SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News August 19, 2012 Edition 
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John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
08-17-2012 

John Semmens
More About: Humor
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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News August 19, 2012 Edition


 

Obama Campaign Offers Deal on Romney Tax Returns

Obama campaign manager Jim Messina sent a letter to the Romney campaign offering to stop demanding more disclosures if the Romney campaign would consent to providing five years worth of Romney's tax returns. The Romney campaign has rejected the offered deal.

Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades explained that “given President Obama's lengthy list of broken promises we have no confidence that any offer coming from his campaign can be trusted. To take just one example, in 2008 he promised voters he would halve the deficit. Instead he's boosted it by nearly 50%. We're afraid he can't be counted on to keep his word.”

Messina characterized Rhoades response as “the kind of self-serving position we've come to expect from the Republicans. They feel that they have plenty to talk about in this election with the economy in the doldrums, unemployment remaining stubbornly high, and so-called runaway government spending. They refuse to consider that we might want to talk about other issues. All we're trying to do here is level the playing field.”

If Romney thinks this is the end of it he's sadly mistaken,” Messina added. “We can still make allegations. How will he disprove them if he won't release his tax filings? He might also want to keep in mind the fact that the President can look at any taxpayers' files he wants. If he feels that voters need to see Romney's records he can issue an Executive Order mandating their release. Romney's people shouldn't forget whose hand holds the whip. They can comply as requested or suffer the consequences.”

President's Refusal to Help Brother with Medical Bill “a Matter of Principle”

President Barack Obama's youngest Kenyan half-brother George had to beg for help from conservative author Dinesh D’Souza because his famous brother refused him aid. Moved by the man's plight, D’Souza paid $1,000 to cover the medical bills for the man's son.

The President's seeming callousness toward his own relative was defended by Press Secretary Jay Carney as “a matter of principle. Anyone who knows the President knows him as a man of infinite sympathy for the downtrodden of the world. Yes, he could easily have afforded the $1,000. But paying out of his own pocket would've undermined his belief that the health of every individual is really the government's responsibility.”

Under a properly working health care system the needs of impoverished people like the President's half-brother would be provided for by the government,” Carney maintained. “Were the President to undertake individual action to provide for his own relatives he could be accused of favoritism. So, much as it saddens him to see anyone suffer he feels it is a necessary sacrifice that helps build the case for universal health care.”

Dems Say Budget Deficit Not Appropriate Debate Topic

Representatives Mike Honda (D-Calif), Jerry Nadler (D-NY) and Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill) issued a statement demanding that the issue of the federal deficit be excluded from any upcoming presidential debates, saying it would give the Republicans an unfair advantage.

The President has been forced to take actions that those outside of government, like Mitt Romney, have been able to avoid,” Nadler pointed out. “For him to be called upon to defend those actions at this time would present a fundamentally unbalanced tenor to those debates, especially when Mr. Romney has continued to refuse to disclose all of his personal tax records.”

Nadler went on to assail the broader notion that “fiscal responsibility and economic success ought to be used as some sort of measure of whether the President's policies are appropriate. Not everyone is fiscally responsible or economically successful. If I had to guess, I'd say that a majority of Americans are not. Shouldn't a democratically elected government carry out policies that are more suitable for this majority?”

Democrat Says Vets' Criticism of President “Close to Treason”

Long time Democratic partisan Bob Beckel said recent criticisms of security leaks in the Obama Administration by retired veterans of the Special Operations communities of all the Armed Forces “is close to treason.”

First, this is disloyalty of the most egregious sort,” Beckel argued. “The President is this nation's Commander-in-Chief. As former military men these people ought not be casting aspersions on him. It's insubordination.”

Second, their characterization of the information revealed as 'leaks' is out of line,” Beckel said. “Come on, he's the C-in-C. He can reveal anything he wants if he thinks it is in the country's best interest. Surely, the President is in a much better position to make that judgment than the bunch of 'has-beens' that are criticizing him.”

Finally, even if we accept their premise that the intelligence information was disclosed for the purpose of aiding the President's reelection, it does not follow that it was improper,” Beckel concluded. “The contention that ensuring the reelection of the President isn't a matter of national security is an assertion without foundation. I think we can trust that the President's access to classified information may make him privy to knowledge that supports his actions. Otherwise, I'm sure he wouldn't have authorized the release of that information.”

Jersey Legislators Take Stand Against Voter ID

New Jersey State Assemblyman John McKeon (D-Essex) called on Governor Chris Christie to break ranks with fellow Republicans who are drafting a voter ID law for that state. McKeon says he wants Christie to use his allotted speaking time at the upcoming GOP Convention to denounce voter ID laws.

These voter ID laws are clearly aimed at disenfranchising the illiterate, lazy, and undocumented persons who comprise a significant portion of the Democratic Party's constituency,” McKeon complained. “These people already have a hard enough life without having to endure the additional effort required to get a photo ID. The state ought not to be burdening them with tasks they can't handle.”

McKeon called the proposed voter ID law “a solution in search of a problem. Thus far only a handful of so-called fraudulent voters have been caught. The implication that this is just the tip of an ice berg with the vast majority lying unseen below the surface is unproven. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that research showing that the vast majority of non-voters are Democrats raises the question as to whether these so-called fraudulent votes are in any meaningful sense wrong. Someone needs to speak for the interests of these people. Is casting votes on their behalf really so bad?”

State Senator Calls for Tougher Gun Penalty

New York State Senator Malcolm Smith (D-St. Albans) says the state's current penalty of two years in prison for possession of a firearm is insufficient deterrent. He wants to quadruple the sentence to eight years.

The fact that people in this state continue to own unnecessary weapons despite the risk of going to jail for a couple of years if caught shows that the penalty is not severe enough to modify people's behavior,” Smith observed. “We need a punishment harsh enough that by the time you get out of jail, your kids will have graduated from high school, maybe gone on to college.”

Smith's proposal was inspired by a surge in gun violence in Brooklyn that has been dubbed the “Summer of the Gun.” The shootings occurred despite New York having one of the country's strictest gun-control regimes. Research indicating that jurisdictions where it is easier for citizens to obtain and carry firearms have lower rates of gun violence was dismissed by Smith as “statistical anomalies.”

Logic tells us that firearm deaths will be minimized if gun ownership is restricted to only those whose profession requires their use,” Smith insisted. “If the civilian population is totally disarmed the only people who will get shot will be those the police need to shoot when other means for subduing them have failed.”

President Victim of “Niggerization” Says MSNBC Host

Co-host of The Cycle on MSNBC, Touré, accused GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney of subjecting President Obama to a process he labeled “niggerization.”

There is no question that Romney is showing disrespect for President Obama,” Touré said. “I mean, he's flat out telling voters that they should remove the President from office. This is virtual insurrection against the nation's sovereign ruler.”

Then there is the litany of insults,” Touré continued. “Romney is saying that the President's policies have failed, that he's wrecking the economy and bankrupting the country. This is in direct contradiction to the President's affirmation that his plan has worked. More disrespect.”

Touré contended that “Romney would not have done this against a white president. What we're seeing here is the 'niggerization' of President Obama—that appeals to racism are what the GOP thinks will win the election.”

The MSNBC pundit contrasted what he called the GOP's racism with Vice-President Joe Biden's “right on the money 'put y’all back in chains'” comment. “Does anybody doubt the essential truth of Biden's remarks,” Touré asked. “Isn't it clear that if Romney wins able-bodied welfare recipients will be pushed into low paying jobs? They may not literally be in shackles, but they'll still lose the freedom they would've had under Obama.”

 

 
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