SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
John Semmens
More About: GovernmentSEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 7, 2025 Edition
J6 Pipe Bomber Arrest Oddities
This week, the Trump Administration's Department of Justice (DOJ) arrested Brian Cole Jr. for planting the pipe bombs discovered outside the Republican National Committee (RNC) and the Democratic National Committee (DNC) offices in Washington, DC on January 6, 2021. Attorney General Pam Bondi observed "This cold case languished for four years until Director Patel and Deputy Director Bongino came to the FBI. The FBI along with US Attorney Piero and all of our prosecutors have worked tirelessly for months sifting through evidence that had been sitting at the FBI with the Biden administration for four years. There was no new tip, there was no new witness, just good, diligent police and prosecutorial work."
Patel confirmed "we did not discover any new information. We just reexamined every piece of evidence and sifted through all the data, something that the prior administration refused to do. That evidence showed that Cole had been planning his attack months before the November 2020 election. So, his recent claim that he planted the bombs to protest the 'stolen election' isn't credible. It's more likely that he's trying to do some damage that his dud bombs didn't do."
When CNN's Jake Tapper reported the arrest story he confidently asserted that "the suspect is a 30 year-old white male." In fact, Cole is a Black man. Both of his parents are Black. In his own defense, Tapper referred to the photo of the suspect captured on surveillance cameras on the night of January 5, 2021, saying "the man was wearing a hoodie, but the bottom of his face was clearly white. In addition, the official FBI 'bomber profile' tabs white males as the most likely suspects."
It seems that Tapper is the only one to have mistakenly called the suspect white. Patel pointed out "the white on the bottom of the photo is obviously one of the notorious face masks widely worn during the covid pandemic. And FBI profiles are often useful when other evidence is not in hand, but as this case shows, profiles don't always pan out."
Employees Blame Gov. Walz for Fraud
Hundreds of social service workers at the Minnesota Department of Human Services have identified Gov. Tim Walz (D) as the reason why fraudsters were able to steal over one billion dollars of public funds intended to feed the hungry, saying "Tim Walz is 100% responsible for massive fraud in Minnesota. We let Tim Walz know of fraud early on, hoping for a partnership in stopping fraud. Instead, he systematically retaliated against whistleblowers and did his best to discredit fraud reports. Meanwhile the perpetrators of the Feeding Our Future fraud scheme stole the money that was supposed to feed children during the pandemic and spent it on themselves."
Gov. Walz insisted that "it is their word against mine. On several occasions I have publicly stated that I'm against fraud. Voters believed me and reelected me to a second term. In 2024 I was selected as the Democrat nominee for vice-president of the United States and received more than 75 million votes. Last month, I issued a stern warning informing the public that future fraud schemes would be severely dealt with. The facts show that millions of folks in Minnesota and the United States have confidence in me. When you compare this to the 400 or so who are accusing me you can see that it is only a tiny minority of disgruntled state employees who have anything bad to say about me."
So far, federal prosecutors have charged 86 individuals and convicted 59 for the fraud. Joseph Thompson, the federal prosecutor who took on the cases, said "it is concerning that some of those committing fraud are close associates of Rep. Ilhan Omar (D) and that some of the stolen money has been sent to Al-Shabaab, the al-Qaeda affiliate terrorizing East Africa."
Rep. Omar, sponsor of the 2020 Meals Act--the program from which the Minnesota fraudsters stole, called the fraud "reprehensible. Using the guise of feeding children to funnel millions of dollars toward extravagant expenses is abhorrent. I think what happened, um, is that, you know, when you have these, kind of new programs that are, um, designed to help people, you're oftentimes relying on third parties to be able to facilitate. And I just think that a lot of the COVID programs that were set up — they were set up so quickly that a lot of the guardrails did not get created."
Mayor Melvin Carter, St. Paul 's first Black mayor, said "tragic as the misapplication of public funds may be we must guard against this incident being used to justify racism or Islamophobia."
In related news, the US Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced that during ICE's Operation Metro Surge in Minneapolis it has arrested more than a dozen criminal illegal immigrants — including "child sex offenders, domestic abusers, and violent gang members." Meanwhile, Mayor Jacob Frey (D) has forbidden local police from cooperating with ICE's efforts.
