IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 23, 2023 Edition

NYC to Pay Rioters $13 Million

In a lawsuit alleging police brutality in their response to vandalism, arson, and assaults committed in New York City by persons protesting the May 25, 2020 death of George Floyd while in police custody in Minneapolis, New York City has agreed to pay each of the arrested rioters $10,000 rather than go to trial.

Elena Cohen, the chief attorney for the plaintiffs, argued that "the arrests violated the demonstrators freedom of speech and assembly. The City's contention that setting police cars on fire, vandalizing precinct houses, throwing rocks, bricks, bottles at and stabbing, punching, and biting officers, and lobbing gasoline bombs are not constitutionally protected free speech discriminates against the illiterate and inarticulate citizens of this nation. The US Supreme Court has long recognized such non-verbal means of protest to be legitimate,"

City attorney Georgia Pestana said "the notion that destruction and violence carried out by those arrested in these riots is protected free speech is absurd. However, former mayor Bill de Blasio--the named defendant in the suit--does believe it is protected free speech. Current Mayor Eric Adams has more pressing issues to deal with. And given the recent decriminalization of crimes like those committed during these riots under our 'no bail' law, rather than expending further energy and money fighting this we are paying off these plaintiffs."

Dem Wants Incarcerations to Be Racially Balanced

California State Assemblymember Reggie Jones-Sawyer (D-Los Angeles) says "the imbalance we see where Blacks are over represented in our prisons is indefensible. For too long we've allowed racism to unduly influence who goes to jail and for how long. Steps must be taken to rectify this injustice." A bill to enact the reform this assemblymember wants has already passed the Assembly by a 58-13 margin.

Jones-Sawyer bragged that "this bill will allow courts to consider whether a sentence would aggravate or mitigate the existing racial imbalance among the prison population. The standard sentencing practice of giving longer sentences to those with prior convictions would be modified to correct for the over-representation of Blacks behind bars. Longer sentences would be given to persons of races under represented and shorter sentences to Blacks. Basically, a newly convicted Black would be given a break while a newly convicted white would get the maximum sentence allowed under the law."

The flaw in this "reform" is that crime rates are not equally distributed by race. Blacks, for example, represent only 13% of the US population, but commit more than 50% of the murders. The majority of the victims of these murders are other Blacks. It seems improbable that the desired racial balance could ever be attained without massive changes in the behavior of those currently committing these crimes.

The Assemblymember agreed that "getting to a racial balance will require patience. If we combine an aggressive combination of sentence commutation with a generous reparations program I'm confident we can achieve a racially balanced prison population. If, for example, every Black ex-con gets a multi-million dollar compensation for slavery he'll have no further need to prey upon society because the government will have already taken care of his needs."

Dem Defends Censorship

This week in hearings at the House Weaponization Subcommittee, Congressional Delegate Stacey Plaskett (D-VI) rejected Democratic presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.'s complaint against being censored, saying that "certain views should not enjoy the First Amendment free speech protections. These include views that undermine public health and government authority. Mr. Kennedy's opposition to making covid vaccination mandatory both endangered public health and undermined the government's authority to compel people to participate in this life-saving medication."

Plaskett went on to contend that "Republicans aren't interested in protecting legitimate freedom of speech. They just want to force social media companies to promote conspiracy theories because they think that's the only way their candidates can win elections."

Kennedy objected to Plaskett's remarks: "Virtually every statement that you just made about me is inaccurate. The hastily concocted covid vaccines have been shown to have harmful effects while failing to provide the promised protection against the virus. Censoring my attempts to convey this information is what endangered public health."

Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY) characterized Plaskett's arguments as "a further attempt to censor Mr. Kennedy's testimony at this hearing. Her contention that 'certain views' are unworthy of the Constitution's protection of freedom of speech is flat out wrong."

Plaskett insisted that "it is Mr. Massie who is wrong. The Constitution only prohibits Congress from infringing on freedom of speech. The President has the authority as Commander-in-Chief to silence, imprison, or order the execution of anyone he deems is a threat to national security or our democracy. Mr. Kennedy is fortunate that President Biden chose the mildest of the sanctions available to him."

FBI Document Outlines Bribery Scheme

This week Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) released a previously hidden unclassified FBI document, known as an FD-1023, outlining how the Biden business syndicate extracted $10 million from a Ukrainian firm in exchange for protection services to be provided by then vice-president Joe Biden. That "protection" turned out to be engineering the firing of a Ukrainian prosecutor who was investigating Burisma Holdings--the energy firm that was paying Hunter Biden $83,000 a month to serve on its board of directors.

