Now, of course, those two things are linked because scared people tend to shop more, watch more scary movies to get more scared, and demand the government DO SOMETHING. Of course, this is a scam; we all know this. But the American people tend to want the government to do things and, paradoxically, then whine later about all these taxes and laws.

Excuse me, but new taxes and laws don't suddenly manifest from the forehead of Mount Rushmore in some quasi-mythic birth of government mandates. No, what happens is people get scared, they feel action is necessary, and so they rush to Federal Foolishness, LLC for the so-called solutions. Since when does the progenitor of the entire set of problems than have the solutions? It's almost like asking a kid that flunked grade school math to do calculus. Of course, in today's America, the kid does not "flunk" math, he gets a gold star because we don't want to injure his self-esteem.

I saw another gem of editorial skillfulness in yesterday's daily birdcage liner and boot-cleaner. That would be the Tucson newspaper, a pulp diaper only a slight step above the clumsy, drunken oaf of an independent newspaper so pathetic they have to give it away free. Even then it remains unwanted. However, it actually does serve a purpose: Packing material for all of the Tucson. Oh, and ads for the various head shops and bong purveyors in town, since it goes without saying the only way to read the woefully scribbled rag is after a bong hit that would fell Paul Bunyan. Anyway, in this paper, there was an editorial from another, you called it, "concerned" woman of no mean dramatic flair. Now that I gave away who wrote it, I am certain you can guess what it was about. Correct! Gun control!

It took several organic, artisanal ham-fisted paragraphs of guffaw-inducing, fake maudlin whining to finally arrive at the point. It was almost like taking Pacific Coast Highway to get from Santa Barbara to Big Sur—by skateboard. The point was: We need background checks on firearms sales. Really?! Seriously?! Lady, did you bother to do ANY research on that at all?! Because if you had, then you'd know there already are background checks on firearms sales. It's the government you're begging to "do something" that hands out guns to people without background checks. How do you think the Syrian Civil War got off the ground?

What really added to the hilarity of this poorly informed whiner was how her dad taught them "gun safety" but never kept a gun in the house. Oh, right, it goes without saying. All these people know people that owned guns, or owned guns themselves. They almost sound like people trying to hide their own bigotry: "Why I've even had gun owners in my house! I've sat down next to a gun owner once!" Hey, lady, the key point in writing fiction is not to smear it on too thick as far as character believability unless you're doing a comic book. Oh, I'm sorry, you were writing for our local paper. It is a comic book.