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John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
08-31-2012 

John Semmens
More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News September 2, 2012 Edition


 

Marijuana's Effects on President's IQ Contested

Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney insisted that the President's admitted heavy use of marijuana as a teenager “does not prove he is a dope.”

The question of whether President Obama may have suffered brain damage as a member of the infamous “Choom Gang” as a youth reared its ugly head when a recently completed study by two New Zealand professors measured an average decline in IQ of 8 points for heavy users of weed.

First of all, these figures are an average person,” Carney argued. “The President is already acknowledged to be so far above average that a decline of such a magnitude is easily overwhelmed by his innate genius.”

Second, we challenge anyone to demonstrate any evidence they may believe they have that shows the President to be deficient in any way,” Carney asserted. “I think the recognized mediators of our culture are pretty unanimous in their perception that the President is, by far, the most intelligent person to ever hold the office.”

Finally, even though it is likely that his Mormon opponent never touched pot, I don't know anyone who wouldn't trust the President to make a more intelligent decision on issues crucial to this country's future,” he concluded.

President Vows to “Hammer Away at Key Issue of Campaign”

President Obama renewed his assault on what he contends is the key issue of this campaign: transparency.

People need to know who they're voting for, a candidate's life shouldn't be a mystery,” the President said. “For months, Governor Romney has been ducking the question of how much he's paid in taxes the last decade. How can he expect voters to elect him when he's withholding information vital to their decision?”

If you want to be President of the United States your life needs to be an open book,” Obama continued. “Crucial chapters shouldn't be hidden from view. Attempts to divert voters' attention from these matters by raising issues tangential to this core information should serve as a 'red flag' warning that the truth might be too ugly for general consumption.”

The President sought to contrast the “secrecy” of the Romney campaign with his own “full disclosure.” “My tax records are open for voters' inspection,” Obama boasted. “I challenge my opponent to do the same.”

At the same time, President Obama rebuffed questions relating to his college transcripts, multiple Social Security numbers, and Selective Service records saying “not only is this information irrelevant to the decision facing voters, but it would be illegal to release records that have been sealed by a presidential order.”

Republican Convention During Hurricane Is “Crass”

Democratic National Chairperson, Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla), labeled Republicans “crass” for insisting on campaigning while Hurricane Isaac was ravaging the nearby Gulf Coast states. The Congresswoman attributed the GOP's insensitivity to its “win at all cost” mentality.

They are so determined to oust President Obama that they couldn't postpone or cancel their convention out of concern for the suffering of the people of Louisiana and Mississippi?” Wasserman-Schultz sarcastically queried. “Or what about them using all that time on camera to rally support for flood relief measures? No, they cruelly plowed ahead with speeches aimed at turning the nation against the President.”

It's not like this is something they have to do,” she argued. “The office isn't vacant. President Obama has courageously offered to serve another term. If Republicans cared about the country they'd be getting behind this great man so we could present a unified approach for solving our problems.”

President Obama, who has been on the campaign trail continuously during the GOP Convention, refused to criticize the Representative's comments. “While these aren't the words I would've used, I can't say there isn't some truth to what she's said,” he cautiously remarked. “I don't think there is any doubt that we'd be better off if everyone pulled together rather than having to repeatedly squabble over the direction we ought to be headed.”

In related news, Obama campaign adviser Robert Gibbs characterized the GOP Convention as “angry” and “insulting.” “All we heard were complaints about high unemployment, spiraling deficits and how the Democrats aren't doing enough to deal with these complaints,” Gibbs complained. “They didn't give the President any credit for reforming the healthcare system or killing bin-Laden—two issues that redound heavily in his favor. I think that when voters reflect on how one-sided the whole affair was they'll reelect President Obama.”

GOP Concept of Freedom Too Limited, Pundit Says

Republican vice-presidential nominee, Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan's assertion that our rights to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness are natural rights that come from God was castigated by left-wing journalist Touré as “too limited.”

A talented or energetic person might feel that just being free of restraint is enough,” Touré observed. “But what does the GOP have to offer someone with little ability and no ambition?”

Touré contrasted the “harsh” GOP approach with what he called the more generous world view of the Democrats. “Just being free to pursue happiness doesn't guarantee you'll be happy,” Touré pointed out. “The Democrats know this and have designed programs where the government will come to your rescue.”

An example offered by Touré was the new healthcare mandate requiring women to be provided with free birth control. “A woman's ability to pursue happiness in a sexual relationship may be hampered by fear of becoming pregnant,” Touré said. “Under President Obama's healthcare program this fear has been abolished.”

Or what about a person who's not suited to the daily grind of earning a living?” Touré asked. “It's not God who ensures this person's welfare. It's the government stepping in to offset the disadvantages of those who've been short-changed by God when it came to handing out so-called natural abilities.”

Voters will need to ask themselves whether they'll really be satisfied with a candidate that merely offers them the liberty to take care of themselves when by pulling a different lever in the voting booth they can elect someone else who offers them liberty from having to take care of themselves,” Touré advised.

Obama Urges Amendment to Freedom of Speech

President Obama has joined the ranks of those calling for the First Amendment to be revised to allow the government to exert more control over political speech. The movement for amending this provision of the US Constitution stems from the Supreme Court's decision in the Citizens United case.

As it stands now, anyone can say pretty much whatever they want to about any candidate,” Obama lamented. “And if they've got money to spend they can ensure that their views can be broadcast to virtually every voter. They can undermine the people's trust in their government and breed disloyalty on a massive scale.”

The President explained that “though many have suggested I should implement the needed reform via Executive Order there is no assurance that the Supreme Court wouldn't overturn such an order just like they overturned the McCain-Feingold Act that established controls over election-oriented speech.”

Backers of the proposed amendment say they hope to bring more “structure” to our electoral process. “Ideally, there should be government oversight to ensure that access to the various media during the election season is restricted to the legitimate candidates,” Obama said. “Non-candidates shouldn't be allowed to sow confusion, particularly during this critical period. Those running for office have the right to be protected against ambush by people who lack the standing to enter the race themselves.”

Federal Court Strikes Down Texas Voter ID Law

A three-judge panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit invalidated the Texas voter ID law on the grounds that “it would have a disparate effect on minorities.”

Writing for the Court, David Tatel pointed out that “the photo requirement is a heavier burden for both Blacks and Hispanics. Blacks are disproportionately in trouble with law enforcement authorities. Forcing them to identify themselves at the polls could increase the chances they could be arrested on outstanding warrants. Many Hispanics, on the other hand, are in the country illegally. Forcing them to identify themselves exposes them to the risk of deportation. It is obvious that the Texas voter ID burdens inflicted on these minority groups exceed those imposed on whites. The law is unequal in its effects and, therefore, invalid.”

Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott said he will appeal the panel's ruling calling it “wrong on the law” and maintained that “it improperly prevents Texas from implementing the same type of ballot integrity safeguards that are employed by Georgia and Indiana — and were upheld by the US Supreme Court.”

Tatel rejected Abbott's argument saying that “the desire for so-called ballot integrity cannot be permitted to override the human rights of protected minorities. Democracy rests on the consent of the governed. Inasmuch as wanted criminals and undocumented persons are, in fact, governed, they have a right not to be intimidated from taking part in the process of choosing their rulers.”

 

 

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