John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, January 26, 2014 Edition

Police Commissioner Says Bludgeoning of Jaywalker Justified

New York City Police Commissioner Bill Bratton defended the bludgeoning of 84 year old Kang Wong by City police officers as “fully justified.” The incident occurred as part of the City's new “get tough on jaywalking” campaign. Wong, who does not speak English was roughed up by several cops when he failed to obey the first officer's command to stay put as he wrote Wong a ticket for jaywalking. After the beat down Wong was taken to the hospital where surgical staples had to be applied to close a scalp wound.

Bratton insisted that the scalp wound “must've happened when Mr. Wong fell,” and discounted the possibility that one of the many blows to the head he received from the officers' batons could have been responsible. “In our view, the intervention of the City Police may have saved Mr. Wong's life,” Bratton speculated. “The street on which he was jaywalking was the site of a pedestrian fatality earlier that very same day.”

The Commissioner brushed aside critics' contentions that excessive force was used. “Crossing the street mid-block is against the law,” Bratton pointed out. “Law breakers like Mr. Wong expose themselves to harm by breaking this law and have only themselves to blame if they suffer damage for lack of expeditious compliance with the commands of a duly authorized member of the Police Force.”

Fudged Bio Defended as “True in Spirit”

Recent revelations that the campaign biography touting the gubernatorial candidacy of Texas State Senator Wendy Davis (D-Fort Worth) contains multiple inaccuracies were declared a “smear” by Davis.

Whether any specific item is precisely factual is not as important as whether the essential message is true,” the Senator said. “Unlike my opponent, I am a working mother who has overcome significant handicaps to rise as a spokesperson for women's rights. If we allow this essential truth to be submerged in a cacophony of nick-picking, fact-checking 'gotchas' we allow the good old boy network to win.”

Unlike most working mothers, Davis ceded custody of her two children (including one fathered by another man in a previous marriage) to her most recent former husband, whom she divorced after he finished paying off the costs of her Harvard Law School education.

Similarly, Davis' contention that she has suffered hardships “unknown” to her opponent also raised a discordant note. Her opponent, Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott (R), age 56, has been confined to a wheel chair since age 26 when his spine was broken by a falling tree. “Well, Mr. Abbott may be paralyzed, but he has never known the pains of child birth,” Davis asserted. “So, I'd have to say that he is unable to identify with the half of the population that has to face this affliction solely because of their sex.”

Davis' campaign remains confident that “our 'stand with Wendy' slogan's imagery absolutely trumps anything Abbott can do. He's in a wheelchair. How can anyone stand with him?'

AG Says US Still a “Nation of Cowards” on Race

US Attorney General Eric Holder doubled down on his 2009 claim that American whites are cowards when it comes to race. In a Q & A session after a speech at the University of Virginia, Holder professed himself “more convinced than ever of the ingrained cowardice of white racists.”

Consider this, the majority of the members of Congress are whites,” Holder observed. “Many of them contend that I have violated the law by allowing guns to be shipped to Mexican gangsters. Others find fault with my disinclination to look into IRS abuses of the President's political opponents. Our Constitution and laws prescribe tools for them to use against me for these alleged offenses. Yet, they do nothing. If that isn't cowardice then what is it?”

Are they squeamish because I know what's in their FBI files?” Holder jibed. “From their posturing you'd think that the Constitution was the most important thing in the world. But apparently, the cringe-worthy details of their personal lives scare them off from the fulfillment of their Constitutional duty. Is this not a demonstration of cowardice? These types of racists were very 'brave' when they had the whips and the Black men were in chains. So, I'd have to say that based on the evidence, the charge of cowardice is sustained.”

In related news, Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) urged the IRS to “come down heavy on the Tea Party types in the run-up to the 2014 elections. The enemies of progressive policies must not be allowed free rein to slander the government while we have the means to stifle their lies and propaganda. For us not to use the power of the IRS would be like leaving our artillery idle when we could use it to decimate repel their attacks.”

