John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Government

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 4, 2018 Edition

"Experts" Say GOP Ad Featuring Cop Killer Unfair

The unveiling of a new GOP TV ad featuring Luis Bracamontes, an illegal immigrant who was convicted of killing two California deputies in 2014, was declared "unfair" by what the media described as numerous "experts."

Arizona State University professor Kim Fridkin called it a "scare tactic. Just because some immigrants are murderers doesn't mean we shouldn't let them in. After all, some native born Americans are murderers. Does this mean we should kick them out? I think we ought to pay heed to the wisdom of Forrest Gump. A caravan of immigrants is like a box of chocolates—you never know what you're going to get."

Mo Elleithee, executive director of Georgetown University's Institute of Politics and Public Service, labeled the ad "racist. By showing a Latino in such a negative light the ad is unfairly pointing out something that was beyond his control. Mr. Bracamontes is not responsible for being born outside US borders. He is not responsible for the laws the deputies were trying to enforce when he killed them. He is being pilloried for openly expressing his ambition to kill more cops, while his honesty about his feelings is ignored. This is probably one of the lowest blows I've ever encountered in a political ad."

Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Az) called the ad "sickening. Republicans everywhere should denounce it. Trying to blame the open borders policies that I, and many other Republicans, have supported for the crimes committed by the people these policies have let enter the country is no way to bring us together as a nation. The consensus that prevailed during the Obama years is being fractured by Trump's pig-headed insistence on enforcing the laws currently on the books."

ABC News political analyst Matt Dowd agreed with Flake, saying that "by callously trying to turn criminals and victims against one another, Trump has foolishly thrown away that hard-won consensus to 'look the other way' on the whole illegal immigration issue. It's no wonder Democrats have been so uncivil in their words and deeds since this man took office."

Democratic socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made a bid to contrast this negative Republican message with her own positive one in which she pledged "to smash the reactionary forces that seek to deny American citizens the full benefits of socialism. The white supremacists that want to deny people like Bracamontes the opportunity for a better life must not be allowed to prevail. We must unite all the other races against the whites, knock them out of power, and send them to the back of the line as President Obama urged us to do back in 2009."

CNN's Don Lemon argued that "the ad is fundamentally misleading because it is white men who pose the greatest danger to public safety. If Trump were really serious about crime he would be advocating for bans of white men from public spaces instead of scapegoating immigrants who are only committing crimes to support themselves and their families."

Former Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nev) insists that the ad "has everything backwards. It's immigrants like Mr. Bracamontes that are the life's blood of this country. They bring cultural enrichment and energy to this country—energy that we sorely need considering how vain and idle most of the individuals born in America are."

O'Rourke Campaign Aides Discuss Illegal Aid to Caravan

In one of those Veritas undercover videos, Dominic Chacon, a field manager for the O'Rourke campaign in El Paso, Texas tells Anapaula Themann, a field organizer for the O'Rourke campaign, about his efforts to get supplies to the caravan from Honduras trying to make its way into the United States.

"These are all potential votes for Beto," Chacon asserted. "We've got to do whatever we can to ensure that they get here by election day. They need food and water. Beto has the money to pay for these supplies. We would be letting him down if we don't get these supplies to them."

Themann cautioned Chacon, asking him to be more discreet, "we need a good cover story if we want to dodge FEC penalties for illegal campaign expenditures. Let's say that we are buying supplies for our volunteers who are going door-to-door to get out the vote."

"That's not a bad idea," Chacon replied. "I think we can use the pre-paid cards we've got to mask what we're doing. I'm sure that Jody (Jody Casey, campaign manager for O'Rourke) will be cool with it. She already gave us the 'thumbs up' for the aid we've been sending the last few weeks."

Meanwhile, evidence that there is a considerable criminal contingent among the people in the caravan continues to mount. The Department of Homeland Security has already identified 270 caravan participants with criminal convictions for offenses including aggravated assault, armed robbery, and sexual assault on a child or adult female. One of the migrants interviewed on camera said he is coming to the United States in hope of obtaining a pardon on his conviction for attempted murder.

In related news, former CIA Director John Brennan heartily endorsed O'Rourke for Senator: "As a former resident of Texas I am proud to throw my weight behind his candidacy." Acknowledging that he hasn't been as vocal as he should be considering the high stakes, Brennan said "Beto is special, he brings out the same passion in me that Gus Hall did in the 1980 election. Both have expressed the same vision for this country." Gus Hall was the presidential candidate of the US Communist Party in 1972, 1976, 1980 and 1984.

Dems Vow to Punish Opponents of their Warped Ideology

In what she hopes will be a clinching argument for voters to give Democrats the majority needed to control Congress, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif) vowed that "strengthening penalties against those who oppose the LGBT agenda will be a top priority."

"Our society is stained by continued resistance to the rights of the LGBT community," Pelosi complained. "We see religious adoption agencies insisting on placing children in homes with both a mother and a father. We see schools that bar boys who see themselves as girls from using the girls locker room. We see small businesses trying to get away with coverage that will pay for a double mastectomy in the case of cancer, but not when a woman wishes to transition to male. These egregious examples of oppression must stop. And I will be leading the fight to compel uniform obedience to the precepts of the LGBT movement."

Meanwhile, fellow Californian harridan and projected Chairwoman of the House Financial Services Committee in a Democrat-controlled Congress, Rep. Maxine Waters promised "to use every power at my command to pillage the businesses that have been pillaging America. The last two years have demonstrated the evil intentions of the Republicans and their corporate henchmen. I'm telling these folks that payback is going to be a bitch."

"Republicans would have you believe that the 50-year low in unemployment just reported for October is somehow great for America," Waters chided. "It's not. Pushing people into jobs they'd rather not have is slavery. Lives have been overturned as families that used to be able to stay home together and enjoy the good things of life are now splintered as one or more of their members has been dragooned into the workforce. For every regulation Trump repealed we will enact two more. Those tax cuts Trump got passed to cripple government spending will be replaced by 200% tax hikes to make up for the revenues lost. After the Blue Wave sweeps across the country on November 6 all of the bad stuff will be undone and the golden era of the Obama years will be restored."

DC Takes Step Toward Allowing 16-Year-Olds to Vote

A bill to lower the voting age to 16 for all elections, both local and federal, was approved by the Judiciary and Public Safety committee of the DC City Council by a 3-0 vote. It is now slated for a full Council vote in the very near future.

Council member Charles Allen sought to rebuff critics who contend that people this young don't have enough real life experience to be informed voters. "They may still live with their parents and haven't had the burden of supporting themselves, but neither have the legions of welfare recipients who currently vote," Allen pointed out. "Just because a person is not a contributing member of society doesn't mean they have no interest in who runs the government. In fact, I'd say that it is precisely because such people are not self-supporting that they have a very strong interest in electing a government that can do the dirty work of extracting resources from those who have in order to redistribute these funds to those who have-not."

Google Rejects Blackburn Ad

The communications giant rejected a political ad from Tennessee Republican senate candidate Marsha Blackburn because "it shows Democrats in a bad light." The ad shows Democrat mobs engaged in several incidents of violence and threats of violence. Google did not dispute the truth of the content.

Google CEO Pichai Sundararajan explained that "truth is not a defense against bad manners. Pointing out some else's faults is not the way to start a beneficial dialog. The criticized party is not usually motivated by criticism to modify his behavior in the direction desired. Rather than allow Ms. Blackburn to waste her money on such a futile objective we are doing what we think will help her in the long run. It is our hope that she will ,learn from this experience and take a more agreeable stance toward those who disagree with her."

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