President Donald Trump signed bipartisan legislation on May 1, guaranteeing funding for the TSA until the end of fiscal year 2026. This has done little to alleviate the frustrations of air travel, however, as traveling by plane was always terrible.

"When I heard the news about the shutdown, I avoided air travel like the plague. There was no way I was going through all that," reflected frequent air traveler Mitch Carl. "But now that it's over and back to normal... it's not really any better. It's still really, really awful."

Experts clarified that a fully funded TSA means lines that are only slightly as long and people who are only being slightly groped as the best TSA agents return to work, expediting passengers through the normal, terrible airline system.

"I just want to go to Bakersfield," cried Sonia Jones, mother of three, as her flight was delayed for the third time. "I hate it here!"

At publishing time, President Trump had advised frustrated fliers to simply purchase private jets like himself.