SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: June 2, 2024 Edition  

"No One Is Above the Law"

This week, former President Trump was found guilty on 34 counts of trying to conceal "hush money" payments to porn actress Stormy Daniels after the 2016 election. Normally, the statute of limitations would have prevented the case from being brought, but New York state law was modified to allow this prosecution of Trump. Considering that Daniels accepted payment for agreeing to a perfectly legal Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) yet still went on to make defamatory charges against Trump it seems clear that nothing was "hushed up." Eight years ago the Federal Elections Commission decided that since the payments were made after the 2016 election, so there was no way they could've influenced the outcome and no violation of election laws.

Both New York Attorney General Letitia James and Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg promised voters they would get Trump. James nailed Trump with a half-billion dollar fine on a real estate loan that was paid back in full with interest. Bragg convicted Trump of an ex-post-facto crime in a venue where 90% of the jury pool hates Trump. Irked at this special treatment, Trump called the cases against him "rigged" and "unfair."

Apparently, a lot of people agree with Trump. In the first 24 hours since the verdict was announced $50 million in donations to his campaign were made. Biden campaign spokesman Michael Tyler praised "the courageous jurors who have brought this monster to heel. It once again proves that no one is above the law."

Trump asserted that "if no one is above the law, why hasn't Biden been made to answer for the bribes he's received? Why was he so easily let off the hook for mishandling classified documents?"

Biden clarified the issue, saying "as president, I am the law. Special Prosecutor Robert Hur knows this. That's why he prudently recognized that charging me with mishandling classified documents would hurt him more that it would hurt me. Attorney General Garland takes his orders from me. He doesn't dare charge me with bribery or any other crime. The Republicans in Congress have no leverage on impeachment when Democrats in the Senate will never convict me. The Supreme Court said I had no authority to cancel student debt, but I did it anyway. I ordered millions of Americans to take an experimental vaccine--even children and babies. I am the Commander-in-Chief of the world's most powerful military. No one in their right mind will take the risk of getting crosswise with me. In light of the awesome power I command, Trump complaining that he's being treated unfairly is a risk only the insane would take. I mean, I could order him to be killed tomorrow and no one would dare try to stop me."

In related news, Hillary Clinton hailed "this latest nail in Trump's coffin. Now that Bragg has proved Trump cheated me out of my turn to be president in 2016 how many billions of dollars does he owe me? Kooky E. Jean Carroll got $88 million for being defamed by Trump. The state of New York got almost half a billion from Trump as a fine for his real estate deals. Since I lost out on far more than these others I should get whatever remains of his wealth. He could still run for president from a prison cell, but he can't win if I've got all his money."

Dem Touts Benefit of Free Palestine

Rep. Jamaal Bowman (D-NY) called the creation of a Free Palestinian state "the only feasible option for peace in the Middle East. Hamas is built on an idea. You can't kill an idea with bullets and bombs. We tried this in Vietnam, but the idea of communism couldn't be killed by US troops. Likewise, the idea of a free Palestine from the river to the sea can't be killed. Yielding to this idea is the only sensible."

"Of course, this would mean that the occupying Jews must be eliminated," Bowman argued. "There are fewer than 16 million Jews in the world. There are more than 1.9 billion Muslims. Jews are out-numbered by more than 100 to one. Their battle to occupy Palestine indefinitely cannot succeed. Fortunately, Islam provides a non-violent solution. If the Jews would just convert to Islam they wouldn't even have to leave the area."

"Islam isn't inherently violent," the Congressman contended. "They just want the whole of humanity to be united in one faith. For those of us who don't believe in God wouldn't it be better to endure the rituals of Islam than to fight it? When the whole world is for Allah peace will be universal. There would be no need for terrorist groups like Hamas to exist because there would be no one left to fight. All the money and effort that now goes into fighting could be redirected to alms, arts, and science."

Bidenomics Better than Free Market

First Lady Jill Biden went on ABC's The View to urge voters "to choose good over evil when you cast your ballots. On the one hand we have Republicans backing the evil forces of the marketplace as the best model for growth and prosperity. Take the issue of inflation. It's been my observation that all the prices put on goods and services are placed there by human beings. If we want lower prices we must get these human beings to put lower-price tags on the merchandise. Joe is doing that. He told the CEOs of Walmart and Target that if they don't want to end up in court like Trump, they should lower their prices. And they did. This is instant action rather than some mysterious workings of supply and demand."

"So you're saying that the free market is just an excuse used to try to dampen down consumer complaints against politicians who aren't willing to order companies to lower prices?" Joy Behar asked.

"Yes," Biden replied. "Karl Marx had all this figured out 150 years ago, but right-wing propagandists maligned his revolutionary ideas of how to eliminate want. Take food as an example. Scientists can specify with great accuracy the quantities and types of foods that are best for human health. Marx felt that rather than leave decisions about what to eat up to the whims of the masses, the government should directly provide the precise diets for optimal results. We're not there yet, but Joe is slowly, but surely inching us closer."

