NYC
Mayor Bans Food Donations to Homeless
New York
City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has issued a directive blocking persons
from donating food to the homeless in his city.
“It's
not that we question the generous intent of these donations,”
Bloomberg reassured. “It's just that we have no way of guaranteeing
the quality of the donated food. The risk is that donor ignorance
could result in excessive amounts of salt and fat in the diets of
these unfortunates.”
If those
operating homeless shelters or the homeless themselves do not turn
away food donations, NYC police are authorized to seize food items
before they can be consumed. While there is, as yet, no explicit
penalty associated with the new policy, organizations operating
homeless shelters are warned that “failure to comply could spark a
more thorough evaluation of their authority to continue to operate.”
Bloomberg
haughtily dismissed suggestions that salty or fatty food might be
preferable to no food from the point of view of a person living on
the street. “We can't let short-sighted hunger pangs deter us from
our goal of raising the standards for all food consumed in the City,”
Bloomberg insisted. “The consumption of excess salt and fat in a
person's diet has serious health consequences that we must prevent.”
Luckily,
other City regulations will continue to ensure that the more
adventurous and enterprising members of the homeless population can
feed from dumpsters that are well-stocked with semi-comestible
discards from restaurants and grocery stores.
Democrats'
“Get-out-the-Vote” Efforts Impressive
One of the
things many of the pre-election polls failed to account for was the
Democratic Party's potent get-out-the-vote efforts. While a complete
accounting for all votes has not yet been achieved, results from
several locations in key battleground states are impressive.
In nearly
two dozen precincts from Philadelphia President Obama received over
99% of the ballots cast. This was topped by some precincts in
Cleveland where the President secured 100% of the votes cast.
As
sterling a performance as these locations in two states accomplished,
they were both outdone by precincts in Colorado where the President
received in excess of 100% of the votes cast. In Gilpin County, 110%
of the votes went for Obama. County official Gail Maxwell attributed
the showing to the County's “highly mobile and energized
population.”
“On
a superficial level, Romney was lulled into believing that drawing
large crowds to his speeches in the latter weeks of the campaign was
a positive sign,” Obama Campaign adviser David Axelrod observed.
“But below the surface and hidden from view our methods are what
prevailed on election day.”
GOP
Adviser Claims Obama Campaign “Suppressed the Vote”
Republican
campaign adviser Karl Rove complained that his Party was the victim
of vote suppression.
“You
couldn't turn on a TV in a swing state without seeing a Democrat ad
tearing down our nominee,” Rove said. “Sadly, too many registered
Republicans were so disgusted by these attacks that they sat out this
election as a protest. It was so unfair.”
Rove
contrasted the Democrats' “low road” with the GOP's “high
road.” “On numerous occasions Governor Romney called President
Obama a 'nice guy,'” Rove pointed out. “Not once did President
Obama respond in kind. Voters were left to conclude that the Governor
might not be a 'nice guy.' This is not the way a gentleman
campaigns.”
Several of
Romney's rivals for the GOP nomination expressed puzzlement over Rove
remarks. “Romney's ads tore into my candidacy like a hungry T-Rex
after I won the South Carolina primary,” Newt Gingrich recalled. “I
was mercilessly out-spent and repeatedly pounded by Romney's TV ads
when I was the last obstacle in his path the the nomination,”
Senator Rick Santorum remembered.
While
admitting that Romney ran a “no holds barred” campaign for the
nomination, Rove contended that “a major Party nominee ought to be
entitled to a certain measure of respect. Once it's man-to-man there
should be a modicum of mutual respect from both the candidates.
President Obama's refusal to accord Governor Romney the respect due
him will forever be a stain on his legacy.”
Odd/Even
Gasoline Rationing Runs into Trouble
Borrowing
an idea left over from the Carter Administration, New York City
announced an odd/even gasoline rationing scheme. It was hoped that
the scheme would cut four-hour wait times at gasoline pumps in half.
However, a
substantial portion of drivers are unable to determine whether the
numbers on their license plates are odd or even. “My plate has four
numbers on it,” one driver observed. “Which one should I use?”
Another
driver pointed out that “I have a vanity plate. All of the writing
on my plate is letters. Do I go on an 'odd' day because it is odd to
have a vanity plate? Or do I go on an 'even' day because there are
six letters?”
An
unsympathetic Mayor Michael Bloomberg chastised drivers for
continuing to own gasoline-fueled vehicles. “If these people drove
electric-powered cars like President Obama has been trying to get
them to do, they wouldn't be having this problem,” he said.
It is
unclear whether owners of electric vehicles would necessarily be as
well off as the Mayor imagines. Hundreds of thousands of homes have
been without electricity since Hurricane Sandy hit the City more than
a week ago.
In related
news, FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) offices in the
hurricane stricken regions of New York and New Jersey were closed due
to bad weather. FEMA Administrator W. Craig Fugate explained
“Conditions were bad enough before this latest storm. Getting our
employees to their desks under these circumstances is just not worth
it. Once the weather emergency has passed we are confident that we
can ramp up to a fully staff operation in a matter of just a few
months.”
Pundit
Grateful for Hurricane Sandy
MSNBC's
Chris Matthews called “the timely arrival of Hurricane Sandy”
last week “a God send,” and “a small price to pay for ensuring
the reelection of President Obama.”
“Prior
to the storm, polls were showing that Romney might win this thing,”
Matthews averred. “But the wreckage of people's homes and the
promise of redemption from the federal government that was held forth
reinforced the case for big government in many voters' minds.”
“Governor
Christie's virtual endorsement of President Obama didn't hurt
either,” Matthews added. “Having a Republican governor laud the
President's leadership as 'magnificent' kind of deflated Romney's
contention that he would be the best man to work across the aisle.”
That the
storm killed more than 100 people and caused over $30 billion in
property damage failed to faze Matthews. “The reelection of the
President will easily save many more lives,” Matthews argued. “Just
yesterday, the Administration announced its support for the UN Small
Arms Treaty. If this treaty is ratified by the Democratically
controlled Senate the federal government will have the authority to
confiscate weapons from those who aren't qualified to have them. This
alone will save thousands of lives a year.”
“Far
from being a negative, the $30 billion it will cost to rebuild will
stimulate the economy and provide jobs,” Matthews continued. “It
will be hard for Republicans to oppose more spending while people are
suffering. In a way, the more destruction there is, the better it is
for the President's agenda.”
Ex-Con
Elected to Michigan Legislature
Democrat
Brian Banks was elected to represent a Detroit district in the
Michigan State Assembly last Tuesday. The 35 year-old Banks defeated
Republican rival Dan Schulte by a 68% to 32% margin. The fact that
Banks had been previously convicted eight times for check kiting and
credit card fraud did not deter voters.
“They're
all crooks anyway,” said one supporter. “Why not have someone
with relevant experience to help us get a bigger piece of the pie?”
Banks says
his experience in financial matters gives him “a leg up in the
fight for benefits for my constituents. As I understand it, most of
how the government is funded is based on passing the bill forward to
the next generation or maybe just reneging on it. The only difference
between that and what I've done before is that legislators don't get
prosecuted for doing this.”
Though the
Michigan Constitution appears to bar convicted felons from running
for office, the ban only applies to those who's felonies occurred
while acting in an official capacity for the government. Inasmuch as
Banks' crimes occurred while he was a private citizen he is fully
eligible under state law to serve in the legislature..
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