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The Internet is Getting Dangerously Close to Collapsing

• Tarrin Lupo

How the Internet works is a complete mystery to most people, and might as well be considered magic.

Even prominent leaders like Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens told the world, “The internet is not a big truck. It's a series of tubes.”

Clearly if the brightest minds can’t grasp it, what hope do we have of understanding it?

I have struggled to understand its vast inner workings myself, and so far all I know is it is made up of countless cables, boxes, and satellites.

Although I don’t get how it runs, I do know what powers it, and this source is getting dangerously low.

Source: Michael W. Dean (used with permission)
Michael W. Dean Concerned

Renowned radio host Michael W. Dean was blunt when I interviewed him:

"I’m getting really concerned about this latest trend. People have not been posting pictures of their cats like they used to. If this keeps up, the Internet will power down by the end of next month.

There was a time I would check my email box and be overwhelmed with cats chasing lasers, playing games on iPads, or knocking down some small child. But these days, I am lucky to see a cat swatting a dog’s tail once a week.The feline-related traffic has really slowed down."

Dean continued, “I have to resort to filming my own cat Peanut and emailing to myself just so I can feel normal again. I know a great deal about 12-step programs, and I know how to recognize when I have an addiction.

The other night I was so desperate I photoshopped some old cat pictures with new ones to create whole new pictures. I had to get my fix and I did. I realize the fake pictures might hurt my cat’s feelings but I didn’t care. The lack of new cat material on the internet is really starting to affect my life.”

Source: Danica W. (used with permission)
Lead Scientists Are Afraid

Lead scientists of “Cat Memes for Our Future” have been tracking and charting cat-related posts on Facebook and other social media platforms since the 1990s. The scientists meet anually to announce their findings and take part in their national conference.

We caught up with one scientist simply known as Danica W.:

“I know I am supposed to stay unobjective as a scientist, but as a heavy Internet user, I’m scared. The statistics don’t lie, and this country is heading for a major breakdown if people don’t start posting more pictures of their cats soon.

We scientists know that the Internet is really powered by cat memes, and the purpose of this organization is to spread that message as far as we possibly can. I mean, really folks, how long does it take to stick a unicorn horn on your cat’s head, or put his face through a piece of bread and post a picture of it? I blame it on the collapse of the economy; people just don’t have time to dress their cats up like they used to.”

Mookie Loves His New Horn
Mookie Loves His New Horn
Source: T.Lupo
Source: David McElroy (used with permission)
Cat Ladies Outreach

An effort has begun to reach out to single women over 40 who live with multiple cats. Podcaster Brian Hagen has made several groups on social media websites encouraging these lonely women. He is behind such groups as “Cat Lady Culture,” “Cat Ladies for Christ,” and “Kittens for Vixens.”

When we caught up with him he said,

“If we can encourage these high-volume cat owners to post multiple pictures a day, it would really help to recharge the Internet. I think I speak for everyone when I say we want to see pictures and reports about what their cats are doing all day long.

If I don’t see a cat lady joking about how much hard work it was for their kitty to sleep 20 hours a day, I can’t get through my day. We need to focus harder on these desperate women to start them posting more adorable cat pictures. This why I am offering my special ‘overnight’ training classes and posting sessions free of charge.”

See all 17 photos
Source: David McElroy (used with permission)

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