Test Shows It's Easy to Defraud Obamacare
In a test, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) created 20 fake applications for Obamacare subsidies. Despite the absence of documentation to verify that the Social Security numbers (SSN), citizenship, and reported incomes were valid, 18 of the applications were approved for a total of $10,000 per month subsidies. Other avenues for fraud included subsidies for dead people and multiple subsidies to identical SSNs--one of which was linked to 125 insurance policies and an aggregate coverage of 26,000 days in one year. These subsidies were paid to insurance companies on behalf of the fictitious and deceased individuals--none of whom ever filed a claim.
House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Jason Smith (R-Mo.) said "the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS) allows the same Social Security number to run through the enrollment process multiple times. This is tailor-made to enable fraud. The GAO's troubling report is the smoking gun that shows how this broken system, shielded by Democrat policies, has led to the federal government shoveling tens of billions of tax dollars to insurance companies through identity fraud and caused health care costs to skyrocket for all Americans."
Energy and Commerce Committee Chairman Brett Guthrie (R-Ky) stressed that Republicans "have sounded the alarm on the flawed structural integrity of Obamacare. Billions are being paid to insurers for fictitious customers. For all the Democrats caterwauling, no real patients are being served. Their 'health care is a human right' declaration is a cover for transferring billions of dollars from taxpayers to insurers. They are scamming voters with such propaganda."
Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) admitted "the program isn't perfect, but what else could we have done?"
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) said "we should have nationalized the whole health care sector of the economy. This would've eliminated the whole insurance scam that is now a big scandal. There wouldn't have been any private sector to exploit the system. Patients would never have to worry about how much the care they need costs. The government would ensure that any needed care is free."
President Trump argued that "both the Obamacare system and the national health system are wrong for America. Obama promised that his plan would lower costs while allowing people to keep their doctors. Neither promise was kept. Most were forced to change doctors and costs have skyrocketed to the point that continuously enlarged subsidies are required to keep it afloat."
"They have national health care in Britain," Trump added. "The care is free to the patient, but it is rationed. Some patients have to wait months or years for some surgeries. Others may be flatly denied surgeries because government experts deem them unworthy of the cost of providing it. They are currently moving toward offering aid in dying to those they won't approve for aid in living. It won't be too long before aid in dying becomes a requirement for all those deemed unworthy of expensive health therapies. Rather than try to cram everyone into a single government health scheme we need more diversity in the options from which the health care consumer can choose."
Schumer called Trump's suggestion "ignorant. Every variety of LGBTQ persons is assigned to provide care for patients that are required to purchase Obamacare. Only government can compel the maximization of diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) that Obamacare provides."
Sanders said "I agree that only government can compel the maximization of DEI, but I would say that a totally government-run national health service could exert more effective control over the health care provided to the masses."
Senator Assails DOT Bonus Plan
Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill) railed against the Department of Transportation (DOT) proposal to give $10,000 bonuses to only the air traffic controllers and FAA technicians who worked everyday without pay during the government shutdown. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem has announced a similar bonus for TSA screeners who worked all of their assigned shifts during the government shutdown.
"It's not fair to the thousands of other government employees who for one reason or another opted not to work without pay," Duckworth complained. "The problem with these selective bonuses is that it weakens the solidarity that labor unions need in order to improve their bargaining power against management. Effectively, it's like only paying the 'scabs' who broke ranks with other union members."
Secretary Sean Duffy reminded her that "all of the air traffic controllers and FAA technicians will be getting all the paychecks that they missed during the shutdown whether they worked or not. Knowing that this is what happens after every government shutdown many employees stayed home, got temporary jobs to pay their bills, or took vacations. I think there needs to be a reward for those employees who went the extra mile at their own expense during the shutdown."
"This was not a labor dispute over pay or working conditions," Duffy added. "It was an avoidable national emergency brought on by Democrats refusing to vote to fund essential government functions unless their demands for continued Obamacare subsidies were met. As we have since learned, a large portion of those subsidies are consumed by fraud. Instead of complaining about the stellar performers working to keep America moving I suggest that Senator Duckworth work on ways to curb the fraud running rampant in many of the nanny state programs she favors."
New York Released 7,000 Illegal Migrant Criminals
So far in 2025, the state of New York has released nearly 7,000 illegal migrant criminals from its jails and prisons and set them loose on society. For every one of them ICE had filed active detainers with state authorities. The crimes for which these criminals were incarcerated included attempted murder, thousands of assaults, and hundreds of burglaries, robberies, drug offenses, weapons offenses and sexual predatory offenses. Currently, 7,113 illegal migrants with active ICE detainers are currently being held New York's prisons and jails. The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is demanding they be turned over to them for deportation after they've completed their sentences.
