John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, April 20, 2014 Edition

Dems Advised to Avoid Talking about the Economy

Top Democratic strategist, James Carville, advised Democrats seeking reelection to avoid discussing the economy.

The whole notion of an economic recovery is pure poison to any Democrat hoping to retain his or her seat,” Carville lamented. “The Administration has spurred too many false hopes with repeated promises of 'green shoots.' Our Party's credibility on this issue is totally shot.”

Instead, Carville recommends “an approach that transcends the stale notion that getting people back to work ought to be a goal of the nation's economic policy. Democrats need to embrace the decline in workforce participation and increase in the number on food stamps as ways for people to enjoy more leisure time.”

The whole notion that it is man's fate to toil to feed his family is what Democrats must attack,” Carville argued. “With generous income support from government a growing share of the population can escape from this wage slavery. If Democrats can sell enough voters on this new conceptualization of the American Dream we have a chance to regain a majority in the House as well as hold onto the Senate.”

Bloomberg Rebuts Idea that Guns Can Be Used in Self-Defense

In his continuing battle against the right of individuals to bear arms, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg pooh-poohed the idea that guns might be a valid or necessary tool of self-defense.

The argument that an abused spouse might need a gun to defend herself is bogus,” Bloomberg insisted. “Very few spouses are actually totally beaten to death by abusive husbands. So, access to deadly force is seldom an appropriate response. A wife who escalates the situation by drawing a weapon will likely later regret her action. The better course is for her to lessen the beating by placating her husband and trying for a peaceful resolution.”

Once a gun is deployed the chances are good that somebody ends up dead,” Bloomberg observed. “Avoiding this dire outcome for the mere cost of a few bumps and bruises seems the wiser course. If, ultimately, someone needs to be shot it is best that the police or other government authorities make that determination.”

Domestic Terrorists” Threaten Real Estate Deal

This past week Bureau of Land Management Troops were called upon to seize cattle owned by Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy. The livestock confiscation was thwarted when hundreds of supporters rallied to Bundy's side.

While it seems likely that the BLM had sufficient firepower to prevail, the confrontation dissipated when it was realized that there would be substantial casualties on both sides. That the BLM chose to stand down enraged Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) who characterized it as “an abject surrender to domestic terrorists.”

The so-called 'cooler heads' suggesting that there are more pacific ways of resolving the issues surrounding this dispute are overlooking the damage done to key investors from using a time-consuming court adjudication,” Reid complained. “My son has worked long and hard to broker a deal with a Chinese firm to use the land in question for a solar power harvesting operation. If the efforts of a Senator's son can be swept aside by an ugly mob of cowboys it would completely cancel out the whole purpose of government as I see it.”

Reid acknowledged some compassion for BLM troops not wanting to risk their lives and urged President Obama “to deploy a drone strike against the ringleader. Bundy and his chief lieutenants could be surgically removed from a distance with no loss of life to government troops. He already has authority to excise terrorists on American soil. It's time that he used that authority to instill respect for the law among the disloyal riffraff.”

President Vows “No Fixes” to Obamacare until GOP Changes Attitude

Despite heart-breaking stories of critically ill patients being denied treatments under Obamacare, President Obama steadfastly refuses to offer any relief “until the GOP changes its attitude.”

Those who are suffering need to know that I stand ready to fix all their problems as soon as the Republicans cease their criticism of the Affordable Care Act and get behind the effort to implement it nationwide,” the President said. “The Republicans are harping on the theme that these people are suffering because provisions in the ACA caused their previous insurance to be canceled. Well, I can abolish those provisions, but the price is GOP acquiescence in the permanence of this law.”

Republican contentions that the 7 million we signed up for policies under the ACA is only a tiny fraction of the nation's 300 million population is irrelevant,” the President continued. “The new signees may represent less than 3% of the population, but I, as their President, represent 100% of the population. And I say that the law is here to stay. As soon as the GOP comes to terms with this reality everyone can partake of its benefits.”

