SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 21, 2024 Edition  

"Appalling Arrest"

Rep. Ilhan Omar's (D-Minn) daughter Isra Hirsi was one of 108 students arrested at the request of Columbia University President Nemat "Minouche" Shafik. "I took this extraordinary step because these are extraordinary circumstances. The individuals who established the encampment violated a long list of rules and policies. The vile and overt anti-Semitism has made many other students feel unsafe."

Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) called the arrests "an unjustified suppression of freedom of speech. These students are protesting Israel's indiscriminate massacre of Palestinians in retaliation for Hamas' heroic October attack against the Jews' illegal occupation of Palestine. Instead of removing these protesters from Columbia's grounds we should be removing Jews from the Palestinian land they stole in 1948."

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) pointed out that "Hirsi is not only an exemplary student, but the daughter of a member of Congress. She is no commoner and shouldn't be treated like one. That she should be carelessly lumped together with lower ranking persons and put in a police bus is just appalling."

Hirsi complained, saying "I'm an organizer with CU Apartheid Divest@ColumbiaSJP, in my 3 years at @BarnardCollege I have never been reprimanded or received any disciplinary warnings." However, President Shafik asserted that "all the students were warned that if they didn't take down their encampment and choose a less disruptive way of expressing their opinions they would be arrested."

Biden Peace Plan for Gaza Thwarted

The Biden Administration's efforts to bring peace to Gaza by supporting the Palestinian Authority (PA) went awry went the money the US provided was spent to reward the families of martyrs in the fight against the Jewish occupation of Palestine. Spokesman for the PA Jenin Adnan Abu Aisheh emphasized that "compensating the heros of Islam is, and always has been, our highest priority."

US Secretary of State Tony Blinken said "it is profoundly disappointing to see the aid we have given to the PA diverted to furthering the conflict. By taking the PA's side in their struggle for dominance against Hamas we had hoped to build good will and open up a path to peace."

Director of the Palestinian Commission of Prisoners' Qadura Fares said "the notion that we would change our objectives for mere money demonstrates a misunderstanding of our obligation as Muslims to convert or subjugate unbelievers. The only path to true peace is for the whole world to worship Allah."

Blinken urged the PA "to be patient. There's another $9 billion that will be on its way to them now that the foreign aid bill is passed by Congress. That's in addition to the port we are going to build for them. The President strongly believes that by giving everything and asking for nothing in return we will win the hearts and minds of our Muslim friends around the globe."

Not a Fan of First Amendment

National Public Radio (NPR) Chief Executive Officer Katherine Maher says "the number one impediment to cleansing the air waves of bad information is the First Amendment. This poorly thought out grant of freedom of speech to every illiterate boob has made the job of those of us who are the experts in what ought or ought not be said much harder than it should be."

In an effort to demonstrate her intolerance for dissent from orthodoxy, Maher moved quickly to suspend Uri Berliner, a Peabody Award winning journalist with 25 years of experience at NPR, who publicly lamented that "NPR's lapse into rabid woke left-wing advocacy has lost America's trust. As a publicly funded institution, NPR has an obligation to fairly present opposing sides of public controversies. Consistently vilifying or censoring perspectives with which one disagrees undermines the debates which are necessary for democracy to work."

"Taking it upon himself to express an opinion that is at odds with NPR's obligation to defend democracy from its enemies is a prime example of the kind of disinformation I am trying to eradicate from the public sphere," Maher replied. "His contention that diversity of viewpoint within the staff of NPR totally misperceives our DEI objectives. It is diversity of race, gender, and sexual preference that we have achieved. Combined with unity of viewpoint we have built NPR into a juggernaut on behalf of making progressive policies the only acceptable and decent position for Americans to hold."

Following Maher's rebuke, Berliner resigned from NPR.

Dems Vote Against Hearing Impeachment Evidence

By a vote of 51 to 48, the US Senate voted not to bother with an impeachment trial for Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas. The articles of impeachment sent over from the US House of Representatives charged Mayorkas with "willful and systematic refusal to comply with the law and lying under oath in his testimony to Congress."

Majority Leader Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) explained "we don't need a trial to know that Secretary Mayorkas is not guilty. He has explained to me personally that he supports allowing more immigrants into America than current law permits because his parents were immigrants and the needs of US businesses for more cheap labor override strict adherence to statutory law. In this regard, he has the full backing of President Biden. So, we cannot punish him for simply following the orders of his superior."

Sen. John Kennedy (R-La) called the Democrats refusal to hear the evidence "a dereliction of duty. The Senate is presumed to be the jury charged with assessing the guilt or innocence of the accused. It is improper for a jury to declare a verdict without hearing the evidence."

Schumer rebutted Kennedy's assertion by pointing out "earlier this year, special counsel Robert Hur decided against a trial charging President Biden with the crime of mishandling classified documents because he is an elderly man with a poor memory. So, I think there is a precedent for our decision today. In the future, I wouldn't be surprised to see more juries opt to convict or acquit before hearing testimony and save taxpayers the expense of paying for a trial just the Senate did here today."

