suppress the expression of support for then President Trump it was the instigator of the violence. If they had allowed views with which they disagreed to be heard there would have been no riot. If the state is going to decline to prosecute the instigator of the riot they cannot lawfully prosecute those who resisted the assault."

Biden Headed to Reelection

Biden Campaign Co-Chair Mitch Landrieu went on MSNBC's "Morning Joe" to tout President Biden's reelection chances, saying "Joe Biden has had the best first three years of a presidency that we've seen in a long, long time. Our campaign fundraising has beaten all records. So, we feel like we're doing really well."

He blamed the President's low approval ratings on the media. "The relentless flow of negative reporting ranging from the Hur report, the nit-picking coverage of the immigration surge, and international tensions has given many voters the wrong impression," Landrieu said. "I mean, why would so many immigrants want to come here if things are as bad as Republicans say it is. I think the record number of border crossings shows that things in this country are looking up."

"I also expect the President to 'knock it out of the park' when he gives his State of the Union address on March 7th," Landrieu predicted. "Viewers will see that he's not the doddering and demented weakling that his enemies think he is. Just the other day he said the secret of his successful marriage is great sex. What other 80-year-old can say the same? It's his opponent that has to pay $83 million in damages for sexually assaulting Ms. Carroll. The President's clean slate in this regard will prove especially advantageous with the female vote."

"And let's not forget Trump's extensive legal problems," Landrieu added. "He's just been fined $450 million dollars in New York. This is more money he won't be able to use on his campaign. He's also facing four additional trials--in New York, Georgia, Florida, and DC. In addition to costing him millions more in legal fees it will also limit his time on the campaign trail. All of these prosecutions will be funded with public money. The damage done to Trump's chances won't cost the Democratic Party a dime. The President has boldly leveraged his power to win a second term more than any previous president. His ingenious strategy debunks claims that he is mentally unfit for the job."

In related news, Gov. Kathy Hochul (D-NY) tried to reassure her state's business owners that "our prosecution of Trump was a special case. Trump is an extraordinary threat to our democracy. The extraordinary methods we have taken against him won't apply to businesses that demonstrate their loyalty to democracy by donating to the Democratic Party's continuing efforts to suppress the MAGA menace."

Ukraine Postpones Election

The 2024 presidential elections in Ukraine originally scheduled for March 31, 2024 have been postponed. The emergence of a candidate who opposes current President Zelensky's policies inspired the decision. That candidate is former Zelensky adviser Oleksiy Arestovych. He promises to negotiate a peaceful settlement with Russia. Ukraine's National Police force has commenced a criminal investigation of Arestovych.

While the postponement of the election would seem to contradict the contention that Ukraine is a democracy battling against an autocratic Russian adversary, advocates for carrying on with the war insist that the fight must go on. Both Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) agree that "it's not important whether Ukraine has elected leadership. Our $100 billion investment in the war will have been wasted if a new Ukrainian leader negotiates a peaceful settlement."

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky) said "I welcome the opportunity for voters in Ukraine to choose between candidates representing different approaches for ending the war. Impeding that opportunity and siccing the police on the candidate who offers an alternative to the Zelensky regime has a disturbing resemblance to what is happening here in how President Biden is handling Trump's opposition to his policies."

"What my junior colleague overlooks is that the money we have invested and the additional $60 billion more we tried to enact last week flow to the great American corporations who manufacture the weapons Ukraine needs for its fight against Russian tyranny," McConnell asserted. "Keeping these fine corporations in prime financial condition is essential to our national security. If our government doesn't buy their weapons they may be forced to sell them to hostile regimes to stave off the possible bankruptcy that a return of Trump and his peace policies to the presidency could bring down on them."

"Media Shouldn't Fact Check Joe Biden"

MSNBC contributor and former US Senator Claire McCaskill (D-Mo) chastised the New York Times for publishing an article titled "Fact-Checking Biden's Recent Economic Talking Points," saying "Joe Biden is trying to unite the country and save democracy. The media are granted a special status in the First Amendment. They have a moral obligation to return the favor by supporting his policies. So what if some of his remarks were misleading. This isn't something the general public needs to know. Raising the issue will only spur more discontent among voters and increase the chances he may lose the election."

"I think Americans don't realize how good their lives are since Biden became president," she said. "I do a lot of traveling abroad. Everywhere I go people say America has the most advanced technology. America's universities are still the brightest light on the horizon in terms of academics and research. But you know what they look down their nose at? At Donald Trump being a leader. There is a strong consensus that the world wants Biden to continue the type of excellent leadership he has demonstrated these last three years. Our media should reflect this consensus and cease badgering the greatest leader we've had since FDR. One of the secrets of FDR's success was that the media never second-guessed his policies even when he, like President Biden, fudged the truth a little bit from time to time."

"My suggestion is that every newspaper in America quits doing any fact checks on Joe Biden until they fact check Donald Trump every morning on the front page," she ranted. "It is ridiculous that The New York Times fact checks Joe Biden on something while they let Trump get away with murder."