We begin with a plunge off the mountainside, a stunner so shocking we’ll question our sanity: John "The Pervert" Pistole, Chief Deviant at the TSA, has finally done something – gulp – right.

Go ahead, try to recover: I’ll wait. Deep breath, relax, and repeat. All set?

OK, let’s try it again. The Pervert, who legalized routine sexual assault on the public at large – an atrocity no regime anywhere, however brutal or totalitarian, has ever previously attempted or even contemplated –, has behaved laudably.