IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: June 18, 2023 Edition

Trump Indictment Amended

Following his indictment for mishandling classified documents, former President Trump visited the Versailles Restaurant in the Little Havana neighborhood of Miami where he shouted "food for everyone." Since it was his birthday, the crowd sang "Happy Birthday" to him. Afterward he thanked them for "such a warm welcome on such a SAD DAY for our Country!"

Upon being apprised of this incident, Special Persecutor Jack Smith announced he would be "amending the indictment to include two new counts. Publicly calling his indictment a 'sad day for the country' is another act aimed at obstructing justice. Promising free food and not following through is perjury. There will now be 39 counts that Mr. Trump will have to answer for."

A spokesperson for the Trump campaign explained that "there were no unpaid restaurant tabs. Campaign advance team members paid for their own to-go meals and the President's supporters followed him outside the restaurant without ordering any food."

Smith dismissed this explanation, saying "it will be up to a jury to decide whether the promise of free food was fulfilled for any anti-Trump dinners left behind. This campaign statement also fails to deny the added charge of obstruction. Calling it a sad day for the country is a clear attempt to taint the jury pool. Given that polls show that a greater percentage have a negative than favorable opinion of Trump I think the indictment could be a 'glad day for the country.'"

In related news, Smith also defended compelling Trump's lawyers to testify against him, insisting that "the so-called attorney client privilege is only available to loyal Americans. As an insurrectionist, Trump has lost this legal protection. Anyone who has associated himself with Trump in any way--as lawyers, aides, appointees, or voters--can be compelled to testify and in accordance with the Patriot Act, may be tortured if that becomes necessary to elicit the required evidence needed to ensure our national security."

Dems Object to Judge Assigned in Trump Case

Though federal judge Aileen Cannon was randomly chosen to preside over the trial of former President Trump on mishandling classified documents, many Democrats are not pleased.

Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Dick Durbin (D-Ill) pointed out that "she is a member of the right-wing extremist Federalist Society and was appointed to her current position by Trump when he was president. Her ruling that an independent arbiter should review the 13,000 government records seized from Trump's Mar-a-Lago was later overturned by a three-judge panel from the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals. Her lack of trust in the integrity of the FBI and DOJ investigators is troubling."

Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) called for Cannon "to recuse herself. Given her background, I think many will question her ability to be neutral. Should Trump be acquitted in a trial over which she presides the result would be forever tainted. The best way to prevent this would be to have a judge appointed by President Biden or Obama preside over this historically unprecedented trial of a former president of the United States."

Mark Stern, left-wing Slate Magazine's senior writer on legal matters, cited "Cannon's total lack of principle, combined with her evident incapacity to experience shame, renders her a uniquely favorable jurist for the former president. This unique opportunity for us to thwart the reelection of our country's most dangerous enemy of democracy is at risk of being frittered away."

In related news, Washington Post columnist Ruth Marcus said, "I am sickened by GOP objections calling the disparate treatment of Trump compared to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden 'weaponization of law enforcement.' In the battle to defend our democracy from its enemies we need to use every weapon we can. What does it matter if these other individuals have technically violated the same laws as Trump. They are democracy's defenders. They need to be free of legal impediments as they battle for the soul of the nation."

Biden Calls for Railroad Spanning Two Oceans

In a speech to the League of Conservation Voters, President Biden announced "plans to build a railroad from the Pacific all the way across the Indian Ocean. This all-electric train will provide a nonpolluting alternative to fossil-fueled air and sea transport."

Biden rebuffed skeptics by pointing out that "people said the California bullet train could never be built, but it's under construction right now. This triumph of modern engineering can be replicated around the world. Two of the best and brightest Americans will make sure this happens. First, my son Hunter has already gotten buy-in from his Chinese business partners who will lend us the money needed to complete the job. All we need to do is put up Taiwan as collateral. Second, Secretary of Transportation Buttigieg will overlook all aspects of the construction to ensure a speedy and safe completion."

"Not to be forgotten are the strategic implications of a US-China partnership on a project of such magnitude," Biden added. "The unification of our two nations on a common goal will dampen hostilities and guarantee peace for our time by closing off the risk of a two-front world war and allowing us to concentrate on aiding Ukraine to dismantle the Russian empire."