How Harshly Should Obstruction Be Punished?

This week the US Supreme Court heard oral arguments in the case of Fischer vs. United States. This concerns the severity of punishment given to many defendants convicted of trespassing in the Capitol on January 6, 2021. Solicitor General Elizabeth Prelogar, representing the Department of Justice was being questioned by several of the Associate Justices.

Justice Paul Gorsuch wondered whether "initiating a false fire alarm like Rep. Jamaal Bowman (D-NY) did in order to obstruct a House vote on a bill would be sufficient to trigger a 20-year prison sentence?"

Prelogar said "no, because the delay was only a few hours and Rep. Bowman was a member of Congress, not a MAGA intruder in the Capitol."

"The count of electoral votes was only delayed for a few hours" Gorsuch remembered. "And maybe a member of Congress should be held to a higher standard than an ordinary citizen."

Justice Clarence Thomas asked "have other protesters have been charged with this same Offense?"

Prelogar insisted that "there is a difference between protesters who are anti-government and those who are anti-social injustice. Look, in view of the fact that a single Capitol Police officer was legally empowered to inflict the death penalty on Ashley Babbit for climbing through a broken window, the 20 years we're seeking for some of those who survived their illegal incursion into the Capitol seems merciful in comparison."

In related news, it is already a matter of record that then-President Trump requested the deployment of National Guard troops ahead of time in order to discourage disruption of the electoral vote count and that this request was denied by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and DC Mayor Muriel Bowser. This week, National Guard whistleblower Captain Timothy Nick testified the House Subcommittee on Oversight that "we were ready to deploy at the first sign of trouble on January 6, but Gen. Milley ordered us to stand down until 5 p.m. By then the whole thing was over."

Illegals Voting for Biden Is Legit

Flyers urging illegal immigrants to vote for President Biden were found at Resource Center Matamoros in Mexico. Biden campaign co-chair Mitch Landrieu said "while most states do not allow non-citizens to vote, some do. Arizona, for example, does not allow non-citizens to vote for state or local offices, but does allow them to vote for federal offices--like the president and vice-president of the United States."

Nick Kupper, a candidate for the Arizona House of Representatives, explained that "under federal law, a voter cannot be required to provide proof of citizenship. All he or she has to do is assert that they are and they must be given a ballot with only federal offices on it. In 2020, Biden got 73% of these votes. Right now there are 32,000 'federal only' voters in Arizona. In a close election this could win the state for Biden."

Landrieu pooh-poohed what he called "Republican scare tactics. In the last presidential election 81 million votes were cast for President Biden. This totally dwarfs the few thousand votes he might get from federal only voters this time around. When Biden is reelected it will be because the overwhelming majority of American citizens will vote for him just like they did the last time he defeated Trump. People love a winner and will stick with the guy who delivered on his promises to unify the country behind the shared values the Democratic Party has always represented."

Judge Defends Election Interference

Judge Juan Merchan brushed aside complaints that his insistence that Trump must attend every minute of District Attorney Alvin Bragg's prosecution of him for having his lawyer pay Stormy Daniels to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) in 2016 constitutes election interference.

"If Trump were a normal person he'd have grounds to sue Daniels for breach of contract," Merchan said. "But he's not. Not only do we have an opportunity to send him to prison, but during the trial he will essentially be taken off the campaign trail for most weekdays over the next two months. If there are any flight delays or other events that lead to him missing a single minute of the trial we can jail him for contempt of court."

"I know that some people might think it is unfair to handicap this opponent of President Biden, but when we're fighting to save democracy the usual standards of fairness don't apply," the Judge argued. "If a German judge had had the opportunity to tie Hitler up with a trial in the midst of his campaign for fuhrer would people be concerned about fairness? I think not."

"Keeping him from campaigning is only part of what we can do," he added. "There'll be plenty of damaging testimony that the media will magnify on a daily basis. This will distract attention from the issues--high inflation, an open border, criminals being let loose without bail, the threat of war in Europe, the Middle East, China, or all three--that might seem to make him a better choice to voters than reelecting President Biden. And it all can be achieved without costing the Biden campaign one cent of its election war chest. It's great."

In related news, Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-Miss) has drafted legislation that would strip former President Trump of his Secret Service protection detail if he is sent to prison. "Under the law, all must be treated equal," he said. "The presence of body guards for Trump would insulate him from the full prison experience. This includes the ever present possibility of being shanked or raped that every other convict must face while doing time. If he survives he'll come out a better man than he was when he went in."

Meanwhile, a recent New York Times poll found that only 25% of respondents feel Biden's term in office has been good for the country. Trump fared better with 42% saying his term was good for the country. Biden campaign co-chair Mitch Landrieu predicted "these numbers will change when our 'free abortions for everyone' blitz hits the airwaves in the Fall. We have more money and more time to campaign than Trump does."