John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 13, 2019 Edition

Black Caucus Demands Course Correction for US

Rep. Karen Bass (D-Calif), chairperson of the 55-member Congressional Black Caucus (CBC), the most numerous in our nation's history, has set the Caucus' sights on "reversing the trauma inflicted on people of color by the Trump Administration over the past two years. We will use our tremendous power and influence to undo Trump's evil plan to force millions of voters off of welfare and into the labor economy."

"The notion that a job is the answer to curing poverty and improving one's life is a myth," Bass contended. "Curing poverty has been the task of government since the 1960s' Great Society initiative of President Johnson. The programs begun then have liberated millions from the drudgery of wage slavery. The policies of Trump leading to more jobs than job applicants allow Republicans to exert cruel mental pressure on those who have come to rely on government generosity for a more relaxing lifestyle."

Bass claimed that "the 2018 elections that returned Democrats to a majority in the House were a mandate from voters against the social injustice of attempting to dismantle of a way of life that has spanned generations of our people. The Caucus is united in our determination to take any action needed to thwart Trump's heartless plan."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised the CBC's "commitment to re-liberate those that Trump's policies have driven into the workforce" and promised "to do everything in my power to see that the aims of this noble collection of legislators are fulfilled," and boasted of "the shock and awe that will be unleashed against the enemies of progressive change now that the gavel is back in my hands."

Dem Leader Demagogues Federal Shutdown

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) used the deferral of paychecks for federal employees due to Congress' failure to approve the appropriation of funds to cover this expense as an inspiration to liken Trump to a pre-Civil War slave driver.

"Back in 1860 millions of people were forced to work without being paid," Hoyer observed. "We called that slavery. Now, with President Trump refusing to compromise by accepting our Party's refusal to budge an inch on his request for $5 billion to fund border security as a precondition for Democrats to approve funds for ending the government shutdown, federal employees have been effectively enslaved."

Trump called Hoyer's analogy "absurd. In 1860 it was Democrats that instigated the Civil War in an effort to preserve slavery. It was Democrats that put chains on their slaves. It was Democrats that whipped, raped, terrorized and killed those they held in bondage. To call the temporary interruption of payments to federal employees akin to slavery denigrates the true suffering the Democrat Party inflicted on people of color and the hundreds of thousands of Union soldiers who died or were maimed in the successful campaign of Republican President Lincoln to abolish the vile institution of slavery."

Hoyer defended his accusation saying that "the unfairness to federal employees should be self-evident. Nonessential employees who are enjoying furloughs and leisure will get the same back pay as essential employees who are required to keeping working. Since employees who are required to work have the same rights as those who were not required to do any work they are being treated unfairly. The only equitable solution would be to recognize and reward the essential employees with overtime pay on top of their normal salaries. This would compensate them for the paid time off granted to nonessential employees."

Presidential Candidate Proposes "Freedom Dividend"

Entrepreneur, Ivy-Leaguer, New Yorker, and prospective 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang hopes to win his way into the White House on a promise of a $1,000 per month "freedom dividend" to every American family.

"Critics will say my idea is impractical," Yang predicted. "But I've just initiated a pilot test of the concept with the Fassi family of Goffstown, New Hampshire. I gave them their first check on New Year's Eve. The checks will continue for the entire year. I predict that their lives will be enriched and their anxieties relieved. If elected president in 2020 I will extend the program nationwide."

Yang's critics seem more likely to be in touch with reality, though. A pilot test with a sample size of one is not a valid scientific study. Giving $1,000 per month to 126 million US families carries a $126 billion per month and $1.5 trillion per year cost.

Still, Yang remains optimistic. "I don't believe lack of money is as much of an impediment as lack of vision," he maintained. "Given the US government's unlimited power of taxation and the Federal Reserve's ability to create as much money as it deems necessary, I'm confident we can fund the 'freedom dividend.' Between making a few donations to congressional candidates and twisting some arms once I have access to confidential IRS and FBI files, I believe I will be able to persuade the necessary parties to carry out my plan."

Murders Committed by Illegals Called "Bearable"

At a press conference this week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended her unbending opposition to increased border security by asserting that "the crimes committed by some of those illegally entering the United States are not sufficient justification for implementing stricter enforcement at the border. The murders of innocent Americans by foreigners are regrettable, but bearable."

