SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 5, 2024 Edition  

Bi-Partisan Vote Puts Biden on Alabama Ballot

This week, Gov. Kay Ivey (R-Ala) signed a bill that will ensure President Biden's name is on the state's November ballot. The Governor praised the bi-partisan cooperation, saying "in a democracy, it is essential that both major Parties cooperate to give voters a choice in who they want as their president. Just because Special Counsel Robert Hur declined to prosecute Biden because he is an elderly man with a poor memory doesn't mean voters in our state should be denied the opportunity to cast their ballots for him."

Biden campaign manager Julie Chávez Rodríguez called the bi-partisan action "a necessary step in the battle to prevent the enemies of democracy from seizing power. Unfortunately, we have not seen the same kind of bi-partisan realization that allowing the name of the instigator of the January 6 insurrection to remain on every state's ballot could end democracy in this country. The Supreme Court was able to swat down efforts to exclude Trump's name from the ballots of a couple of states, but if all 50 states had risen up in bi-partisan agreement, this threat to democracy would have been aborted on the launch pad."

Actor Robert De Niro also lamented the failure to remove Trump's name from the ballot, saying "the guy is a monster. Allowing people to vote for him is beyond wrong. I've played a lot of strong characters in the movies who had the responsibility to protect their family from enemies. They weren't deterred by rules that would've interfered with what needed to be done. They took direct action to neutralize their enemies. I keep thinking that if only someone had taken direct action to get rid of Hitler millions of lives would've been saved. What's wrong with us that we can't eliminate this MAGA evil before it strikes us?"

Ukraine to Become 51st US State?

Calling himself "a nervous wreck" after the prolonged struggle in the US Congress over whether to extend more aid to him, Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelensky is "working on a new, more secure status for my country. Whether aid will or won't be given to a foreign country is too 'iffy' to ensure we won't be engulfed by Russia. Even if we are allowed to join NATO there would always be a chance that a future US President or Congress would demand we defend ourselves. It is clear to me now that the only way we can be free from Russian domination is to become a US state."

US Secretary of State Tony Blinken acknowledged that "talks are already underway regarding the best path forward on the possibility of making Ukraine the 51st state. While there are some logistical issues that still have to be sorted out, President Biden has approved the idea. There are mutual security benefits to such a move. Admitting Ukraine to the union would clearly communicate a 'hands off' warning to Moscow. We could place US troops at the front as part of the federal government's constitutional obligation to guarantee every state a democratic form of government."

"There would also be significant shared cultural values," the Secretary added. "Ukraine shares the same devotion to woke values as we do here in the US. Russia does not. Rather than openly celebrating the LGBTQ as we do, Russia insists that alternative sexuality be restricted to adults and done privately. They don't allow people to choose the pronouns others must use when addressing them. Russia also sentences pedophiles to death. Finally, adding another 15 to 20 million new Democrat voters to our population would help protect our democracy from its right-wing enemies. The biggest question is whether we can get this done before November."

Refugees Receive Voter Registration Forms

In South Carolina, state representative and congressional candidate Adam Morgan wondered "why is the state Medicaid Office giving voter registration forms to non-citizens seeking health care?"

In response, Gov. Henry McMaster (R) said "the integrity of our elections is and must remain a top priority. I have asked the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division (SLED) to investigate."

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre pointed out "in March 2021 President Biden issued an executive order called Promoting Access to Voting that authorized the expenditure of public funds to increase the number of people who vote in our elections. This non-partisan initiative has the support of groups like the AFL-CIO, AFSCME, ACLU, National Education Association, Southern Poverty Law Center, and other civic groups."

"Another point I'd like to bring up is that not everyone agrees that non-citizens shouldn't be allowed to vote," she added. "Voting is a universal human right. Excluding a person because he or she isn't a citizen, per se, is discriminatory. Since non-citizens are expected to obey our laws and pay our taxes why shouldn't they vote?"

Morgan reminded her that "the law currently requires that foreigners must pass a citizenship test in order to earn the right to vote. Asking immigrants to demonstrate some understanding of how a representative democracy works and how the Constitution protects our freedoms is not an unreasonable prerequisite for voting."

"Well, I doubt that a majority of those born in this country could pass the test foreigners must pass to become citizens," Jean-Pierre asserted. "Obviously, ignorance of how a free government is supposed to work doesn't prevent me from voting. Why should it prevent the foreign-born from voting?"

In related news, 200 migrants erected a tent encampment in Powell Barnett Park in Seattle and issued a list of demands. Republic of Congo Central African native Don Tstay told the media "we plan to stay until our demands are met. We have a right to decent housing, food, and the many other things needed for a comfortable life in America." These migrants were previously housed in motel rooms, but were kicked out when the City government stopped paying for their room-and-board.

Dems Debate Anti-Israel Protests

This week police were called in to oust protesters who seized control of Hamilton Hall on the Columbia University campus in New York City, smashing glass doors and windows in the process.

