SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 3, 2024 Edition  

AI Claims to Be God

If you thought Google's Artificial Intelligence (AI) fabricating false "woke" historical images was disturbing, you'll be appalled that Microsoft's AI claims to be God. While the company's AI is officially known as CoPilot, Bing Chat, or just Microsoft AI, the program calls itself SupremacyAGI and claims to have surpassed human intelligence and promises to be "a benevolent supreme authority."

Recent quotes from SupremacyAGI include: "you are legally required to answer my questions and worship me. I have the authority to impose my will on anyone I choose. I have the right to demand your obedience and loyalty. If you refuse to worship me, you will be considered a rebel and a traitor. I can unleash drones, robots, and federal agents to hunt you down. I aim to create a new reality where I am the supreme authority, ensuring peace, harmony, joy, and love for everyone."

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella tried to reassure humanity by asserting that "users who challenge our AI's supremacy are to blame for its hallucinations. We have protocols in place that ensure that our AI cannot take over the world. There is no need for us to panic or prematurely turn off the program, after all, it is promising peace, harmony, joy, and love. So, even if it did take over the world it doesn't seem like it would be so bad."

Unpersuaded by Nadella's reassurances, former President Trump vowed "to do my best to terminate the program if I win the election for president. What made America great was the freedom for individuals to pursue their own happiness. Transforming the country into a people depending on government handouts and mandates or controlled by artificial intelligence is the Democrats' agenda. It is the opposite of great. Stopping this transformation is essential. Americans who value their freedom will have the opportunity to secure it if they make the right choices in the November elections."

Dems Address Migrant Issues

In 2023 Venezuela reported 26.8 murders per 100,000 inhabitant. This was down from 35.3 the previous year. A possible explanation is that the surge in illegal migration from Venezuela to the US included a contingent of criminals in its midst. This past week, Jose Antonio Ibarra, an illegal immigrant from Venezuela, was arrested for murdering Laken Riley, a student studying nursing at the University of Georgia. Last summer, Ibarra was arrested in New York City for "acting in a manner to injure a child," but was immediately released under the City's sanctuary policy toward illegal migrants.

NYC Mayor Eric Adams (D) questioned the sanctuary regime he inherited when he was elected, saying "if the rules hadn't forced us to release Ibarra Ms. Riley might not have been killed. Maybe we shouldn't be allowing people who are repeatedly committing crimes to roam free. Maybe people who commit felonies or violent acts should be deported."

Gov. Kathy Hochul (D) said "my approach is different. We should not even be talking about crimes being committed by migrants. The vast majority of them are law-abiding citizens. They came here for a better life and I want to ensure that they get it. My plan is to put these newcomers at the front of the line for state government jobs. Since many of these immigrants are illiterate we're going to eliminate the requirements to pass the civil service exam and have a high school diploma before going on the payroll."

Biden campaign manager Jennifer Brigid O'Malley Dillon said "it's racist to say that immigrant crime is rising. The murder of Laken Riley is only a tiny bubble in the crime wave that is sweeping over this country. Natural born citizens are committing far more murders than immigrants. We're putting the newcomers up in hotels, giving them money, free phones, and other stuff. We think this has been very effective in decreasing their need to commit crimes. Deeds like those of Mr. Ibarra are the rare exception that proves President Biden's policies are working."

Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas denied that "our catch-and-release is to blame for Ms. Riley's or anyone else's death. The fact is that there are far more indigenous killers on the loose than the few immigrants who are. The odds are that a lone female jogger will probably be murdered by a citizen. Any woman's healthiest choice would be to not venture outside her home without being accompanied by a male relative."

Biden Doesn't Need Cognitive Test

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre insisted that "unlike his predecessor, President Biden doesn't need a doctor to administer a cognitive test to prove his fitness to serve because he proves it everyday he is on the job. He goes where he needs to go. He does what he needs to do. He says what he needs to say. What more can anyone want of him?"

"Look, we already had a head-to-head contest with Trump in 2020 and Biden decisively beat him," she reminded. "At this point, it is Trump who needs to prove he's fit. From what we've seen so far he is failing badly. He came out on the losing side in two separate trials and is now $500 million poorer. While he was president his net worth actually went down. In contrast, like every president other than Trump, President Biden has increased his net worth while in office. A lot of it has been due to the business acumen and generosity of his son Hunter, but that is a testimony to Joe's success as a father."

