John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, August 10, 2014 Edition

Obama Eyes Emancipation Proclamation as Model for Amnesty Executive Order

Insiders say that President Obama will use President Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation as the model for his anticipated Executive Order granting amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. In 1862 Lincoln declared that all slaves in territory held by the Rebels were "forever free." He justified it as a wartime necessity.

Those close to Obama say he views the parallels as "striking." "As he sees it," says an off-the-record source, "the vast majority of the illegal immigrants reside in states that are hostile to the Administration?at war with his efforts to transform the nation. Thus, as Commander-in-Chief he believes it is his right to act alone to both serve a broader justice and to weaken the strength of his political enemies."

"The beauty of it is that there's nothing anyone can do to stop him should he decide to go ahead," the source chortled. "He may not have the law or Constitution on his side, but he has strong support from national opinion makers. And if the GOP dares to impeach him for exceeding his authority a wave of Hispanic votes will sweep them aside in November."

To his credit, Lincoln aware of the absence of explicit authority for his proclamation sucessfully lobbied for a Constitutional Amendment (the 13th) freeing the slaves. President Obama is reported to see no need for a similar move on his part to try to fix what he considers "a fatality flawed and essentially useless document."

Judge Denies Plaintiff Access to IRS Emails

The quest of those victimized by the IRS's discriminatory treatment of conservative groups hit a brick wall when U.S. District Court Judge Reggie Walton ruled that the plaintiffs failed to prove that denial of access to the emails would result in "irreparable" harm.

"True the Vote," a conservative organization dedicated to combating vote fraud, had requested that a forensic expert of the court's choosing attempt to recover the "lost" emails of IRS official Lois Lerner. Lerner has refused to testify to Congress on the grounds that such testimony would be "self incriminating."

Nonetheless, Judge Walton characterized the plaintiff's suspicions as "excessively mistrustful of the government. The IRS has said that the emails in question are irretrievably lost. True the Vote has failed to produce any evidence that this is not the case."

A spokesman for True the Vote called the ruling a "catch 22. We are denied the opportunity to probe for evidence because we don't already have that evidence. This is despite the fact that a pattern of 'lost emails' amongst various government agencies is emerging. I don't think we're excessively mistrustful."

Walton also ruled that "the fact that the plaintiffs are free to file lawsuits and are not languishing in some secret prison strikes me as pretty persuasive evidence that they have not suffered irreparable harm. Whether they may suffer such harm in the future is, at this point, speculative."

In related news, House Oversight and Government Reform Committee chairman Darrell Issa (R-Calif) reports that more than 20 Obama Administration have "irretrievably lost" emails his committee has subpoenaed. Press Secretary Josh Earnest attributed this phenomenon to "extraordinary bad luck. We spend top dollar for the best computer equipment, yet this keeps happening over and over. The President is just livid about it."

Weiner to Open Wiener Restaurant

Anthony Weiner, the former Democratic Congressman who gained wide notoriety by tweeting photos of his genitalia is ready to open a new chapter in his life. Spotting what he characterized as "an unfilled niche in the marketplace," the ex-pol is set to embark upon a restaurant venture in the Queens borough of New York City.

"The wiener, or hot dog, is an under appreciated delicacy," Weiner maintains. "Too often it is relegated to street corner carts where it is hastily prepared, topped with pedestrian condiments, and carelessly scarfed down by the palate-challenged troglodytes who walk our streets."

"At Chez Weiner we will introduce diners to a truly gourmet experience," Weiner boasted. "Instead of having to settle for a squirt of mustard or ketchup on their meat our patrons will have an array of classic choices with which to garnish their wieners. My own personal favorite is the foot-long dog tipped with a creamy Alfredo sauce, but we will also have Bearnaise, B?chamel, Velout?, Espagnole, Hollandaise, and tomato bisque along with 'chef's surprise' toppings for special occasions."

"The menu won't be circumscribed to solely wieners," Weiner promised. "There will be a variety of drool-worthy bratwurst, kielbasa and other sausage-like options, we think will go down easy."