"The free market fanatics overlook some of the key advantages of a more direct government role," the First Lady added. "China, for example, uses a 'social credit system' to encourage obedience to the lifestyle choices the regime is trying to instill in the population. Bad choices can be deterred by immediate punishments. The free market can't do this."

"Sounds great," Behar said. "Thanks for chatting with us today on these intriguing concepts."

In related news, Biden Campaign Co-Chair Rep. Lisa Blunt Rochester (D-Del) lamented that "too many voters aren't aware of what President Biden has accomplished. They're too bummed out over the bad economy. I saw a poll just the other day where 80% of folks now consider fast food to be a luxury they can't afford. If the President didn't have such bad luck he'd be a lot farther ahead of Trump in the polls than he is right now. And that's before accounting for the swollen ranks of justice-impacted individuals who are going door-to-door to register fellow ex-cons in the states where laws have been changed to re-enfranchise them."

Boston Mayor Calls for the Decriminalization of Crime

Mayor Michelle Wu (D) says, "separating out people who commit 'quality of life' thefts and putting them in prison makes the kind of unity that progressives seek for society impossible." Among the activities that the Mayor considers unworthy of punishment are trespassing, shoplifting, malicious destruction of property, physical threats, and breaking and entering.

"Just because someone makes life difficult for you by breaking into your home and threatening to stab you is not sufficient cause for law-enforcement to hassle, pursue, and arrest these people," she said. "Who among us has not done something similar at some point in our lives? The type of eye-for-an-eye justice that has polluted civilization for millennia unnecessarily creates barriers between people with different values when what we should be doing is turning the other cheek."

Sadly, Wu's isn't a lone voice for letting criminals ply their profession without undue interference from police. The Democrat majority in the Illinois legislature is pushing a bill that will eliminate the words criminals and offenders from the statute books. These terms will be replaced with "justice-impacted individuals." Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson (D) said "we can't teach people to get along if we insist that those who don't respect the lives and property of others mustn't steal from or assault people. We have no right to impose our values on others. Fortunately, many of our justice-impacted individuals are willing to sell protection against their predations for regular weekly payments. These modest payments can prevent costly outlays like if your home or place of business is set on fire, or expensive medical treatments you may incur by being late with your weekly payments. As I see it, a symbiotic relationship brings benefits that a hostile relationship can't match."

More Problems with EVs

It is one thing to command that a nation or the world should shift to electric vehicles. A recent study from the University of Michigan found that to produce enough copper to electrify the global vehicle fleet, six new large copper mines would have to be dug each year for the next several decades. Professor Adam Simon, one of the authors of the study suggested that "building more hybrids is a better idea. They're less polluting and less costly than EVs."

In an interview with host Margaret Brenna on CBS's Face the Nation, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg asserted that "the huge quantities of copper and rare minerals that EV skeptics use to prove that our plan is infeasible assumes that the current trends of unnecessary travel by unimportant people would need to be sustained. They don't. There is no good reason why every family should have a car. What is so urgent about their activities that they can't use public transit? The convenience and mobility that Americans have enjoyed from automobile ownership is an expenditure that we can't justify."

"Right now gasoline stations are everywhere," Brenna pointed out. "EV charging stations are few and far between. What has the government done with the $7.5 billion of taxpayers' money allocated for setting up more EV charging stations? Why are charging stations so scarce?"

"Shifting an entire way of doing something as big and important as 'greening' our travel is inherently costly and time consuming," the Secretary said. "Unlike the private sector, government can't just implement a good idea without scads of meetings--meetings among the people responsible for implementing a plan, meetings with the general public and local government representatives. Then there are the regulations that must be crafted. Given how big and slowly the wheels of government move, I think it's remarkable that we've built any EV charging stations at this early stage. Perhaps by the end of President Biden's second term we might get the number of charging stations into the hundreds. Of course, this would require that Congress appropriate hundreds of billions more in funding. Those of us who understand how government works see the handful of charging stations thus far a good outcome for the measly $7.5 billion we've spent to-date."

Aside from the inefficiency of the government's crusade to impose EVs as the only mode of travel, there is the issue of safety. The London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine did a study that found pedestrians are more than twice as likely to be hit by an EV than by a gasoline fueled vehicle. The engine roar of gasoline-fueled vehicles is an extra warning of impending danger.

Buttigieg offered that "the reduction in noise pollution with EVs may be worth the higher number of injuries and fatalities rates they cause. In any case, the planned reduction in individually driven vehicles with a fully implemented EV transition should reduce the carnage in the long run."

In related news, the California Senate just passed a bill that will require all new cars sold in the state to have remote-controlled speed governors. Sen. Scott Wiener (D-SF) said "now that we have the technology to allow law-enforcement to directly limit the speed of every vehicle on the road we ought to use it. The days of allowing driver choice on how fast to drive can no longer be justified. In addition to the obvious safety gains there will also be the opportunity to immobilize the enemies of our democracy at the mere flick of a switch."