Senator John Barrasso (R-Wyo.), a physician, labeled the President's attitude “cruel and sadistic. It is his law that has bumped people off of insurance that would've covered their ailments. It is his law that is boosting the cost of medical care for everyone. For him to say that he will alleviate the consequences on the condition that all resistance to his tyranny cease is extortion, plain and simple.”

Candidate's Complaint Called “Misguided”

Arkansas Democratic gubernatorial candidate Dr. Lynette Bryant's complaint against the Arkansas Democratic Party was rebuffed as “misguided” by Democratic National Committee Chairperson Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla).

Dr. Bryant took exception to her primary opponent, Mike Ross, being described by Democratic Party officials as “the next governor of Arkansas.” She also protested being barred from speaking at Saline County's Jefferson Jackson Dinner.

I can understand how Dr. Bryant—an African-American woman—might feel frustrated and belittled by the way she's been treated,” Wasserman Schultz offered. “However, we need to focus on the big picture. The message of the Democratic Party is that it is Republicans who are waging war on women. It is Republicans who are racist. By going public with her complaint she is diluting our message and potentially confusing voters.”

Wasserman Schultz suggested that “Bryant might be able to get back within the Party's good graces if she mutes these types of criticisms when speaking in public. We're not saying that there is no tole for her to play, but if she wants to appear on the public stage she's got to memorize her lines, not complain about the part she's assigned.”

In related news, Brandeis University withdrew its invitation to Somalia-born Ayann Hirsi Ali to speak at this year's commencement. In a prepared statement University officials explained that “Ms. Ali's life story portrays a disparaging image of Islamic barbarity—her narrow escape from genital mutilation and persistent death threats from Muslim extremists—that demeans a protected minority. As such it was our feeling that a person more representative of American values give this important address.” The person selected to fill in: Bill Ayers.

Congressman Denies Conspiracy

Revelations that Representative Elijah Cummings (D-Maryland) corresponded with the IRS on the topic of harassing conservative groups conjured up suspicions of illegal attempts at intimidation.

Cummings, the ranking Democrat on the House Oversight Committee, vigorously denied that there was a conspiracy between him and IRS officials. “Conspiracy implies that what I did was unlawful,” Cummings contended. “I have been assured by Attorney General Holder that neither he nor the President accepts that interpretation. “All I did was request that the IRS look into ways to disqualify some of these anti-government groups from criticizing the President's policies.”

Of particular concern to Cummings was the group True the Vote—a citizens' organization aimed at combating election fraud. “Their 'nit-picking' insistence on voter ID is a tactic to intimidate those who may have forgotten to register or be technically ineligible because they've done time in jail,” Cummings complained. “This disproportionately disenfranchises minorities. This kind of racism must be stopped. If there's anything that the IRS can do to prevent this and similar groups from spreading their vicious smears they ought to do it.”

The Congressman disavowed any role in IRS official Lois Lerner's efforts to get the Department of Justice to prosecute conservative groups engaging in “excessive discussion of policy issues.” “The idea that as long as you don't say vote for so-and-so you are free to discuss issues strikes me as inordinately narrow,” Lerner wrote to Attorney General Eric Holder. “I mean, a group that publishes documents critical of the Administration's policies on health, immigration, the budget, etc. is clearly conveying an anti-government point of view. How can we just let this go? There's got to be some recourse, some severe penalty we can impose that will deter this type of undesirable communication.”

In related news, the FBI has stepped up its efforts to track down critics of “big government.” The campaign is sending agents into gun shops to query owners about customers overheard using the phrase. Director James Comey deflected concerns that Islamic terrorists might be a more important focus for the Agency's limited resources. “Muslim terrorists may kill hundreds or even thousands, but they won't bring down the government. The 'big government' opponents aim to do that very thing. Clearly they are the bigger threat.”


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