Dems Now Party of Rich

Despite rhetoric intended to paint Republicans as the Party of the rich, demographic data and campaign donations indicate that higher income voters and big company corporate executives favor Democrats. In both the 2016 and 2020 elections the top 40% in terms of income supported Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden for president. In a recent CNBC survey, most millionaires supported Biden over Trump by double-digit margins. In the 2020 election, $200 million of Biden's campaign cash came in donations of over $100,000 apiece. In 2022, Republicans were elected in 64% of the districts where median incomes were below the national average.

Asked about these findings, Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) said "I prefer to think of it as a case of the more intelligent voters at all income levels voting for Democrats. College graduates that comprise the majority of persons working in professional careers as lawyers, doctors, and corporate management appreciate that their path to success is aided by Democrat policies and regulations. Requiring college degrees to practice certain professions limits competition and allows higher fees to be charged. Having connections to fellow members of the elite within the government facilitates lobbying for government subsidies."

"At the lowest income levels, the smart choice is to take advantage of the generous options to acquire income without having to work for it," Schumer pointed out. "The return per hour worked can be infinite if no work is required. Voters in this income strata can see that it is Democrats who consistently rebuff Republican efforts to insert work requirements for able-bodied people receiving welfare benefits."

"Now, someone has to produce all the goods and services society needs," the Senator said. "Those too proud to beg or too dumb to figure out how to sponge off the system are going to have to do this work. They are society's losers. They can vote Republican if they want, but most Republicans in government come from the same college-educated elite as the Democrats. It is irrational to expect that these Republicans will desert their social peers in a futile effort to represent the rights and interests of society's losers."

A potential flaw in Schumer's reasoning is that the scheme to live off the product of someone else's initiative and labor may not be sustainable. Trends in tax collections are negative. Revenues for the current fiscal year are down $380 billion compared to last year. This means that more money must be borrowed. One of the biggest lenders has been China, which has a practice of seizing the property of owners who can't repay their debts.

Schiff Calls Censure Effort "Lunacy"

In an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) called the GOP attempt to censure him for his numerous false statements claiming he had evidence that Trump colluded with Russia during the 2016 election campaign "lunacy. As we just saw, twenty GOP members of the House refused to go along with their Party's leadership on the censure motion."

Schiff was dismissed Blitzer's fear that the GOP would try again, "because it would produce the same result. Look, even though I was unable to produce the evidence of Trump's treasonous collusion with Russia, everyone knows he is still a threat to our democracy. My heroic efforts to counter this threat are appreciated and will propel me to victory in the race to replace the ailing Senator Feinstein."

"From a broader perspective, the Constitution explicitly protects every member of Congress from being questioned for anything said in Congress," Schiff asserted. "There is no requirement that any member must prove what he says is true. The twenty members of the GOP caucus who voted against censuring me understand that. The rest are enemies of democracy who will be dealt with when Democrats regain the majority."

Election Results Reversed in Florida

Student and administrative leaders at the University of South Florida reversed the election victory of Sebastian Solano and Jessica Malanga for student body president and vice president. Solano and Malanga had 1,076 votes. The second place finishers Cesar Esmeraldi and Elizabeth Volmy had 1,011 votes.

The nominal grounds for overturning the results stemmed from an instance where during the campaign the winning candidates passed out snacks and handed out fliers with a QR code linked to online voting. USF Dean of Students Danielle McDonald ruled that "the votes were very close and the violation was severe enough that I am upholding the Student Government Supreme Court's decision to disqualify the Solano/Malanga ticket."

"From a substantive perspective, there is serious doubt in my mind that Malanga, an intern for Republican Ron DeSantis' gubernatorial re-election campaign and an opponent of a student government resolution supporting transgenders, truly represents the majority of the student body's political views on these or any other topics," McDonald added.

