John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, September 28, 2014 Edition

School Board to Add Masturbation to Kindergarten Curriculum

The Las Vegas School Board has drafted a new sex education curriculum that has some parents alarmed. Part of the new curriculum includes teaching kindergartners and pre-schoolers how to masturbate.

Clark County School Superintendent Pat Skorkowsky called the plan "common sense. Rather than have these students learn about this in back alleys and lavatories we're bringing it out into the open."

Skokowsky tried to reassure parents, telling them that "trained professionals from places like the Mustang Ranch will be brought in to conduct the demonstrations. Only the most tried and effective techniques will be displayed. Enabling our students to efficiently achieve sexual self satisfaction will better prepare them for life."

A side benefit, according to the Superintendent "is a projected decline in unwanted pregnancies when these kids are teenagers. If they learn that they can attain orgasm without needing a partner they're less likely to engage in dangerous liaisons with members of the opposite sex."

Liberal Blogger Says Obamacare a "Hidden Success Story"

Ezra Klein, editor of the on-line blog Vox, maintains that "continuing reports of Obamacare failures and deficiencies are being exaggerated by the media. The reality is that the program is a roaring success."

"People who have been forced to obtain a new plan at a higher cost are overlooking the broader social gains the Affordable Care Act has brought to America," Klein argued. "Those who focus on only their own experiences are myopically selfish in their outlook. The truth is that a vast number of people who previously lacked health insurance are now qualified for government-subsidized health care."

Klein characterized the complaints as "mostly from individuals who are disgruntled over having to bear a fairer share of the medical costs of those less well off than themselves. If we are to secure the blessings of social justice for ourselves and posterity those who can must help those who can't help themselves. Labeling those who can't as lazy isn't a valid rationale for not helping them. Some people are genetically predisposed to be energetic. Others are not. Winning the DNA lottery cannot be used as an argument for denying the losers an equitable piece of the human pie."

"We need a sort of Miranda-type policy for health care," Klein asserted. "If the minority who find themselves in need of an attorney they can't afford have one provided to them at government expense, then surely the much larger contingent of persons in need of medical care they can't afford ought to have similar rights to have doctors and hospitals provided for them at government expense. In an ideal world, the government would ensure that everyone's needs were met and that all who are able work to their utmost to fulfill these needs."

Clinton Forecasts New Corporate Ethic

Former President Bill Clinton told a gathering of Democrats that "the phenomenon of businesses grubbing for profit will wane in the coming years. Corporate leaders with the appropriate guidance from government will turn away from the selfish pursuit of gains for stockholders and toward a role that advances social justice."

Clinton denied that there was any hypocrisy in his stance seeing that his own estimated net worth exceeds $100 million and his fees for giving speeches are in the six to seven figure range. "It is important that those of us with a clear vision of where society needs to go are not hampered by lack of resources to get the message out," he said. "People who truly understand our agenda wouldn't begrudge us the means to make it happen."

The ex-prez expressed confidence that "the American voters appreciate what we're trying to do. I think they'll help grant Hillary the power she needs by electing her the next president in 2016."

Holder Resigns as AG

Eric Holder announced that he is stepping down as the nation's Attorney General. The ingratitude of the American people and the constant criticisms of Republicans were cited as compelling reasons for quitting.

"Though I've done more than any previous Attorney General to reshape the way our laws are enforced I am badgered by contentions that I have veered too far outside the legitimate bounds of my authority," Holder groused. "History will show that these bounds were too narrow if true justice is to be obtained. Nevertheless, as important as this crusade for people's justice remains, I am exhausted."

Representative Darrel Issa (R-Calif) dismissed Holder's complaints as "a diversion. Holder has clearly been the worst AG this nation has ever had. There is no doubt in my mind that he has been intimately involved in a variety of DOJ misdeeds and cover-ups. Had he stayed on it was just a matter of time before he'd have been compelled to testify or, like so many of his co-conspirators, take the 5th to avoid doing so."

Racial justice expert Al Sharpton says that "while I regret that this great civil servant has been forced from office for trying to do the right thing, I will work with President Obama to select the best replacement possible."

One potential person Sharpton said he is considering recommending is actor Jamie Foxx. "Those who saw him in Django Unchained know that he will be an uncompromising enforcer of both the written and unwritten laws the President is trying to give to America," Sharpton declared. "He would strike fear into racists everywhere. They would know that he wouldn't hesitate to take direct action to bring them down, that the days of white officers gunning down black men are over. We'll see how they like it when the tables are turned."

People Shouldn't Want to Live Past Age 75

Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, one of the chief architects of the Affordable Care Act, says people should want to die at age 75.

"Let's face it, the vast majority of those over age 75 have nothing positive to contribute to society," Emanuel wrote in an essay for Atlantic. "In both physical and mental terms they're pretty accurately described as 'decepit.' Their bodies and minds are just rotting in their shells."

"It would be best if they could be persuaded to exit peacefully at their own hand—perhaps with the aid of a physician-prescribed suicide drug," Emanuel suggested. "Heaven knows this would be more humane and cost-effective than stringing out their years with expensive medical treatments that exact a heavy toll on society's scarce resources."

"The lingering presence of humanity's dead weight threatens to bankrupt our health care system," the essay added. "It may be necessary to limit these oldsters' claims on that system. Fortunately, the mechanisms in place under the Affordable Care Act already authorize the Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services to carry out a triage process that will allocate access to medical treatments. No longer will we remain helpless slaves to an ideology that permits individual selfishness to trump the collective good of society."

