Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission
undercover agents entered 36 nightclubs where they shared tables with
suspected drunks and covertly monitored bartenders for over-serving
patrons. After agents determined that some individuals posed a risk to
themselves or the public, 30 people were arrested for public
intoxication. Sgt. Chris Hamilton of the TABC justified the preemptive
strikes by noting that some inebriated bar patrons “end up killing
themselves or someone else” in drunk driving accidents. Some hotel bar
patrons were staying at the hotel, but having a room is no defense for
public intoxication. As criminal defense attorney Barry Sorrels
explained to Channel 5 News, the key to the law lies in the potential
danger. TABC officials said the sweep concerned saving lives, not
individual rights.
Future news stories to be watching for:
A crack team of undercover Center for Disease Control operatives
apprehended 57 allegedly overweight men, women and children consuming
suspected high-calorie junk food in the food court of a Washington DC
area shopping mall. “It’s necessary to stop suspected obese people from
gaining additional weight before they become a risk to themselves or
the public,” explained a department spokescrat while justifying the
preemptive operation. “Just because people don’t intend to get Heart
disease, high blood pressure or strokes is no excuse for public
obesity.” Also, under America’s de facto system of socialized medicine,
all taxpayers suffer from other people’s obesity. Another potential
danger identified by anti-corpulence activists is that public obesity
“sets a bad example for The Children, which justifies all regulation.” A
teenage fast food worker was also arrested for over-serving corny dogs
to observedly portly patrons. “We’re here to protect lives, not
rights,” the spokescrat concluded with smug self-importance.
In Seattle, the city’s newly formed
Decaffeination Task Force made its first arrest as seven covert
operatives tackled a young woman dressed in a business suit, wrestled
her to the ground and handcuffed her in a busy downtown Springbok’s
Upscale Coffee Salon. “We got her just in time!” one operative crowed
proudly. “She was clearly over-caffeinated. She could have bitten
someone’s head off if she had made it to the street.” The squad’s
leader explained that his officers, dressed as young, hip urbanites, had
been staking out the establishment when one officer observed the
unidentified suspect purchasing a triple triple chocolate latte with
extra foam. “This is a perfect example where public safety trumps
individual rights,” the department’s commander asserted. “We have to be
proactive. Otherwise, good young socially conscious whale-savers could
turn into caffeine freaks and run amok in their offices, hurting the
feelings of their coworkers and embarrassing all young liberals in
general.”
