IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 3, 2021 Edition

New Immigration Enforcement Guidelines

Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, Alejandro Mayorkas, announced new immigration enforcement guidelines for dealing with those who have illegally entered the country, saying "given the flood of border-crossers, the President has determined that it is impractical to try to enforce the laws as written. There are just too many lawbreakers. He has authorized us to focus on deporting those who pose a security threat. The rest will be dispersed around the country on their own recognizance until they decide to appear in court for their cases to be heard."

The chief security threats mentioned by the Secretary were "actions or connections to white supremacy groups, possession or expression of disunifying ideas, and vaccine resistance. These are the flash points identified by the FBI, the President himself, and Dr. Fauci." Mayorkas brushed aside reports of actual Islamic terrorists using our southern border as an access point, calling them "unproven. Until we see bombs going off or massacres erupting in public spaces, I think we can dismiss the fear that jihadi terrorism is a real threat. If anything, attacks from these people would be more likely to unify Americans behind the President."

Mayorkas went on to point out that "20% of the border-crossers have tested positive for COVID. This is a much higher level of infection than we have here in America. The release of these immigrants should help persuade more Americans to get vaccinated. So in that sense, it is a positive influence for reducing vaccine hesitancy within the country."

"The President made it clear to me that I am to use my discretion rather than robotically adhering to the existing statutes," the Secretary added. "He considers the vast majority of those in the country illegally are a positive addition to our nation's strength and that it would be foolhardy to yank away the welcome mat he laid down during his election campaign. He promised them sanctuary and that's what he wants me to help him achieve."

Whistleblower Suspended

Judi O'Malley, a registered nurse with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), has been suspended from her duties while the agency investigates "actions that appear to conflict with the Department's essential mission."

O'Malley is the nurse who recorded an undercover video at the Phoenix Indian Medical Center in Arizona exposing fraud and corruption regarding the COVID vaccine shots. The video prompted the Indian Medical Center to launch its own investigation.

HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra explained that "Ms. O'Malley's self-appointed mission to promote and advocate for informed consent, medical freedom and to expose corruption is not in her official job description. Employees of the Department are expected to hew to the tasks assigned to them by management. Her rogue exposé casts the Department and its policies in a bad light. Her criticism of our vaccination program and her advocacy of medical freedom are in direct conflict with the President of the United States objectives."

Becerra also objected to Rep. Paul Gosar's (R-AZ) complaint that "we are engaged in a cover-up of the medical center's pressure on patients to not report adverse reactions to the COVID injections and not seek damages for injuries they've suffered. Mr. Gosar wouldn't even have known anything about this if Ms. O'Malley hadn't used underhanded methods to generate a video log of conversations that were meant to be private."

"Our attorney is confident that her covertly obtained evidence will be thrown out just as Mr. Daleiden's covertly obtained recordings of Planned Parenthood's illegal sale of aborted baby parts were thrown out," Becerra boasted. "Perhaps Ms. O'Malley is not aware that a jury ordered Mr. Daleiden to pay $2 million in damages to Planned Parenthood for invasion of privacy. Her personal crusade may cost her far more than just her job."

Cheney Apologizes to Milley

During a House Armed Services Committee hearing about the U.S.'s withdrawal from Afghanistan, Rep. Liz Cheney (R-Wy) apologized for her fellow Republicans' "despicable questioning" of Gen. Mark Milley.

"My Republican colleagues would have the American people believe that the General's efforts to undermine former President Trump were a violation of his duty to the Commander-in-Chief," Cheney said. "Well, when the Commander-in-Chief was Donald Trump the only sane thing for a patriot to do was to oppose him in any way possible."

"Gen. Milley's covert machination with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) to circumvent the chain of command was a valiant attempt to stop a madman from destroying the country," Cheney asserted. "Likewise, the General's efforts to seek military assistance from China in case it was needed to thwart an unprovoked US attack on that country was both courageous and prudent."

