OPINION

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
04-13-2024 

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 14, 2024 Edition  
 

"Death to America" Called "Legitimate Viewpoint"

At an anti-Israel demonstration in Dearborn, Michigan, Tarek Bazzi led the crowd in chants of "death to America." When Fox reporter Hillary Vaughn asked Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) about this the Congresswoman called the chant "a legitimate viewpoint. If my constituents feel this way it is my duty to honestly represent their views in Congress."

"The whole world knows that Israel is the instigator of most of the world's problems," she added. "The October 7 attack was a justified response to these instigations. Israel has been illegally occupying Palestinian lands since 1948. Any actions taken to try to persuade the Jews to leave are warranted. Those who oppose these actions are Islamophobic and racist."

Biden campaign spokesperson Charles Lutvak hastened to assert that "President Biden has condemned these chants as abhorrent and antisemitic and hopes that his Muslim supporters can look beyond the historic enmity between Jews and Muslims to the positive feelings the Democratic Party has for members of the Religion of Peace and the concrete steps it has taken to gain their trust."

In related news, the Borderline Dance team was kicked out of the Emerald City Hoedown in Seattle because their American flag themed shirts made too many of the LGBTQ+ dance community feel "triggered and unsafe." Borderline Dance team co-captain Lindsay Stamp revealed that "the Hoedown people warned us that we would be heckled if we wore the shirts. When we said we would risk it, they told us we had no choice--if we didn't wear an approved shirt we couldn't go on stage because Hamas supporters expected to attend are offended by the American flag. It seems that friends of terrorists have more say over what's acceptable in our country than patriotic Americans do."

Mourning the Passing of OJ Simpson

This week, former football star, accused murderer, and convicted armed robber OJ Simpson died of cancer. White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre expressed condolences saying "our thoughts are with his family during this difficult time. In many ways, he led a tragic life. On the one hand, there were the glories of his achievements on the football field and in the movies he starred in. On the other, there was the tragic murder of his wife Nicole. He was left as a single father of his two young children after a jury found him not guilty of murdering their mother."

In a bid to rescue his reputation following his somewhat dubious acquittal, Simpson wrote If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer in the hope that his imaginary account of the murders as they could have occurred if he had committed them would help police find the real killers. However, the case still remains unsolved.

CNN's Stephanie Elam saw his acquittal in the trial "as providing a modicum of solace to the Black community. So many people were just happy to see that someone who is rich and famous, and black, could get away with the same kind of crime that so many white people have inflicted on Black slaves during America's ugly history. When the jury verdict was read live on Oprah's TV show in 1995 the audience cheered. So, on a grander scale a sort of cosmic justice may have been achieved."

In other news, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg insists that "fear of rising crime is overblown. I regularly walk my dog on the so-called 'crime ridden streets of the nation's capital. Neither I, my dog, or any member of my armed security detail has ever been attacked by a street thug in the more than three years I've lived here." Other area residents haven't been as lucky. On the same day Buttigieg bragged about how safe the streets are two people walking their dog in his neighborhood were assaulted by six juveniles.

Trump Called "Crazy and Reckless"

Former President Trump's opposition to the extension of an unrevised Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) was labeled as "crazy and reckless" by former Attorney General Bill Barr. "FISA is an essential tool for our intelligence community to have access to the communications of our potential enemies so they can keep all of us safe."

Trump pointed to "the abuse of FISA to spy on me and others who the deep state and the Biden Administration have designated as so-called 'enemies of democracy' needs to stop. Listen, labeling one's political opponents as enemies is the real threat to democracy. It's not only Republicans who have been targeted. Robert Kennedy Jr has been targeted and has correctly identified Biden's efforts to censor views he disagrees with as the real enemy of democracy. Legal scholars like Professor Jonathan Turley also oppose this abuse of FISA by the government."