US Forrest Service to Charge for Taking Pictures of Trees

Hungry for a means to supplement is budget, the US Forrest Service is proposing new regulations that would allow it to charge visitors $1500 if they want to take pictures in wilderness areas.

Liz Close, the Forest Service's acting wilderness director, called the new fees "essential to our mission. These wilderness areas belong to the government. Why shouldn't we get revenue from what is our property?"

Close warned against thinking that "these areas are too vast for us to enforce collection. We are watching from both the ground and the air. Rangers randomly patrol with orders to seize any cameras used by persons who cannot show that they have paid the fee. Airborne drones can cover extensive acreage and help guide ground forces to intercept illicit photographers throughout our territory."

For now, drone launched missiles are not part of the plan, but could be deployed in the future if needed. "It has already been established that the President has the authority to order the use of deadly force against American citizens without having to go through cumbersome judicial channels," Close pointed out. "So, if more restrained methods prove inadequate we can always up the ante."

President Downplays Traffic Woes Caused by His Motorcades

As usual, President Obama's recent trip to the United Nations to give a speech sparked tremendous traffic jams in New York City. Not to worry, though, it's not so bad.

"I hear a lot of hype about New York traffic, but it didn't look too bad to me," the President said. "All the stories of bumper-to-bumper, stop-and-go traffic that I've heard showed no signs on my trip to the UN."

While Obama did concede that his experience may have been abnormal compared to what ordinary drivers have to deal with, he insisted that "putting up with a little extra congestion when I'm in town is a price that loyal Americans should willingly pay. They recognize that my time is more valuable than their time. A million trips each taking an additional 10 minutes of a common person's time are easily outweighed by 10 minutes of my time that is saved by barricading all the streets along my route from the airport to my destination."

As proof of his assertion, the President reminded everyone that "New York City went heavily for me in both presidential elections. I think this shows the people of this city understand the sacrifices required of them."

ISIS Urges Muslims to "Rise up and Kill Disbelievers"

Enraged that President Obama Secretary of State John Kerry continue to maintain that the Islamic State is not Islamic, ISIS spokesman Abu Muhammad al-Adnani called upon Muslims around the world to randomly select and slay disbelievers.

"These ignorant men know nothing about Islam if they persist in uttering these slanders," al-Adnani fumed. "They may hide behind bodyguards, bullet-proof glass, or the entire armed forces of their country, but the people who elected them cannot escape the fury of the faithful. They walk around oblivious to the knives, guns, and bombs that righteous Muslims will kill them with."

Al-Adnani had high praise for "the heroic action of Alton Nolen who has heeded our call and attacked two unbelievers in Oklahoma. The American police can insist all they want that these are not religiously inspired executions, but everyone knows better."

"There is only one way for people to save their lives," al-Adnani said. "There is only one path to peace. All must come over to the Islamic faith. They must cease their resistance to Allah's will. They must lay down their arms and submit. Only then will they be safe from destruction."

Cities Step Up Efforts to Crush Deviant Behavior

The Seattle City Council passed a new ordinance that will fine people for throwing away too much food. The concern is that this discarded food should be composted rather than just trashed.

"Our growth rate for recycling has stalled," complained Council member Sally Bagshaw. "The notion of some city residents that they need not participate in this effort is erroneous. A successful program requires the full compliance of every citizen."

To enforce the stricter rules the City will empower trash collectors to examine a family's discards to determine whether any items found could have been recycled. "We've taken voluntary obedience about as far as it can go," Bagshaw said. "We must not shy away from using the 'stick' if that is what it takes to keep people in line."

Meanwhile, in Montville, New Jersey, the town council is mulling over an ordinance that would authorize police to conduct warrant-less searches of private dwellings in a bid to curb underage drinking.

"The theory that this might be an unconstitutional invasion of privacy is invalidated by the fact that cities in this state have enacted 300 similar ordinances," Montville attorney Fred Semrau contended. "The four walls of a home should not serve to conceal illegal consumption of alcohol."

As for any damage that might occur when police break into private teenage drinking parties, Semrau laid the responsibility on the parents. "If parents would exert proper control over their children external interventions like this wouldn't be necessary."

RFK Jr. Demands Censorship of Climate Skeptics

Environmental activist Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. opined that those skeptical of the dangers of climate change ought to be silenced.

"I'm really tired of arguing with these people," Kennedy complained. "It's a drain on my energy. It takes time away from restructuring society along more socially beneficial lines."

Kennedy suggested that "climate skeptics should be put on trial at the Hague as 'war criminals.' Whether people realize it or not, we are at war for the planet's future. On one side are those who want to save the planet. On the other are people who want to stop us from saving the planet."

"If we don't save the planet everyone will die," Kennedy continued. "The actions that would lead to such a catastrophe are a worse crime than any committed by Hitler. So why should these climate change deniers be treated any more leniently than we would've treated Hitler had he not committed suicide?"

Veep Says Tea Party "Worse than Republicans"

Vice-President Joe Biden castigated the Tea Party as "worse than Republicans. Democrats have their differences with the GOP, but we all agree on the need for the strong hand of government to control things. The Tea Party, though, is just anti-government. They don't just want to take turns in the driver's seat. They want to dismantle the machine and turn individuals loose to fend for themselves."

To help illustrate his point, Biden pointed out that "House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) was recently quoted saying that he is Obama's best friend. You'll never hear something like that from a Tea Party guy. In my book, anyone who can't be friends with the President is a danger to this country."

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