SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
John Semmens
More About: HumorSEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 22, 2026 Edition
Finding Fraud in Government Is Easy
Vice-President JD Vance's first step after his appointment to head up a government task force to combat public fraud should be to follow the example set by independent reporter Nick Shirley. Shirley has been knocking on the doors of places that are receiving government funds--like daycare centers and hospices. His most recent adventures have been in pursuit of organizations that purport to be providing hospice services. He is finding that there are no patients in these places, but plenty of expensive cars parked outside belonging to the recipients of the government grants.
CBS News had a similar experience when they visited a street in Los Angeles with 500 hospices listed as receiving federal grants within three miles of each other. They found empty offices, piled-up mail, and phone lines dead. The Merabi Professional Medical Plaza, a three-story, 32,000 square foot stucco and glass office building in Los Angeles, is home to 89 licensed hospice companies. Patient advocate Sheila Clark said said it makes no sense to find so many licensed and certified hospice company offices operating inside a single building. Auditors said the clustering of so many firms raised concerns because it suggests that the number of agencies in these areas likely exceeds the number of patients who need services."
Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) vilified Shirley in an episode of his "All-In Podcast"--mocking Shirley's youth and lack of official credentials, posting a cartoon image of Shirley at a daycare, and implying he was a pedophile because he asked "where are the children."
Sen. John Fetterman (D-Pa) chastised Newsom for "denigrating the great public service Shirley is providing. Why can't you celebrate any journalist or any activist doing that? It's sad to think about it. Here in the United States, we are literally being defrauded by people who are taking advantage of old people, young people in daycares, disabled people with autism clinics, and no one is doing anything to stop it."
Newsom, an admitted "low IQ guy," blamed the fraud on Trump, saying "California put a moratorium on new hospice licenses in 2021. This is federal money that's has been stolen for years. I can't be held responsible for any of it."
Vance asked "Governor since you imposed a moratorium back in 2021 have you done anything to verify that these businesses are legitimate, that they have people being cared for, that the claims for so-called reimbursement for expenses are valid? Seeing that the whole state has fared poorly in so many areas during your two terms, I think the obvious answer is no. You'll be hearing more from me shortly."
In related news, undercover video taken at a Los Angeles homeless encampment and released by the O'Keefe Media Group (OMG) showed individuals being offered cash, drugs, and cigarettes for signing petitions, registering to vote, and requesting absentee ballots. They were also told to "make up an address. We'll handle it from here on." Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass, LA DA Nathan Hochman, the California Secretary of State's office and Governor Newsom have all confirmed they are aware of what's going on and agreed "someone should investigate and follow up on these felonies."
US Intel Analysts Hid Chinese 2020 Election Interference
In January 2021, Dr. Barry Zulauf, a member of the Senior National Intelligence Service, reported that "US intel analysts working on Chinese influence operations during the 2020 election downplayed China's meddling, one analyst admitted to withholding information on China's efforts to meddle in the 2020 presidential election from President Trump 'because I don't want my intelligence going to the White House where it will be used by that vulgarian in the Oval Office to support policies against China with which I personally disagree.'"
Zulauf's report was buried in the federal files. He made several speeches disclosing this Intel dereliction of duty, but no mainstream news media picked up this story or the fact that US Intel was aware of China's intel gaining access to American voter registration data and a Chinese-affiliated election service company named Konnech that had 'super administration' privileges with computers used to tabulate votes. A person with such privileges can delete data, steal data, alter data, change programming, and cover his or her tracks because they can access and alter security protocols and programs. Instead, many firms in the US mainstream media dubbed the 2020 elections "the most secure ever."
Former Secretary of Homeland Security during the Biden Administration Jeh Johnson asserted "we looked everywhere for evidence of election fraud when I worked for President Biden. We couldn't find any proof that any invalid votes were cast or counted. No one can prove that the record-breaking 81 million votes that President Biden received weren't honestly cast. He was a remarkably popular candidate, a true 'man-of-the-people,' and did an outstanding job. I believe he would've beaten Trump a second time if he hadn't been pushed aside by Vice-President Kamala Harris in 2024."