Barr admitted that "spying on and censoring political opponents is not optimal, but I think it is a risk worth taking. All modern governments have secret police to help ensure that the evil plans of foreign entities can be detected in advance and countered before they are carried out. Requiring our FBI to obtain court warrants before they spy on domestic political opponents, as Trump and some others demand, could be a fatal mistake. For all we know, these objectors to warrantless surveillance could be in league with our foreign adversaries. It wasn't too long ago that Trump was alleged to be working with Russia to undermine the candidacy of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election. The fact that he defeated her demonstrates the danger and the need for the type of unrestrained authority we should want our FBI to have."

Mayorkas Defends Biden Border Policy

With a potential impeachment trial in the US Senate looming, Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas sparred with Senators in a budget hearing over his alleged mishandling of border security.

Sen. John Kennedy (R-La) pointed out that "a recent Rasmussen survey shows that 57% of likely voters and 68% of Hispanics believe President Biden is importing migrants to the US to create a permanent Democrat majority. Are they wrong?"

The Secretary scoffed, saying "the notion that we intend to allow illegal immigration is nothing short of preposterous. We are simply overwhelmed by the massive numbers of migrants seeking a better life in this country. They are escaping corrupt rulers, pervasive crime, and poverty in their home countries. We don't have the funding needed to stop them nor the will to thwart their dreams."

"What about the rape, human trafficking, prostitution, and child labor that many migrant women and children are suffering on the journey?" Kennedy asked. "I doubt these perils are part of their dreams of a better life."

"Senator, the migrants are well aware of the gauntlet they must run when the border is heavily guarded by criminal cartels," Mayorkas replied. "Their decision to assume these risks shows how awful their lives must have been in their home countries. It is the Republicans who resist migration that adds to the travails of these victims. If they would give us the funding we have requested we could afford to fly more than just a few hundred thousand over the lands controlled by the cartels to new homes in safe American cities."

Sen. Jon Tester (D-Mont), considered one of the most vulnerable senators up for reelection, asserted "the American people don't support the flood of migrants surging across our southern border. They know that we're in a situation that needs immediate repair, immediate fixing, immediate overhaul. The Administration's refusal to recognize this is endangering every Democrat's chance of being reelected."

"Senator, there is no need for any Democrat to fret," Mayorkas reassured. "The same election strategy and machinery that enabled President Biden and most other Democrats to coast to victory in 2020 and 2022--winning the presidency, a majority in the Senate and dramatically reducing the Republican majority in the House to a mere sliver--are still in place. The ballots we need will be found, the voter identification requirements have been neutralized, the mules necessary to harvest and cast the ballots are being recruited and trained. None of the polls account for these built-in advantages. The odds are that you will be defeated are extremely slim."

Trump's Position on Abortion Slammed

This week former President Donald Trump announced that "my position on abortion is that we should follow the Supreme Court's ruling that the Tenth Amendment to the US Constitution leaves the power to determine whether abortions are legal up to the states. Given the strongly held differences on this issue, it is obvious that there is no consensus among voters. Under these circumstances, the best resolution is to use the 'laboratory of democracy' created by our federal system to try out different approaches in different states."

The New York Times complained that "Trump chose politics over principles. Every enlightened thinker realizes that the right to obtain an abortion is essential to women's health and freedom. Those who oppose this right are simply wrong. The only ethical policy is for government to provide this right for every woman by funding it from public money. To do less is to compromise with evil."

Sen. Mark Kelly (D-Az) called the Supreme Court's decision "a return to the same 'states' rights philosophy' that justified slavery and Jim Crow laws. Only this time the victims are every woman capable of bearing children. The next step will be a ban on contraception and conscripting women as breeding stock for the rich and powerful. I'm sorry to see that Arizona has literally returned to the horrendous 1864 ban on the desperately needed abortions that Democrats are trying to enshrine in federal law."

First Lady Jill Biden contrasted "Trump's depraved opposition to women's health with my husband's sacrifice of his own religious objections to abortion in order to unify the country behind the simple principle that it is a woman's right to control her own body, to decide whether or not to have an abortion for any reason and at any time. To make women's liberation complete, Joe generously has determined to have the government fund the procedure so that lack of money will not force anyone to bear an unwanted child."