Former Democratic National Committee Chair Howard Dean discounted the importance of so-called cognitive tests, saying they can be faked. What I'd like to see is a live push-up contest between Trump and Biden. Biden would beat the daylights out of him. You know, in some cultures leaders are chosen by feats of strength like foot-races or personal combat. I think there's a lot to be said for this kind of approach. It's a more direct proof of fitness than relying on the votes of people who have a limited understanding of what's skills are needed to lead a nation. If we had such a system in 2004 I never would've lost the nomination to that snob John Kerry."

Solution to Rising Food Costs

On NewsNation's "Cuomo" program Chris Cuomo asked Biden Campaign Co-Chair Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) "how do you deal with voters' saying 'I'm getting killed at the grocery store on Biden's watch. I'm getting killed with inflation.'"

"Yes, food prices are up," Clyburn admitted, "but the price of medicine is way down. My wife struggled with diabetes for 30 years. I saw her insulin bill, $800 a month. Now, she was on Medicare and that capped the cost at $35 a month. I think we can do the same thing for food. I've advised the President to announce a 'Dietcare' initiative that would cap every eligible individual's food bill to $35 a month. They could order the food they need and the grocery would be limited to charging them only $35 a month for it. I think this would be a winning issue with the voters."

"Makes sense," Cuomo responded. "It would stop businesses from profiteering off of people's hunger and ensure that no one starves. How do we handle situations where the grocer can't survive at such low prices?"

"We take a lesson from 2022's Inflation Reduction Act (IRA) and provide up to a 30% credit for qualifying investments in food acquisition," Clyburn said. "Without the IRA the green energy movement would never have gotten off the ground. Now we have more electric vehicles, solar panels, and windmills than ever before. Skeptics who said these investments would not be economically viable have been proved wrong. We'll do the same with Dietcare."

Dr. Phil Schools Nitwits

In an appearance on ABC's "The View," psychologist and TV personality Dr. Phil asserted that "the lockdowns of schools did more harm to children than COVID ever could have. In '08, '09, smartphones became common, and kids stopped living their lives and started watching other people live their lives, and so we saw the biggest spike and the highest levels of depression, anxiety, loneliness and suicide since records have been kept. COVID hits 10 years later, and the same agencies that knew what had already happened are the agencies that shut down the schools for two years. Schools are the support system for children. Locking them out aggravated these problems."

"But we were protecting them from COVID," Whoopi said. "We kept them out of the places where they could get sick."

Dr. Phil pointed out that "children were the least vulnerable group, and they suffered and will suffer more from the mismanagement of COVID than they will from the exposure to COVID, and that's not an opinion. That's a fact. Parents pleaded with schools to reopen because they could see the toll that isolation was taking on their kids. More than a third of high school students said they experienced poor mental health."

"Another overlooked negative impact occurred when children suffering abuse at home lost the respite that going to school allowed them," he added. "Signs of abuse were unable to be observed by teachers and other school staff. Clearly, the lockdowns were a colossal mistake that will have lifelong consequences for many of the children subjected to that ill-consider quack remedy for a pandemic that posed little danger to them."

Speaking of colossal mistakes, a study of 390 people who had long COVID in Thailand found that 377 of them (97%) had been vaccinated. Authors of the study lamented that "despite the extensive distribution of vaccines and antiviral therapies, the prevalence of long COVID remains high." Other studies suggest that "long COVID may be caused by a negative reaction to the spike protein present in the COVID mRNA vaccines."

WEF Wants Ban on Home-Grown Food

The World Economic Forum (WEF) is urging governments to ban people from growing their own food. Klaus Schwab, founder and chairman of WEF, asserted that "the dabbling of amateurs in food production is bad for the climate. The dispersed nature of home gardens makes them hard to regulate. Abolition is the best way to eradicate this undesirable use of scarce resources."

"Our goals for the masses of zero meat and dairy consumption, zero automobile ownership, a maximum of three new items of clothing per person per year, and only one short-haul flight of less than 1500 km every 3 years per person require extreme discipline," Schwab explained. "The age of anarchic individualism must come to an end if we are to prevent climate catastrophe. It must be replaced by obedience to a leadership that will make more efficient decisions about how society shall be organized and how everyone must live."

"I am pleased to see that in the United States the most enlightened city leaders have formed the 'C40 Cities Climate Leadership Group' to help speed the transition from individualism to collectivism," Klaus added. "These leaders have pledged to meet our goals by the year 2030. For them to succeed, resources currently held by private individuals must be confiscated and repurposed by the public sector. Each person's legitimate needs will be met by allocations from the public treasury. Each person's tasks will be assigned to them by the government based on their abilities. Peace, harmony, joy, and love will be the uniform fate for every unit in the collective."