Biden Bribery Scandal Grows

Last week the scope of the bribe totaled $10 million split between Hunter and Joe Biden. This week, House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer (R-Ken) said he "expects the total amount of bribes collected from foreign nationals by the Biden family will amount to more than $20 million. Recipients of this dirty money, in addition to President Biden and his son Hunter, include the President's brother James, James' wife Sara, the widow of the president's late son Beau's wife Hallie, and Hunter's current wife, Melissa. The most disturbing aspect of this scandal is that the FBI has had evidence of this bribery in its possession since at least as early as 2017. Yet it has persisted in concealing this evidence from both Congress and the public."

Rep. Dan Goldman (D-NY) challenged Comer's contention that the FBI concealed this evidence from Congress, saying "it is my understanding that Speaker Pelosi was informed, but dismissed the importance of the matter. In her mind the few million dollars alleged to have been exchanged were insignificant in the context of the billion dollar federal grant that the payment ensured would be paid to Ukraine. As she put it 'a $10 million fee on a billion dollar transaction is a very reasonable 1% commission.' Such generosity on the part of the Bidens is commendable when they probably could have gotten $100 million."

Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) questioned the value of pursuing the bribery allegations, contending that "these alleged crimes occurred so long ago that it seems a waste of time to bring them up now. I mean, it was five years ago when I saw former Vice-President Biden on TV bragging about how he pressured Ukraine to fire the prosecutor who was investigating his son Hunter. At that time the Republicans had majorities in both houses of Congress and Trump was president. They had their chance to make a case against the Bidens then. Why didn't they? The fact that they didn't makes it hard for me to take them seriously now."

While Democrats and the media don't think bribery is a big deal, a poll just published by Rasmussen Reports found that 60% of likely US voters believe that the FBI is covering up the Biden family's alleged crimes. In 2018 60% of voters had a favorable view of the FBI. In this recent poll only 44% had a favorable view and among Independents only 36% had a favorable view. Comer said "this poll shows that Americans have lost trust in the FBI's ability to enforce the law impartially. I believe voters will demand accountability."

Pandemic Policy Blunders

The first lie of the covid pandemic was the insistence that the virus emanated from a "wet market" where infected bats were sold and consumed. The alternate hypothesis that the virus came from the Wuhan lab where the Chinese government was working on "gain-of-function" research to develop a virus bioweapon was declared "disinformation" by Dr. Anthony Fauci and widely mocked by the media. Now it turns out that the first person infected was not some random eater of bat flesh, but someone who worked at the Wuhan lab.

The next lie was Dr. Fauci's denial that any of the grants he approved for "gain-of-function" research went to the Wuhan lab. Now, a Government Accountability Office (GAO) report titled "NIH Could Take Additional Actions to Manage Risks Involving Foreign Subrecipients" shows that U.S. taxpayer funds flowed to Chinese entities known for conducting coronavirus research at the Wuhan Institute of Virology.

At first, Dr. Fauci said masks would be ineffective because the virus was small enough to fit between the fibers of cloth. Within a month he reversed course and urged everyone to wear masks. Research has since shown that expecting the type of cloth masks that were required for accessing public places to be about as effective as having a chain-link fence to keep mosquitoes out of your yard.

Prior to the development of the covid vaccines, doctors who were achieving success against covid using hydroxychloroquine, ivermectin, zinc, and vitamin D were maligned and threatened. The hastily developed and inadequately tested mRNA vaccines were declared the only acceptable option for fighting the disease. Proof of vaccination was required to enter many public facilities and businesses. President Biden even ordered businesses to fire employees who were unvaccinated. Over time, the vaccinated became more likely to catch, transmit, and die from the virus. Myocarditis, an autoimmune disease causing inflammation of the heart, rose by 13,200% among those receiving the mRNA vaccines. And "sudden death syndrome" became a thing.

Nearly $300 billion in federal covid relief assistance was stolen and another $120 billion was wasted or misspent. The lockdowns lowered US GDP by $14 trillion between 2020 and 2023. Freedom of speech and individual liberty were actively suppressed by government.

Yet, Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre insists that "the President and his advisors did the best that they could. Things would have been much worse if he had allowed the level of freedom that his critics would have imposed on the country if they had their way. He feels confident that his decisions will be vindicated when voters reelect him to a second term."

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