Trump acknowledged that "not everyone will be happy with my decision. But neither will everyone be happy with the Democrats' determination to force everyone who opposes abortion to fund it with their taxes. Unity isn't feasible. Compromise is. By allowing different policies in different states contention can be moderated and peaceful coexistence can prevail. Perhaps with time and mutual toleration a more enlightened and merciful future can evolve. In my opinion, aborting a child by dismembering it in the womb in the third trimester of his or her life is cruel and heartless. Maybe in time more people will come to agree with me on that. In the meantime I believe it would be useful to move away from vilifying those who do not yet agree on the issue."

In related news, Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Mn) warned that "President Trump picked Judges who believe that elected representatives are the people who should make our laws. That's what led to the Supreme Court being packed with people who abandoned the abortion rights granted by the 1973 Supreme Court and created the confusing mess we see today with each state deciding for itself whether abortion will be allowed, restricted, or outlawed. Democrats are united in the belief that the old Roe v. Wade rights ought to be restored. Women who want the right to terminate their unwanted pregnancies have only one logical choice in this year's elections--vote Democrat as early and as often as they can in every jurisdiction in which they may find themselves in the days between now and November."

Hogg Bested in Debate

Already under fire for misspending most of the money donated to the March for Our Lives PAC he co-founded, gun control activist David Hogg was unable to make a coherent response to Lily Tang Williams' criticisms of his gun-control efforts. Ms. Williams immigrated from China, became a US citizen and is now running for Congress in New Hampshire.

"You say no one should have the right to own a gun," Ms Williams said. "Well, in China, no private citizen is allowed to have guns. No one has an effective self-defense against government tyranny. The communist government murdered millions of its own citizens. If the American government takes away the people's guns can you guarantee it won't become tyrannical like China is?"

Hogg admitted that "there no way I or anyone could guarantee that the American government won't turn tyrannical. But we have a democracy. That means the people elect their rulers. I don't think the people would elect someone who would take away their rights."

"But you are campaigning for candidates who do want to take away the people's rights to own firearms," Williams reminded him. "Historically, taking guns away from the people is one of the first acts of tyrannical governments. When the people are armed it is dangerous for tyrants."

"Well, President Biden is a champion of democracy," Hogg said. "He's fighting against the enemies of democracy. He is the anti-tyrant."

"Really?" Williams asked. "Let's look at some of the tyrannical things he has done as president. He is ruling by decree rather than persuading Congress to enact the laws he thinks we should have. He has secretly had the FBI pressure media outlets into censoring people who disagree with his policies. He coerced millions into getting injected with an inadequately tested experimental vaccine by threatening their jobs. He is using lawfare to consume the time and money of his main opponent in the upcoming election. Are these not the actions we've seen in tyrannical regimes around the world?"

"Look, nobody's perfect," Hogg asserted. "At some point you just have to have faith that good intentions will lead to good results. If only the government had guns we wouldn't see the kinds of rogue mass murders that killed 17 of my high school classmates in 2018. The only people who would be shot would be those that the government has to shoot to protect the safety of innocent humans."

In related news, Gavin O'Blennis, an employee of the CIA, was videoed by an undercover journalist with Sound Investigations saying "the FBI can put anyone in jail…set 'em up! We call it a nudge."

Student Loan Bailout Will Enable Foreign Travel

Rep. Alexandria Ocasion-Cortez (D-NY) went on the Late Show where she and host discussed a little known potential benefit of shifting the burden of paying off college debt from the students who borrowed the money to taxpayers.

"One of my greatest regrets after I got out of college is that I had to go to work to pay off my student loans," the Congresswoman lamented. "This seemed so unfair when many of my rich classmates had the money to go abroad to experience the world and all its wonders. If my loans had been forgiven I could've used the payments I had to make on my debt to travel. Unfortunately for me, the president when I graduated in 2011 didn't think he had the authority to forgive student debt."

"President Biden, however, is more concerned with doing the right thing regardless of whether he has the legal authority to do it," AOC said. "He's fended off objections and forged ahead to cancel billions of dollars of student debt. He cares enough about the well-being of young people to go the extra mile and give them a helping hand in their pursuit of happiness."