Weiner said he expects to make heavy use of social media to promote his venture. "If I've learned anything from past experience it's that whatever you put out there on Twitter goes a lot farther than you originally anticipated," Weiner observed. "Once I show people what I've got I'm confident they'll come and get it."

Braley's "Chickens Out" Demand Mars Senate Bid

Iowa's Democratic nominee for the US Senate Bruce Braley's hissy fit over a neighbor's chickens may derail his electoral chances in this farm state. The trouble started when Braley espied a few of neighbor Pauline Hampton's pet chickens strutting around the yard of his vacation home in the town of Brooklyn and filed a complaint with the home owners association.

In an attempt to be neighborly, Hampton proffered a gift of a dozen freshly laid eggs, but Bruce Braley would have none of it. "I can't be bought off so cheaply," Braley angrily asserted. "I'm a candidate for the United States Senate. I shouldn't have to put up with unwanted fowl trespassing on my property. I deserve more respect."

Hampton was blindsided by the vehemence of Braley's reaction. "These are very gentle chickens," Hampton insisted. "They don't wander very far from home and they don't pose a danger to anyone or anything."

The PETA-endorsed Braley saw no irony in his demand that Hampton cage her chickens or face being sued for damages. "While I support the general concept of 'free-range' chickens I don't want them on my doorstep," the candidate said. Braley admitted that he doesn't spend much time at his Brooklyn property, but insisted that "the very thought of these creatures invading my space even when I'm not there is an affront I can't abide."

Reid Says He Will Make No Apologies for Defending President's Credibility

A big part of President Obama's political message has been the travails he's suffered because of a "do nothing" Congress. The fact that there are over 300 bills passed by the House that are currently being blocked by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) would seem to rebut the President's contention. Of these House passed bills, 50% passed unanimously, 70% passed with a 2/3rds majority, and 55 were introduced by Democrat members of the House.

"The House has been active trying to craft legislation to address an array of problems," Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-Kan) pointed out. "The charge that we are doing nothing is mendacious propaganda. It is the Senate under the leadership of Harry Reid that is failing to undertake its legislative responsibilities."

Reid defended his inaction on these bills. "The President is engaged in a desperate struggle over who will rule this nation," Reid contended. "Faced with the option of helping him or cooperating with the House my choice is clear. If the President is to prevail in his struggle his argument must not be undermined. By helping to ensure that nothing can get through Congress the case for unilateral executive action is bolstered."

The Majority Leader argued that recent polls showing that Congress is held in even lower repute than the President vindicate his strategy. "The whole concept of legislative government is confusing to the average American," Reid said. "Voters want and deserve the clarity of having the man they chose as their President do what the country needs to have done. By validating his criticism of Congress I am helping him to retain his credibility in his fight. For that I make no apologies."

911 Protocols Explained

When she heard someone breaking into her home, 80-year-old N.J. Logan grabbed a pistol and called 911. The Holmes Beach, Florida 911 operator repeatedly insisted that Logan "put down the gun."

This seemingly counter intuitive advice was labeled "standard protocol" by Holmes Beach Police Captain Abbie Safer. "Our first priority must be to insure the safety of our officers. Ideally, only the police would have guns. Failing that it is our presumption that anyone else with a gun is a perp and deadly force will be deployed."

"If Ms. Logan is armed when the police arrive she could get shot," Safer continued. "Even worse, she could mistakenly shoot one of our officers. If she puts the gun down the casualty totals will almost certainly be lower. Chances are those breaking into her home are not armed. Even if they are a shoot out between the victim and the criminals risks multiple lives. An unarmed victim is usually not killed by burglars or rapists. So, on balance, we feel it is better that victims not attempt do-it-yourself self-defense. Wait and let the professionals handle it."

Logan was not persuaded by either the initial urgent demands from the 911 operator or Captain Safer's rationale. "It took the police 20 minutes to get there, who knows what might've happened while I had to wait for them?" she asked. The crooks, apprised by Ms. Logan that she had a gun, ran off long before the cops arrived.

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