What, you didn't rape anyone? Fireworks are so last century. 2016 was alllll about the Muslim rape, don't you know?

Rape jokes aside, we talked about how Cologne police were trying to cover it up (Surprise! German Police Accused of Covering Up Massive Arab Sexual Assaults) since hundreds of girls being molested by migrants wasn't exactly glowing news for the governments which allowed said migrants into the country. Bit of a PR nightmare. Now more information has come out. Spoiler alert: We weren't paranoid Islamophobes…

Local officers had produced an internal "important event" memo entitled "rape, sexual harassment, thefts, committed by a large group of foreign people"… According to Cologne newspaper Express, officers received a phone call from the state police control centre ordering them to take down the report "or otherwise delete the phrase 'Vergewaltigung'" – "rape".

A senior Cologne police officer told Express he was informed of the order by a colleague who took the call, and that state police understood it to be "the wish of the state interior ministry". [The interior minister] denied a cover-up, but confirmed "professional discussions" had taken place between state controllers and Cologne police over the "classification" of the New Year's Eve assaults.