SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News June 17, 2012 
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John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
06-15-2012 

John Semmens
More About: Humor
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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News June 17, 2012


President Initiates Plan to Boost Status of Illegal Aliens

A year ago, President Barack Obama told his Hispanic supporters that he lacked the authority to grant amnesty to people in the country illegally. “There are laws on the books that prohibit me from unilaterally granting the right to reside in America, hold a job, and vote,” the President said in a March 2011 speech at a Univision town hall in Washington, D.C. On Friday, June 15, the President issued an Executive Order that would spare up to 800,000 illegal aliens from deportation.

Despite ample opportunity to take action over the last year, Congress has failed to do its duty to remedy the plight of those in our country who lack the documents that are required to live normal lives,” Obama asserted. “Consequently, I have been forced to offset their negligence. Therefore, I have instructed Secretary Napolitano to immediately begin the process of providing those who were brought into the country illegally by their parents with the kinds of documents they need to fully integrate them into our society.”

Secretary Napolitano characterized the move as “simple justice. Those without documents are at a serious disadvantage when it comes to enjoying the benefits of living in America. This new law levels the playing field. It will also allow my Department to redeploy enforcement resources from chasing down these unfortunate victims of racial prejudice and to focus on those that pose a real threat to the government.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) thanked the President “for saving us the trouble of trying to get this kind of a law through Congress. As we have seen with other legislation like the health care bill, it is a tedious process that too often results in lengthy and confusing enactments. An Executive Order bypasses the logistical difficulties of the 535-headed Congressional monster and substitutes the simplicity and elegance that can only spring from a single mind. Americans should be grateful they have a President with such courage.”

Attorney General Eric Holder expressed confidence that the documents that the Department of Homeland Security will issue would effectively counter state voter ID laws. “This gives us another weapon in the fight to prevent the disenfranchisement efforts being pursued in many states,” Holder bragged. “We're still going to oppose these efforts, but in the event that we can't block their enforcement many of the intended victims will be able to show the kind of paperwork that should get them into the voting booth.”

Representative Lamar Smith (R-Texas), chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, denounced the Executive Order. “The Constitution places legislative authority in Congress,” he pointed out. “Using Congress' refusal to act as grounds for legislating via Executive Order is a blatant usurpation of power that violates the President's oath to faithfully enforce the law.”

Whether President Obama's violation of the Constitution's separation of powers will move Congress to oppose this usurpation by invoking its authority to impeach him remains to be seen.

Obama Calls on Celebrities to Save America

At a $40,000 per plate campaign dinner, President Obama challenged the rich and famous stars of the entertainment industry to “help me take back the country from the malefactors of great wealth that are opposing my quest for social justice.”

While the dinner itself raised a total of $2 million from the 50 celebrity attendees, the President cautioned them “not to think you've done enough here tonight. The money you are giving today is a drop-in-the-bucket compared with the vast wealth this country has bestowed upon you. For a cause this important we must hold nothing back. Consider it an investment in a better world.”

One of the things the President suggested they could do in addition to contributing “until it hurts,” was “to use your status as arbiters of American culture to guide voters toward the right way of thinking. You have ready access to the media. Any one of you can get an interview anytime you want. Don't waste these opportunities by neglecting to remind your fans that if they want to make you happy they've got to vote Democrat.”

NYC Mayor Defends “Nanny State”

New York City's Mayor Michael Bloomberg lashed back at critics of his efforts to save residents from their vices—most recently soft drinks, previously transfats and smoking—calling his policies “fully in sync with the views of our nation's Founding Fathers.”

Those who're on my case because I'm infringing on people's liberties ought to read the Constitution,” Bloomberg suggested. “In there they'll see that the rights to liberty and pursuit of happiness come after the right to life. You can't have either liberty or happiness if you don't have life. I think I've got my priorities straight.”

As proof that he has his priorities straight, the Mayor cited statistics indicating that life expectancy in NYC exceeds the national average by three years. “Look, I'm saving lives,” Bloomberg boasted. “How many other mayors, governors, or presidents can say as much. That I might be crimping the liberty to engage in unhealthy vices is a price that I think everyone ought to be willing to pay.”

Congressional Candidate Praises Abortion

Darcy Burner, a Democratic candidate for the House of Representatives in the state of Washington, told an audience at the Netroots Nation convention in Providence Rhode Island that women who have had abortions deserve our thanks.

We all know that humans are destroying this planet,” Burner contended. “We need to single out those who are taking action to stave off this destruction. No action is more heroic than that of a woman who sacrifices her own child to help us move closer to the day when humans become extinct.”

In order to help the heroes in the audience gain the recognition they deserve, Burner asked that every woman present who had had an abortion to rise and receive the applause of the rest of those attending her speech.

President Says GOP “Has it Backwards”

Reacting to Republican criticism of his economic policies, President Obama argued that “the GOP's 'government is the enemy, the market is everything' mantra has it backwards.”

It's the market that is holding us back from achieving full employment,” Obama maintained. “Businesses are holding down costs so they can reap a profit. Profits show that they have the means to employ more people, but choose not to. On the government side we have been striving to hire more people regardless of whether we have the funds to pay their salaries. So, I think it would be more accurate to say that the market is the enemy and that the government is everything.”

To further highlight the differences between the two Parties, the President boldly defended his Administration's investments in “green technologies.” “The GOP wants you to think that our investment in Solyndra was a huge mistake,” he said. “Their argument is that because the company could not produce a cost-effective product that people would willingly buy the investment was a failure. They're using profitability as the yardstick for this claim. That's not the yardstick I use.”

Every dollar of taxpayer money we put into Solydra was income to someone,” the President continued. “We weren't counting pennies and grubbing for profit. And I'm proud to say that before the company went bankrupt it employed thousands of people at good paying jobs. In so many ways the experience was a model for the direction I think this country must take to effect the transformation I have promised.”

Statistics indicating that household net assets have declined by nearly 40% since 2007 and that 23% of small business owners had no income during the last year hint that Obama's policies may not be as conducive to the nation's economic health as he imagines.

In related news, an attempt to unionize the unemployed has been launched. Rick Sloan says he is heading up this effort because “there is a very real possibility that being unemployed will become a permanent status for many Americans. As it stands now, income is rigidly tied to whether a person has a job. This is becoming untenable for a growing portion of our population. We feel that those without a job need representation to help them bargain for a fair share of the pie created by those lucky enough to have jobs.”

Democrats Attack Americans' Aversion to Taxes

Two prominent Democrats laid into Americans who don't want to pay higher taxes.

First, former Vermont Governor Howard Dean professed himself to be “tired of all this anti-tax rhetoric we're hearing from the Tea Party types. Anybody who has money in America only has it because the government has allowed them to have it. If the government says it needs more of that money you have no moral right to object.”

In Nebraska, Democratic senate candidate Bob Kerrey says he can't wait to get back to the Senate so he can vote for higher taxes. “You know, I was the deciding vote for President Clinton's 1993 tax increase bill,” Kerrey crowed. “At the time, that was the biggest single tax hike in US history. I'd like a shot at topping that record if I can. The notion that some people have that they are over-taxed doesn't stand up to scrutiny. As I see it, if you have any money that hasn't been taxed away you aren't over-taxed.”

 

 
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