"And that would be terrible," the organization said in a statement. "We've got a cool name for it and everything. Delaying the pandemic now would cost hundreds, maybe thousands of good-paying Chinese jobs."

According to WHO officials, the next pandemic is expected to be a "real doozy" and lead to creative new policies like standing exactly 28.5 feet away from other people, wearing masks over your ears, and burning down churches. But now, at the rate American policies are changing, the pandemic may never even happen.

"No one wants to see their life's work go down the drain," said WHO Director-General Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus. "It's almost like Trump doesn't even care who he hurts as long as he gets to save a buck."

President Trump's approval rating has risen by another 10 points in light of news of the pandemic's likely delay and possible cancelation, surprising members of the mainstream media.

"The COVID pandemic was the best time of my life," said CNN anchor Kaitlan Collins. "We got to scold people and get paid for it! Trump ruins everything!"

At publishing time, President Trump had responded to the WHO's warning by making all funding cuts permanent.