"These are people who are not only in the country illegally, but who have committed additional crimes, including heinous crimes like murder, rape, possession of child pornography, armed robbery, and many others," a cting Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) Director Todd Lyons said. "These 7,113 illegal migrants are responsible for a combined 148 homicides, 717 assaults, 134 burglaries, 106 robberies, 235 dangerous drug offenses, 152 weapons offenses and 260 sexual predatory offenses. Virtually all Americans agree that people like this should be swiftly removed from the United States when they leave New York's custody and not be returned to our streets to wreak havoc on law abiding citizens."
New York Attorney General Letitia James refuses to comply with ICE's requests, "because I was elected to get Trump. I wasn't elected to help his goons enforce his crazy immigration policies. New York is a sanctuary state. No state official or officer is permitted to assist any federal effort to enforce its laws against these immigrants no matter how many crimes they may have committed since they entered the country. Do these crimes have a cost? Yes, thousands of residents of the state have been victims of these criminals, but this is the price they must pay for electing me and other Democrats to run things."
In related news, in Oregon, Lincoln County officials are attempting to block ICE agents from renting hotel rooms. County Commissioner Name Not Given explained that "since Gov. Tina Kotek (D) has threatened to investigate and prosecute anyone who assists federal agents who enforce the United States' immigration laws and has authorized $29 million to house illegal immigrants in a hotel near the Portland Airport we feel it would be dangerous and contradictory for us to allow the ICE agents pursuing illegals to stay in our hotels or motels. We need to stay in the Governor's good graces."
Judges Refuse to Testify
US District Judges James Boasberg and Deborah Boardman have both turned down invitations to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Both invoked their Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. "Look," Boasberg said. "The title of the hearing session is 'Impeachment: Holding Rogue Judges Accountable.' We don't want to be held accountable. We're both members of a separate but equal branch of the government. Congress can't force us to be accountable to them."
Senate Committee on the Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassly (R-Iowa) pointed out that "both of these judges have exercised powers that they do not have to thwart federal law and assist criminal aliens to escape justice. These actions endanger the general public and undermine our national security. The Judges need to explain to us why they think we shouldn't take actions to rein-in their usurpation. This hearing provides them with an opportunity to do so."
"I don't need any opportunity that a mere senator can provide," Boasberg replied. "I do whatever I want. There's nothing that Grassly or anyone else can do to stop me. I've got a lifetime appointment. Senators have six-year terms. Presidents have four-year terms and a maximum of two terms. I'll still be here long after they're all gone."
Investment Accounts for Kids
Michael Dell, founder and CEO of Dell Technologies, and his wife Susan are donating $6.25 billion to fund investment accounts for 25 million American children. "It's designed to help families feel supported from the start and encourage them to keep saving and investing as their children grow," Michael said. "We know that when children have accounts like this, they're much more likely to graduate from high school, from college, buy a home, start a business and less likely to be incarcerated."
Their donation will be coordinated with a new federal government program that allows parents to open tax-advantaged investment accounts for children under 18 with Social Security numbers. Under the federal program, US citizens born from the beginning of 2025 through 2028 will receive a federal grant of $1,000 to seed so-called "Trump Accounts." Parents will be able to open and contribute to these accounts starting on July 4, 2026.
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) called this plan "an investment scheme designed to thwart the surge toward socialism that is currently sweeping the country. Trump and his minions think that by setting up investment accounts for children they can turn them into capitalists who will exploit their wealth to make more wealth--buying stocks and bonds, investing in businesses. Their plan will fail. As more democratic socialists are elected to positions of power these accounts will be seized and the wealth accumulated will be redistributed to people who need it more than the children of successful parents."
President Trump touted the plan, saying "investing is the best way to improve the standard of living for every human. Putting your savings to work enables both personal and national wealth to expand. Getting young people onto this secret as early in life as we can will help accelerate economic growth around the world. Socialists have rejected this sound strategy in favor of the feeble idea that granting government control over existing wealth will produce a more equitable outcome. Historically, socialist regimes have squandered wealth and worsened the lives of the great majority of the people who live within their jurisdictions. I hope our investment plan is in time to avert a socialist disaster for America."