De Niro Upset with Mamdani
Actor Robert De Niro is upset that New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani wants to raise his property taxes. "I understand that the City needs more revenue to deliver all the services he promised when he ran for the office of mayor, but I helped get this guy elected," De Niro complained. "Now he wants to take more from me than any mayor in history and he won't even have a sit down meeting with me. Where's the gratitude I'm owed?"
So far, Mamdani has refused the face-to-face meeting De Niro has requested, saying "this is not a mobster movie where he does me a favor and I do him a favor. Mr. De Niro is a millionaire many times over. He is precisely the type of person who should be paying more to support the social services I want to provide for those less wealthy than he is. I said during my campaign that those who have more than they need have an obligation to pay to support those who have less than they need. Voters agreed that the rich needed to pay more. That's why they elected me. This is the very essence of democratic socialism. I don't need an in-person meeting with him to get this message across."
The Mayor acknowledged that "Mr. De Niro is rich enough to live anywhere he wants. He could move to where the government doesn't enforce the transfer of wealth from the rich to the poor. At present, I have no way of stopping him. There will come a day, though, when state governments impose an exit fee on those who want to leave to escape taxes or democratic socialism becomes a nationwide system where all are compelled to share and share alike when it comes to wealth. Everyone's wealth will be held by the collective and distributed by the government based on need like they did in the old Soviet Union. I recommend that rather than resisting these moves toward equality, Mr. De Niro accept his moral obligation to share what he has and accept what he is allowed to keep without complaining."
In related news, the New York City Council's ethics committee is preparing to discipline Council member Vickie Paladino for her "disorderly behavior," which includes criticizing pro-Palestinian protests, squatters, Drag Queen Story Hour, congestion pricing, COVID-19 vaccine mandates, and Mamdani's appointment of aides sympathetic to Islamic terrorism. She is one of only four Republicans on the 51-member City Council." Jack Lobel, spokesperson for City Council Speaker Julie Menin, explained "anyone can see from what she has said that she is out-of-step with the community values and standards that our new Mayor is trying to implement. If we are going to achieve unity she has to go."
Carville Admits He's No Expert
James Carville became a national figure as an advisor to Gov. Bill Clinton's successful 1992 campaign for president. Since that time he's made a good living as a so-called political expert. His November 2024 New York Times op-ed "Three Reasons I'm Certain Kamala Harris Will Win" was far short of accurate. Likewise, his 2009 book "40 More Years: How the Democrats Will Rule the Next Generation" seems off-base.
During an interview with ESPN sports analyst Stephen A. Smith, Carville admitted "the truth of the matter is, I'm not a very good predictor of elections. I can't even remember what the three reasons were that I thought Kamala would beat Trump. But I figured if I hated Trump then anyone who wasn't a MAGA Nazi would also hate him and vote against him no matter who was his opponent. So, it looks like we experts don't have any better insights about who is going to win than the average Joe. But heck, as long as folks are willing to pay for my advice and predictions why should I stop giving them?"
Carville asked Smith for his advice, saying "Democrats have not been doing well with young male voters. You might be the best person in the world communicating with young men. What should we be saying to get them on our side?"
Smith suggested "speak the language of the average American citizen that's out there trying to survive and feed their family every day. Speak to those people as opposed to a portion of the LGBTQ+ community or woke culture or canceling somebody because they got a fact wrong or they said somebody's name wrong."
"Not gonna happen," Carville said. "If we do that we'll have crowds of screaming lunatics outside our homes calling us 'Trump lovers' and 'Nazis.' I think we might have to forget about winning over voters and concentrate on harvesting as many ballots as we can while we still can. And if we win, we outlaw voter ID in every state. Then my prediction of 40-years of Democratic rule might prove accurate after all."