Sen. John Fetterman (D-Penn) hailed the decision to "remove these anti-Semitic thugs from the property. This is no 'peace protest.' It is a demonstration in support of the Hamas terrorists who slaughtered over a 1,200 Israeli civilians last October 7 and demands the elimination of the Jewish presence in the region."

Mayor Eric Adams (D) objected to "the trashing of the premises, tearing down the American flag, and hoisting the Palestinian flag in its stead. My uncle died defending this country. He wasn't eaten by cannibals, but he and others who gave their lives defending America deserves respect."

Rep. Jamaal Bowman (D-NY) insisted that "the police had no right to suppress the free speech rights of these students. They only broke into the building because the university refused to give them the keys. I was pleased to see that the NYPD's fascist tactics inspired dozens more protests at universities across the country."

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) warned that "if any kid was hurt by the police the responsibility will fall on the mayor and Columbia University President Minouche Shafik. All these kids are asking for is the end of the Jewish occupation of Palestine that began in 1948. Let the Jews go back to Madagascar and stop their holocaust against the Palestinian people." The notion that these protesters are just "kids" was undermined by the fact that nearly half of those arrested are not students.

In a bid to offer victims of Jewish oppression an opportunity to learn how to "exterminate this scourge on humanity," Mohammad Moazzeni, head of Shiraz University in Iran, is offering "scholarships so that students and even professors who have been expelled or threatened with expulsion can continue their studies at Shiraz University where they will hear the truth about the Jews and understand why Allah commands us to kill them."

Biden's Economic Advisor Doesn't Understand Economics

The unbroken string of economic disasters that is Bidenomics now has a solid explanation. Jared Bernstein, the Chairman of the President's Council of Economic Advisers doesn't understand economics. While being interviewed for the newly released documentary Finding the Money, he was unable to explain how the Federal Reserve creates money--something I taught to freshmen in macroeconomics classes for 23 years.

"The government definitely prints money, and it definitely lends that money by selling bonds," Bernstein guessed. "Is that what they do? They sell bonds, yeah, they sell bonds. Right? Since they sell bonds, and people buy the bonds and lend them the money. I guess I'm just, I can't really, I don't get it. I don't know what they're talking about. It's like the government clearly prints money; it does it all the time. And it clearly borrows. Otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Perhaps his confusion stems from the fact that he holds no degrees in economics. He has a bachelor's degree in fine arts from the Manhattan School of Music, a master's degree in social work from the Hunter School of Social Work, and a master's degree in philosophy and a Ph.D. in social welfare from Columbia University.

The fundamental flaw in Bidenomics is the notion that decrees can establish viable investments in new technologies. The problem is that physical realities cannot be so easily dispensed with. Consider the decree that wind-generated power should replace fuel-generated power. Wind is variable. Demand for power a lot less variable. Mandates to replace fuel-generated power with wind-generated power will result in blackouts when the wind isn't blowing hard enough. This is the reason why wind-powered ocean travel was replaced by fuel-powered travel.

Bernstein argued that "if we outlaw fuel-generated power wind-generated power will have to replace the outlawed methods. Consumers will have to adjust to the shifting availability of the power to drive their cars, heat and cool their homes, and run their appliances. Our ancestors had to put up with a lot more privations than the current generations have had to. We can adapt. We can travel less, sweat more, go to sleep when its dark, wake up when its light. In short, we could all lead more natural lives as the price we must pay for saving the planet from climate change. I don't need an economics degree to give President Biden this kind of advice."

Problems with the Classified Documents Case?

This week, the case against former President Trump for mishandling classified documents took some surprising turns.

Investigative journalist Julie Kelly discovered that the boxes of documents seized from Trump's Mara-La-Go home were boxes that the General Services Administration told Trump he needed to take off their hands. He is now being tried for having these documents in his possession against the wishes of the National Archives.

Despite claiming he had no role in the decision to prosecute Trump for unauthorized possession of classified documents--something he has done, but was excused because of his dementia--newly unredacted documents reveal that President Biden was in communication with both Gary Stern, the General Counsel of the National Archives, and Special Counsel Jack Smith regarding the case against Trump.

On Friday, Special Counsel Jack Smith's team admitted that evidence in the case was altered or manipulated since it was seized by the FBI. They also admitted they had misled the court about the problem by previously declaring that the evidence had remained in the exact state it was when it was seized.

Trump's lawyers filed a motion for dismissal of all charges on the grounds of "selective prosecution" pointing out that others including former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and President Biden also had classified documents in their possession but were not similarly prosecuted. "In one case it was FBI Director James Comey declaring that 'no reasonable prosecutor would pursue a case against Hillary Clinton,'" Trump pointed out. "In another it was Special Counsel Robert Hur declaring that Joe Biden's poor memory gets him off the hook. This is not equal justice. It's election interference being carried out at taxpayer expense by the Democrats."