Kash Patel, Trump's pick to lead the FBI, fielded questions from America's lowest and most despicable lawbreakers ahead of his confirmation vote in the Senate.

"I have serious concerns about your character, Mr. Patel," said Senator Whitehouse, a notorious DC criminal. "Based on things you've said in the past, it seems you want to turn the FBI into a law enforcement agency to be weaponized against criminals. I find this unsettling and deeply disqualifying."

Sources say Patel simply responded with a silent, unblinking stare.

Senator Amy Klobuchar, another dangerous lawbreaker who has thus far evaded capture by police, expressed similar concerns. "EEEEEEEEEEEE!" said Klobuchar in a forceful monologue during the hearing. "EEEEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEKKKK!"

The rest of Klobuchar's statement was not recorded as technicians mercifully turned her microphone off.

At publishing time, Patel's fate was still up in the air as the gang of criminals deliberated on whether to confirm him.