NY Dems Say Conservatives Don't Belong

First, Governor Andrew Cuomo declared that conservatives who are pro-life, pro-gun, and anti-gay marriage “have no place in the state of New York, because that’s not who New Yorkers are.”

These sentiments were seconded by New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio who averred, “I stand by that 100%. Governing is hard when not everyone is marching to the same beat. People wander off into divergent, idiosyncratic directions. The cohesiveness of everyone pulling in the same direction is undermined.”

De Blasio worried that “just expelling these dissident elements isn't necessarily the best solution. We need to make sure that if they leave they don't abscond with the wealth that properly belongs to the collective whole. Take right-wing radio personality Sean Hannity, for example. He's been saying that he'd like to escape with his swag and join Rush Limbaugh in Florida. I say. Let him go with the clothes on his back, one suit case of personal belongings, and a one-way bus ticket.”

Cuomo admitted to finding de Blasio's eviction proposal “a bit harsh. I would hope that some method of reeducation could reclaim these people to an extent that might permit their continued residence in the state. It's not these people, per se, that's the problem. It's their warped and despicable views that we must eradicate.”

President Hails 41st Anniversary of Roe vs. Wade

President Obama took the occasion of the 41st anniversary of the Supreme Court's decision proclaiming a woman's right to an abortion to urge Americans to “recommit ourselves to the decision's guiding principle: that every woman should be able to kill her own baby as long as she does so before it is born.”

The President also reaffirmed his “steadfast commitment to ensure that this right not be abridged by lack of funding. No baby should be forced to be born just because her mother cannot afford to pay for an abortion. Preventing this unwanted life is a social responsibility that all must participate in financing.”

When we look back on the four decades since the Supreme Court's historic decision we can be proud that over 50 million unwanted children have been spared degradation and heartache as a result of this courageous act on the part of the Court.”

So successful has the progressive abortion regime in New York been that for every 1,000 Black babies born, over 1,200 “have been spared degradation and heartache.”

President May Revoke Redskins Trademark

Among the Executive Orders under consideration by the Obama Administration is one that would revoke the “Redskins” football team trademark.

Every right-thinking person agrees that using the name 'Redskins' for a football team is offensive,” Press Secretary Jay Carney maintained. “We have tried every manner of persuasion to try to get the team owners to willingly drop the use of this name. Rather than let the travesty linger on, the President is using his executive authority to unilaterally revoke the team's trademark rights to the name.”

What this means is that anyone would be enabled to produce Redskin-themed merchandise without having to pay royalties to the team,” Carney explained. “If they won't do the right thing for the right reason, maybe once they lose their revenue stream from jerseys, mugs, and the like it will inspire them to do so.”

While the revocation of trademarks doesn't seem to be one of the enumerated powers of the President, Carney insisted that the Constitution's “insure domestic tranquility” clause was sufficient to authorize the proposed executive action. “It is only a matter of time before groups offended by the name create domestic disturbances,” Carney predicted. “To forestall this outbreak the President is within his authority to remove the provocation.”

Marijuana Legalization Called “Reckless”

James Capra, chief of operations at the Drug Enforcement Administration decried the growing trend of state governments legalizing marijuana as “reckless and irresponsible.”

There are times when the only way we can get 'bad apples' off the streets is to hit them with a drug possession charge,” Capra lamented. “We know they're guilty of some pretty bad stuff, but we can't get the evidence we need. Having the ability to level a drug charge gives us a fall back option.”

Baggies of drugs are light weight and easily concealed,” Capra elaborated. “Each of our agents can carry a handy piece of incriminating evidence that can be dropped near or found on the person we want to arrest. Faced with such evidence a perp with priors or a parole violation might be willing to rat out confederates to escape going to jail. Keeping drugs illegal is vital to this procedure. Without it more suspects may have to be shot resisting arrest. So, in a way, legalization endangers their safety.”

 

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