"The real threat to this country comes from the right-wing lunatics who put Trump into office in the 2016 election," Cheney declared. "These lunatics are the ones who tried to overthrow our democracy on January 6. They are the ones we need to counter with every resource we have. This includes the skills of a general like Milley who can lead our troops to victory over the enemy within."

In related news, Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained the disparity in treatment between Marine Lt. Col. Stuart Scheller and Gen. Milley—one is in prison and the other is giving interviews to book authors—as "a matter of sovereign prerogative. The President has an absolute right to discipline the members of the armed forces as he sees fit. In his eyes, Lt. Col. Scheller's criticism of our withdrawal from Afghanistan—calling our extraordinary success a fiasco—was a blatant lie. In contrast, he felt Gen. Milley's betrayal of former president Trump was fully warranted. Congress showed it approves of the disparate treatment by rejecting a Republican proposal that would have freed Scheller."

Premier Vows to "Crush" the Unvaccinated

Weary of all the complaints against her draconian lockdowns because of a minuscule COVID death toll, New South Wales state Premier Gladys Berejiklian vowed that "life for these disobedient lowlifes can be made very difficult and I am the one who will make it so."

"What these vaccine protesters fail to realize is that they are a tiny minority," Berejiklian said. "The employers will enforce my edict to fire everyone who refuses to be vaccinated. The Pubs, cafes, gyms and hairdressers will refuse service to anyone who is not vaccinated. Police will beat them if they go outside their homes. Their friends and neighbors will shun them. There will be nowhere they can go and nothing they can do to escape my iron rule."

Unfortunately for the Premier, her dreams of unlimited autocratic power have been sidelined by a probe undertaken by the Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC). It seems that Berejiklian was in a secret sexual liaison with a state legislator who is the main focus of its corruption investigation. The Premier has elected to resign from office "to prove my integrity."

Meanwhile, the Canadian Medical Association is calling for lockdowns in Alberta and Saskatchewan "to stem the tide of COVID. We have seen what the courageous leaders in Australia have done to try to halt COVID there. If we similarly confine everyone to their homes and have the police beat anyone who ventures out we can drastically reduce the opportunity for the infection to spread. The key is to prevent as much person-to-person contact and interaction as we can."

The insanity of coercing everyone to be vaccinated is amply illustrated by the latest data from the United Kingdom. While there are roughly as many vaccinated as unvaccinated COVID patients, the case fatality rates are 0.08% for the unvaccinated and 0.40% for the vaccinated. This means that the unvaccinated have a 99.92% survival rate and the vaccinated have a 99.6% survival rate. Clearly, the COVID Reaper has a very small scythe.

School Boards Want Biden to Declare Parents "Terrorists"

Fed up with parents' complaints about what schools are teaching their children, the National School Boards Association (NSBA) requested that President Biden add these parents to the terror watch list. In addition to the usual parent complaints about the inferior quality of the education their children are getting are objections to some questionable content in the curiculum—like critical race theory, pornography, sexually explicit role-playing, and book burning.

NSBA President Viola Garcia insisted that "parents lack the expertise to decide what lessons their children should be taught. Professional educators need the autonomy to make these decisions for the parents. Parents who don't understand this invade our school board meetings and badger us with objections to what we're doing to their kids. This has got to stop."

Garcia suggested that "the President should use his power as ruler of America to order these parents to cease and desist. If he can order employers to fire employees who won't get vaccinated he can order the employers of these parents to fire them if they don't stop terrorizing education professionals at these public meetings. What we hope the President will realize is that the type of parent who does these things is the same kind of person as those who tried to overthrow the government on January 6. They should be dealt with just as firmly and be made to pay a price for their discredited views."

Former governor of Virginia and current candidate for another term, Terry McAuliffe agreed with the NSBA complaint, saying that "parents should pipe down and stay out of the schools' way. They haven't got the brains to handle the complex tasks of educating their children. That's why parents send their kids to school. They need to just let the schools do their job as they see fit. If I'm reelected to another stint in the governor's chair I'll issue an executive order ensuring that teachers are free to teach whatever the school board tells them to teach and barring parents from interfering."