White House spokesperson Ian Sams accused Grassley of "playing shameless, dishonest politics and refusing to let truth get in the way. The claim that President Biden is corrupt has already been fact-checked and debunked."

Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md) asserted "there has been no actual evidence of wrongdoing by President Biden. Right now the Republicans can't prove that the payments made to the Biden's weren't just gifts. Recipients of gifts aren't required to report them to the IRS. That is the responsibility of the giver. Since the givers in this case live outside the IRS' jurisdiction there is no way we can ever know whether and how much money was involved. Releasing this FBI document is another transparently desperate attempt by Committee Republicans to smear the President and his family."

Grassley pointed out that "nothing has been 'debunked.' The evidence bolstering the FBI document's claim of bribery was provided by Joe Biden himself on January 23, 2018 when he was video taped at a Council of Foreign Relations forum boasting about pressuring the Ukrainian government to fire the prosecutor investigating Burisma. In Biden's own words he said 'I told President Poroshenko that if Shokin isn't fired before my plane leaves in six hours you're not getting the billion dollars of aid President Obama promised. Poroshenko questioned my authority to withhold the money. I told him to call President Obama to verify that I had the authority. Well, son of a bitch, Shokin got fired before I left.'"

Raskin countered Grassley, saying "everyone knows what a big liar Biden has been during his 50-years in politics. Now that he is demented there is even less reason to consider him a credible source. It is going to take more than a public admission of guilt from Biden's own lips to convince the American people that he is corrupt."

Other info in the FBI document included the low opinion of Hunter Biden's intelligence held by Mykola Zlochevsky, owner of Burisma: "he is stupider than my dog, but the $5 million I paid him and the $5 million I paid the other Biden got rid of a pesky prosecutor. So, all and all, the bribe was a good investment."

In related news, two IRS whistleblowers--Joseph Ziegler and Gary Shapely--told the House Oversight Committee that "our investigation discovered that Hunter and Joe Biden neglected to pay taxes on more than $17 million worth of payments they received from business partners in Ukraine, Romania, and China. It is hard to believe that the failure to pay taxes was the result of an innocent oversight. Yet, our recommendation that felony tax evasion charges be pursued was ignored."

Group Objects to Requiring ID to Vote

A new Idaho voter registration law requiring that persons prove their identity and residency when registering to vote sparked a lawsuit from a youth advocacy group called Babe Vote. Leaders with Babe Vote say that the new law's requirements will disenfranchise students, people without a driver's license, seniors, people with disabilities, people without a vehicle and homeless people.

Secretary of State Phil McGrane asserted that "protecting the integrity of our elections requires that we be able to verify that every ballot is cast by an eligible voter. People who have a current Idaho driver's license with their current address can use that to prove both their identity and their residency. The new law also creates a new no-fee ID card offered by the Idaho Transportation Department for people age 18 and older who do not drive."

"People who fill out a voter registration card or register online but cannot prove their residency will not be issued a ballot and cannot vote until they do so," McGrane said. "These people will automatically receive a letter reminding them they are not registered to vote until they provide documents to prove their residency. To prove their residency, voters may update their driver's license or ID records with the state or visit their local county clerk's office to provide one of the accepted documents for proof of residency. Voters also may wait until Election Day and then provide their proof of residency documents when they check in to vote at their polling place."

Saumya Sarin, a student leader with Babe Vote, claimed that "having to prove residency is too onerous for too many voters. Since voting is a human right every human should be given a ballot regardless of where they live. Denying humans this right is a threat to our democracy. The risk that too many ballots will be cast is less damaging than the risk that too few will be cast."

Dems Malign Third-Party Candidates

Long-time Democrat strategist James Carville told CNN's Anderson Cooper that "left-wing academic Cornel West seeking the Green Party's presidential nomination is a threat to the continued constitutional order in the United States. I say this because it was Ralph Nader's third-party run for president that enabled the vile George W. Bush to narrowly defeat Al Gore in the 2000 election. It's very clear that the only thing that Dr. West's candidacy can do is help elect Donald Trump. I don't think any of that is arguable. Rather than sit idle and let this disaster happen President Biden should issue an executive order barring West from running."

