The only thing people are asking me more right now than, "Who are you voting for?" is "Are you watching the Olympics?" The answer to both questions is: I couldn't care less about it. Now, I know that slamming the Olympics is tantamount to blaspheming the false god called World Feel Good, but it needs to be taken down a peg or two and put back where it belongs. Which is, right there on the "one off" channels with championship bowling, disco roller-skate dance-offs, and the World Series of Darts. Except darts holds more interest for me than the Olympics.

Check out the big squishy world liberals regaling us with tales of world solidarity and sportsmanship right there in one of the world's most impoverished cities. I read one Olympic athlete has already been rolled for his wallet there. These world liberals are the same folks laying guilt trips on us because not enough is done to help the world's poor. Ok, well, did any of you geniuses figure out that if, instead of having a gigantic festival of government-sponsored athletic ego-stroking, you lifted the poor of Brazil up with that cash, then you'd have at least solved poverty there? No, of course not. Because governments would never allow that, for one thing. Why?

Look, ever since the Third Reich discovered what a great propaganda machine the Olympics could be, governments have been using them for self-aggrandizement thereafter. Excuse me, but does anyone remember the good old days when the United States got into an Athlete Race with the former Soviet Union? An Arms Race, Space Race, and a Doomsday Race weren't enough for the government that had everything. No, we needed a Sports Race, too. Remember how if the United States threw enough money at an Olympic Team and they managed to defeat a Soviet team, America acted like we'd just won a war with them and only suffered a hangnail in doing so?

How much money has been wasted on this obscene spectacle of Ancient Greek pagan festival revivalism? Ok, let's call it what it is. People went and revived an Ancient Greek sporting event where they all gathered to watch young men and boys compete and the only women allowed to watch it with them were high-paid prostitutes. Right, and this died out, but like an embarrassing fad from the 1970s that has been revived, the Olympics returned with a vengeance. How dare the world forget that ongoing civil wars in Ancient Greece only ceased long for the Olympics and then resumed afterwards? And people today think that the Olympics demonstrate world peace? Excuse me, then why are nations competing in it, instead of cooperating with it? These are just wars distilled into high jumps and pole vaulting. Come on, people, think about it. Where do you think throwing javelins originated?

If this really was about world peace, they'd cobble together teams from nations that all hate each other and force them to cooperate together as a team and compete with other teams made up the same way. Except with that, governments would never have the chance to gloat and massage their over-inflated egos. The United States would never have had the chance to "show" the Soviets how much better our athletes were, even though the rest of the American people were never mollycoddled and fussed over like that. And, thankfully so, because the only thing worse than a government fussing over your health is a government trying to groom you into some "ideal person".

People have told me, "Jack, they have archery in the Olympics! Aren't you watching that?" I've seen those bows. Those aren't bows. Those are high-tech projectile weapons, launching high-tech projectiles. If the Pentagon had to design a bow and arrows for combat and couldn't go with compound bows, Olympic-style bows and arrows are what they'd come up with. I say give them an Osage orange longbow and sourwood arrows fletched with turkey feathers and we'll see who's a real bowman in the bunch. That might be worth seeing if only for the frustration factor they'd all have with their high-tech toys taken away and replaced with pre-Columbus American technology.

The most amazing thing is people are actually concerned over who wins these Olympic games. "Our team won! Yay, our country is the best!" Says some country where most people are living in squalor, but they've managed to build a winning Olympics team. Hey people, what difference does it make if "your" country won if you're living in a shack cobbled together from cardboard and barely able to afford rice? I couldn't care less who wins. It isn't doing anything for me or anyone I know. Oh, I know it does a lot for the television networks who take a break from their usual run of government propaganda and move the government propaganda in a new direction. It also does a lot of breakfast cereal companies who will compete in the "Cereal Olympics" to get the winning athletes on their boxes of highly-sugared fractions of corn, wheat, and rice. Which are allegedly part of a balanced breakfast. Yes, well, balance this breakfast where the morning sun doesn't shine.