"We are a large and populous nation," the Speaker pointed out. "We have plenty of room for persons who want to come live in America. The number of our citizens killed or harmed by individuals coming across our border without formal permission is only a tiny fraction of the more than 300 million who live here or did live here before they were murdered. In fact, it could be argued that the number of non-criminals who enter the United States is larger than the few citizens who are lost due to the predators coming in from the south. From a head-count perspective we are better off allowing more immigration from whatever source."

"It's not as if Americans are the only ones suffering," Pelosi added. "President Trump admitted that a third of the women and children trekking here are raped or sexually abused. And Amnesty International puts that figure in the 60% to 80% range. What I want to know is where is the sympathy for these victims? What I see and hear from most of those advocating for decreased illegal immigration is selfish concern for themselves."

In related news, the assessment that Pelosi and Schumer came off the losers in their attempt to rebut President Trump's speech on the border crisis prompted Pelosi to call for "a best-of-seven format. Sure we lost the opening match, but it wouldn't be fair to judge the issue on a single contest. The World Series has a best-of-seven format, as does the NBA Championship. Shouldn't the more important question of immigration have at least as robust a series of match-ups as the less important sports championships?"

Gov Blackmails Legislature

In an effort to bolster his credentials for a possible 2020 run for the Democratic presidential nomination, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo says he won't sign the state's budget until the legislature passes a law making it legal for abortions to be performed by any person for any reason and at any time—right up until moments before birth. The current state statute requires that abortions be performed by licensed physicians before the 24th week of pregnancy.

Cuomo called any restrictions "completely unacceptable. The crushing burden of an unwanted child should never be forced on a woman. The toll on her body, the drain on her finances and her time to care for a person that isn't really needed given the world's excess of surplus population is an unbearable punishment for the inadvertent mistake of failing to use birth control prior to having sex with a man. Holding the state budget hostage is the only leverage I have to try to coerce these guys to do the right thing."

Former and rumored future presidential contender Hillary Clinton heartily endorsed the Governor's stance. "Sometimes you have to play rough if you want to win," she advised. "I can't count the number of occasions when Bill or I had to resort to threats, extortion and intimidation when we were governing in Arkansas or in the White House. Abortion is a fundamental human right. Making sure the law protects this right implements the Constitution's guarantee of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness."

"You know, I think all of the rhetoric about innocent lives being lost overlooks the Jesus parallels," Clinton said. "Isn't Jesus' sacrifice for humanity's sins a model for sacrificing innocent pre-borns for our sins? If a pure and blameless Jesus could be put to death to save the world, what's so wrong with putting fetuses to death to save the world? Clearly a reduction in the quantity of humans has often been cited as a means for saving the planet. Achieving this goal by exterminating the helpless strikes me as more merciful than relying on the bad habits or behaviors of adults to accomplish the objective."

Germany Requests Time-Out

After an evaluation of the country's armed forces showed that the German Army would not be ready for combat operations until 2031 at the earliest, Chancellor Angela Merkel made an impassioned plea to the global community to postpone any planned attacks on Germany until 2032 or later.

"We are in worse shape than the bourgeois democracies that were crushed by the blitzkrieg Germany sprung on them in 1939," the Chancellor confessed. "It would be unsporting for others to emulate the underhanded tactics that enabled our army to overrun most of Europe in the early stages of World War II."

Merkel admitted that she is especially concerned that US President Donald Trump "cannot be counted on to rescue us from an aggressor after the fuss he made over our failure to meet our NATO defensive obligations. I can see that a man who could so easily desert a feckless ally would have no qualms about putting the lives and well-being of Americans ahead of everyone else and let Germany be conquered by jihadis, Russians, or even such relative weaklings like Poland and France, who it just so happens are geographically positioned to envelope Germany in a grand pincer offensive."

While the rest of the global community has remained silent regarding Germany's request, President Trump promised that "no US troops would participate in any military aggression against Germany." Nevertheless, Merkel still complained that "Trump's promise selfishly forces us to feebly and probably fruitlessly fend for ourselves."

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