John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Government

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 15, 2018 Edition

Strzok Claims Undermining Trump "Patriotic Duty"

Peter Strzok, the FBI agent at the center of the the agency's conspiracy to torpedo the Trump presidential campaign and the back-up plan to reverse the election outcome, told members of the joint hearing of the House Judiciary Committee and House Oversight and Government Reform Committees "I wasn't being biased. I was being patriotic."

"Anyone who has carefully read my text messages to Lisa Page cannot refute the clear evidence that Trump is an idiot that poses a severe threat to the safety and happiness of the people of America," Styrzok maintained. "The stream of derogatory commentary I provided to Ms. Page ought to persuade every sane reader that keeping this man from wrecking the world was of utmost importance. My only regret is that my efforts have not yet achieved the desired effect."

Strzok went on to further defend his actions by citing "the acquiescence of my superiors at the highest level that gave me the courage to embark on this unconventional journey. Director Comey used my replacement of his original 'gross negligence' with 'extraordinarily careless' to allow Hillary Clinton to be absolved of culpability. My immediate supervisor Andy McCabe presided over numerous anti-Trump strategy meetings attended by Ms. Page and myself. The support of these American patriots assured me that I was doing the right thing."

These remarks elicited a standing ovation from House Democrats participating in the hearing. Rep. Steve Cohen (Tenn) even went so far as to recommend that Strzok "be awarded the Purple Heart for the insults and badgering heaped upon you by the brain-dead Republicans on these committees. Their ingratitude for your heroism is appalling. What you have faced was worse than any bullets or bombs our soldiers have had to face."

Obama's former CIA Director and current MSNBC commentator John Brennan concurred with Cohen's sentiments and asserted that "the wounds inflicted on Strzok's reputation by malicious Republicans are more hurtful than any battlefield wounds. Wounded soldiers bask in respect and honor. Even those who don't survive know that their sacrifice is appreciated. But Mr. Strzok is denied even that as they blacken his name. He doesn't deserve this."

Republicans were less impressed. Rep. Louie Gohmert (Tex) pointed out that "at the time Mr. Strzok was supposedly investigating Sec. Clinton's email violations the Intelligence Community Inspector General (ICIG) told him that 30,000 emails had been sent to an unauthorized foreign recipient. I would think that a patriotic FBI agent would've wanted to follow up on such information, but Strzok admits he did nothing."

"Agents have to prioritize how they use their limited time and resources," Strzok later explained. "Unbeknownst to the ICIG, President Obama had by that time indicated to us that Trump was the real threat. I wasn't the only one who ignored the ICIG. DOJ Inspector General Michael Horowitz failed to return four phone calls on the matter. At least I took a meeting with them."

On a broader and more philosophical note, Strzok warned that "these Congressional probes into the inner workings of the intelligence community threaten the foundations of law and order. To be effective, the covert actions of agencies like the FBI and CIA must remain covert. An agent shouldn't have to fear that his honest efforts to protect national security will be exposed by political know-nothings. We rigorously screen the people who become agents. We need to trust them to do the right thing without second-guessing the choices they make."

Shockingly, CNN political director David Chalian called Strzok's rationalizations "unbelievable. His texts to Lisa Page reveal an extraordinary level of bias and animus toward Trump. This casts a pall of doubt over his ability to carry out an impartial investigation. A man of integrity would've recused himself." Speculation as to whether Chalian will be fired, commit suicide, or suffer an unfortunate fatal accident has inspired Las Vegas to set up a betting line for gamblers to wager on their favorite outcome.

Dems Assail Court Nominee

Some opponents of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh have latched onto revelations of his heavy spending on Washington Nationals baseball tickets as "the smoking gun" that will derail his appointment. It appears that Kavanaugh maxed out his credit card purchasing the tickets.

Sen. Bob Casey (D-Penn) called the revelation "very suspicious. Normally, lobbyists provide these kinds of perks to members of government. For Judge Kavanaugh to reach into his own pocket to buy something that others of us obtain gratis from grateful constituents raises a 'red flag.' What's wrong with him that those who routinely pick up these sorts of expenses haven't included him as a beneficiary?"

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) shared Casey's concerns, calling Kavanaugh's behavior "extraordinarily odd. It's almost as if he is intentionally dissing the longstanding customs of those of us who serve in the public sector. What kind of a message would the confirmation of this man send to the American voters? I will use every trick I've got to try to stop this nomination."

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) was so incensed that she refused to have any contact with Kavanaugh. "I thought his opposition to the right of mothers to terminate their unwanted children was bad, but this baseball fanaticism reveals a sinister pattern that should doom his candidacy," the Senator said. "What other weird and twisted ideas will he tap into if we give him a lifetime seat on the Supreme Court?"

Former Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn) admitted "I find his extreme devotion to baseball troubling, but not as troubling as his extreme devotion to the original wording of the Constitution. Judges need to be independent of all external constraints, not slaves to an out-dated document. Our Court needs creative minds that can craft the kind of new rights need for the world of tomorrow."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi warned that "the confirmation of a person so far outside the mainstream cannot be allowed" and promised "he won't get my vote no matter what."