Meanwhile over on MSNBC, Joe Scarborough lambasted Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) for considering the idea of running for president as the No Labels Party's candidate, asking his co-host and wife Mika Brzezinski: "Do you think he really wants to help a fascist get elected president? Because that will be his legacy for the rest of his life. Joe Manchin helped elect a fascist."

Former Biden press secretary Jen Psaki, now an MSNBC analyst and host, wouldn't buy into Scarborough's slander, but suggested that "Manchin, like all Senators, likes to imagine that he'd win an election for president. As a man who has been outmaneuvered by President Biden at every turn, it is unrealistic for him to believe he can win against the man who has gotten more votes for president than anyone else in history."

Former Ohio governor and 2016 Republican presidential candidate John Kasich said "rather than flirting with third-party fantasies it's time for all good people to follow my example. I took on Trump, from the beginning — refused to endorse him, refused to go to the convention, and endorsed Joe Biden. When I look in the mirror, I'm proud of myself. Since we can't stop Trump from getting the Republican nomination, I'm asking all Republican candidates to sacrifice their vain hopes for themselves and stop Trump from being elected president by uniting behind our great President Joe Biden and giving him a well-deserved second term."

Illegal Aliens Demand Free Housing

This week a group of illegal immigrants staged a protest in Chicago saying "we were promised safe living conditions, but our rights have been violated. Their demands include free housing, paid job training, and access to food, water, and safe neighborhoods.

Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker (D) admitted to being "peeved at the ingratitude of these freeloaders. I already signed legislation making illegal immigrants a protected class of people. Illinois was the first state to force landlords to rent to illegal migrants. They have privileges that not even native-born citizens have. What more do we owe them?"

A spokesperson for the protesters pointed out that "in New York the governor has ordered some residents to be evicted to so immigrants can move in. In Massachusetts the governor is urging home-owners to let us sleep in their spare bedrooms. So, Gov. Pritzker's notion that he and his state have done enough is mistaken. The question is whether he will voluntarily correct his mistake or whether we must take stronger measures to ensure that he does?"

China Offers Bounties for Dissidents Living Abroad

Seeing how effective and inexpensive the payments to the Biden family have been in redirecting US policies and actions toward China, the government is now offering bounties of up to a million dollars to individuals who help them capture or kill their country's dissidents living in other nations.

Qin Gang, Minister of Foreign Affairs of the People's Republic of China, explained that "so far, we have induced the Biden Administration to exclude Taiwan from its Indo-Pacific Economic Framework for Prosperity, end the Trump plan to track down Chinese spies who were stealing intellectual property, allow our spy balloons to peacefully transit the North American Continent, and refrain from interfering with our Fentanyl shipments across the United States' southern border. The trifling sums we paid Hunter Biden to secure these achievements encourage us to have confidence that we will also achieve a successful bounty operation."

Qin said "the key to the bounty plan is that it takes advantage of American law-enforcement's use of bounties to provide private persons an incentive to aid in the capture or slaying of wanted criminals. Putting a price on a wanted person's head has a long and storied history in the United States. I'm sure that the leaders of both of our nations would like to see fugitives answer for their crimes against the state."

"We already have security agents working discreetly to capture or neutralize our enemies residing outside of China's territory, but it is hoped that by offering bounties these forces can be cost-effectively supplemented," Qin added.

Thus far, the Biden Administration hasn't taken any action against Chinese agents known to be hunting for dissidents inside the United States. Whether the addition of using cash bounties to increase the effectiveness of these hunts will meet with any opposition remains to be seen.

Indictments Give Trump Unfair Advantage

As Trump's lead in the race for the Republican presidential nomination increases, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has been lamenting his bad luck. "Normally, one would think that being indicted in several jurisdictions for several different crimes would harm one's chances with voters," DeSantis observed. "Yet, each added indictment adds more percentage points to his lead over the rest of us. I guess being the main target of the Democrats' weaponization of law enforcement makes him seem like a hero to those who rightly fear the country is slipping into tyranny."

"I think the Democrats are really doing this because they believe Trump will be the easiest Republican to beat come November of 2024," the Governor said. "But I haven't had much luck trying to persuade voters that this is the case. The one thing going my way is the record breaking donations my campaign has been receiving. I'm hoping that sooner or later this funding advantage will work in my favor."

In related news, Former Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ) predicted that "Trump may be riding high on a wave of sympathy for being indicted so many times, but one or more of them may sink him in the end. I wouldn't be surprised if Attorney General Garland orders Trump's name to be stricken from the 2024 ballot if he's convicted in any of the trials he will face between now and election day."

PurePatriot