In related news, Democratic National Committee Deputy chair Keith Ellison vowed that if his Party takes control of Congress "impeachment will be on the agenda. We need to remove Trump and undo his crimes. That includes impeaching Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch and Kavanaugh, if the Republicans manage to confirm him before the November elections. It will also include ousting Pence so the Democratic Speaker of the House can take over the presidency and use executive orders to repeal the tax cut Trump and the GOP enacted against the will of the voters."

Mueller Indicts 12 Russian Spies

Desperate to divert attention from the smirking and demonic Peter Strzok, Special Counsel Robert Mueller sent Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein out to announce a second round of indictments of Russians for interfering with the 2016 election. This follows the February indictment of 13 Russian firms that seems to have fizzled.

The gist of the charges is that 12 Russian cyber spies penetrated Democratic Party computers via a "phishing" scheme and used this access to obtain and publish confidential Party communications that embarrassed the Democrats.

"The scheme was remarkably simple," Rosenstein said. "An email containing the link hillary-clinton-favorable-rating.xlsx was sent to multiple Democratic National Committee email addresses. When recipients clicked on this link it downloaded malware onto their computers that allowed the spies to read every keystroke from that point forward. A similar email link hillary-clinton-unfavorable-rating.xlsx was sent to the Republican National Committee, but no recipient clicked on the link. Were they smart, in cahoots, or just lucky? I don't suppose we'll ever know for sure."

"While there is evidence that the indicted Russians published information that reflected negatively on the presidential candidacy of Secretary Clinton, there is no evidence that this information was actually read and acted upon by anyone," Rosenstein added. "There is no evidence that any American, much less anyone connected to the Trump campaign knowingly colluded with any of these Russian agents during the 2016 campaign. Likewise, there is no evidence that anyone didn't collude with these Russians. The only rational conclusion is that more investigation is called for. Consequently, I am extending the Special Counsel's mandate for another 12 months and $20 million."

"I think the Mueller team's ability to determine that phishers penetrated the DNC computers despite the FBI being denied access to those computers by the DNC is commendable," the Deputy AG observed. "I'm not sure how this was possible, but I admit I'm not as computer savvy as I'd like to be. Now that this theory is confirmed by the Mueller investigation I think we can absolve Seth Rich of any alleged role in the leaking of DNC data and refute any theories maintaining that he was murdered in retaliation for his alleged leaks."

"The one inexplicable aspect of this whole matter was President Obama's instruction to White House cyber security coordinator Michael Daniel to stand down after he first alerted the President to the risk of Russian interference in the 2016 election," Rosenstein said. "The most charitable interpretation I can conjure up is that he was simply mistaken. I just can't accept the contention that the stand down order was the fulfillment of his promise to Putin that he would be 'more flexible' following his 2012 reelection. That implies a level of duplicity that we all would rather not contemplate."

Meanwhile, noted Democrat and legal scholar Alan Dershowitz contends that "this latest indictment by Mueller proves that we didn't need a special counsel. This indictment could have been brought by ordinary prosecutors, ordinary FBI agents. There's no conflict between the attorney general, the deputy attorney general and Americans — It's all Russians. Why do we need to spend 20, 30, 40 million dollars for a special counsel to do a routine national security investigation?"

London Mayor Says Trump Wrong to Blame Immigrants for Crime Wave

Mayor Sadiq Khan rebuffed US President Donald Trump's contention that immigrants from Africa and Asia are responsible for rising levels of violent crime in London and other parts of Europe.

"The fact that rising numbers of immigrants happen to coincide with rising levels of violence doesn't prove that the immigrants themselves are the ones responsible," Khan argued. "Let me point out that the levels of violence in the countries of origin of these immigrants are higher than they are in London. This leads me to think that to a certain extent we are moderating their behavior and reducing the global incidence of these crimes."

"Another factor that I think is in play is the matter of culture shock," the Mayor continued. "A lot of things that native Londoners do is behavior that immigrants find intolerable. Take, for example, women going out in public unaccompanied and inadequately clothed. Their indecency incites the lust of men who cannot really be blamed for a quite natural urge to have sex with them. When the women inexplicably resist can they not understand that men will enforce their rights to subdue them?"

"And what about the Quran's directive that all non-Muslims must show submission and pay the jizya?" the Mayor asked. "For non-Muslims to neglect to observe these obligations invites observant Muslims to teach them, by force if necessary. Refraining from force may be the Western way of civilization, but that is a mere preference and cannot be expected to bind Muslims."

"The more the Mayor says, the more he validates my point," Trump responded. "Immigrants should be expected to adapt to the customs of the host countries. They should leave the destructive customs of the sh*tholes they are fleeing behind. If they're not going to do that we shouldn't let them in."

In related news, the European Union's statistics office Eurostat released a report showing that deaths now outnumber births among native born Europeans—a fact that German Chancellor Angela Merkel claims vindicates her immigration policy. "Rather than let Germany wither away due to falling fertility, I had the foresight to import Muslims to fill the vacancy," she boasted.

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