President
Admits He Sometimes Forgets the Magnitude of the Recession
President
Obama asked voters to forgive him if he sometimes fails to feel their
pain over lost employment, foreclosed homes, and mounting personal
debt.
“I've
led kind of a sheltered life,” the President admitted. “I went to
private schools when I was young. I had a scholarship to go to
college. I never really had to worry about working to pay my own way.
Now, of course, as President, I live in a big house with dozens of
servants. I have my own jumbo jet to fly me wherever I want. So, you
can see how it might be hard for me to relate to the common people.”
Obama
said he hoped that voters wouldn't forget that “the recession is
not my fault. It started before I got here. I've done everything I
could to try to correct the problem. What other president has spent
as much to try to heal the economy? I mean, how much more generous
could I have been?”
Obama's
Aunt Complains of Abuse in Autobiography
President
Obama's aunt Zeituni Onyango has recently published a memoir of her
time in America. The book is titled Tears
of Abuse. It
alleges
that her time in this country has been nothing but torment.
Residing
in the United States illegally from 2002 until she was granted asylum
by the Obama Administration in 2010, Zeituni's book complains of the
“shabby accommodations” and “meager sustenance” she was
forced to suffer through while on public assistance during that
period. “I had to live in public housing amidst an agglomeration of
the common riffraff,” Zeituni wrote. “There was no one to prepare
my meals. I was given food stamps and told I had to fetch my own food
and cook my own meals. I felt humiliated.”
Obama's
aunt attributed her treatment to “America's racist mindset. My
nephew was an important figure in the government—first a state
senator, later a US senator, and finally the president. Still, I was
denied the status befitting someone whose family member was part of
the ruling class. This wouldn't have happened to me if I were white.”
Thus
far, the book's sales have been weak—a phenomenon Zeituni says
further bolsters her case that she has “been the victim of racial
discrimination from the first day I set foot in this God forsaken
land.”
Question
about Secrets on Third Grade Test Defended
New Jersey
third-grade public school students were asked to disclose a secret
about their lives and discuss why it's hard to keep. Parents who
raised objections over what possible relevance such a question could
have for assessing a child's academic progress were said to be
“overreacting” by school authorities.
“First
of all, the answers to this question aren't graded, per se,”
explained Elinor Schnoop, spokesperson for the New Jersey Department
of Education. “A student can't fail the test no matter what answer
he or she gives. That's not the purpose for asking this question.”
The
purpose is apparently “more socially oriented.” “Let's say the
secret is that the child is being abused at home,” Schnoop said.
“Wouldn't that be important information for the school to know? Or
what if the student is gay or masturbates? The school could take
steps to reassure the student that this is perfectly normal.”
Safety was
another rationale offered. “What if the secret is that the parents
have a gun in the home?” the Schnoop asked. “What if the parents
have deviant political views, belong to a militia, or are
anti-immigrant? Teasing this kind of information out of students
could help promote national security.”
Democrats
Make Gay Marriage a Major Political Issue
President
Obama announced that his thinking has evolved to the point where he
now supports the idea that persons of the same sex are entitled to
marry one another. “Look, Jesus spent his career in the company of
men,” Obama pointed out. “He never married. I think we have a
pretty good indication that it was only the prejudice of the
religious and secular authorities that prevented him hooking up with
one of the Apostles—perhaps the famous 'beloved apostle.' I say
it's time that prejudice and repression of gays come to an end.”
House
Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she is hoping that the
President's endorsement of gay marriage will persuade voters “to
look past economic disappointments and reward the President and his
Party for this momentous achievement. The President's courageous
decision is a reminder to us all that petty concerns over paychecks
and jobs pale in comparison to the need to establish equal rights for
all. President Obama filled my heart with joy. I think his action
here fulfills Jesus' message of universal love.”
Representative
Barney Frank (D-Mass) predicted that this open endorsement of gay
rights will be a winning issue for Democrats in November because “it
gives America's gay majority the incentive to come out in force to
reelect the President. I would advise every Democrat to get on this
bandwagon while they can.” The first wave of Democrats taking
Frank's advice included Representatives Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
(Fla), Nita Lowey (NY), Jim Himes (Conn), Jared Polis (Colo), Peter
Welch (Vt), Xavier Becerra (Calif) and Jackie Speier (Calif).
In related
news, a bill that would make it a crime to try to dissuade children
from choosing a homosexual lifestyle is expected to pass in that
state's heavily Democratic legislature. California Senate Bill 1172
would make it illegal for therapists, psychologists, counselors and
parents to engage in any kind of “sexual orientation change
efforts” for children 18 and younger. The bill's sponsor, Senator
Ted Lieu (D-Torrance), maintained that “a person's sexual
orientation is in his genes. Anyone who attempts to divert a person
from his or her gay destiny is committing a crime against human
nature.”
President
to Crack Down on Obesity in Second Term
Contending
that obesity is a bigger threat than Islamic terror, White House chef
and food initiative coordinator Sam Kass says that combating this
threat will be a major focus of the President's second term.
“Let's
face it, too many of us are too damned fat,” Kass observed. “Given
the opportunity to freely choose their own diets a distressingly
large percentage consistently make the wrong choices. Preventing
these wrong choices is crucial to the collective health and
well-being of our society.”
Of course,
preventing wrong choices is a daunting task in a free country. Kass
hinted that indoctrinating youth would be one way to make this
happen. “In the First Lady's 'Let's Move' program I've seen kids
dancing and cheering for vegetables,” Kass remembered. “Getting
adults to join in is the next step.” For those skeptical about the
prospect of adults dancing and cheering for vegetables, Kass pointed
out that “they do it in China.”
Kass
declined to speculate on whether a so-called “fat tax” might be
enacted, but argued that it could be very persuasive. “If you've
got to pay more for every pound of blubber you add you'll think twice
about having a cheese burger or a dessert,” Kass maintained. “In
my opinion, issuing an Executive Order imposing such a tax is
something President Obama should consider.”
NAACP
Flunks GOP Legislators
The latest
National Association for the Advancement of Colored People annual
Civil Rights Legislative Report Card gives every Republican member of
the US House and Senate a failing grade.
NAACP
President, Benjamin Jealous, explained the grades saying “the GOP
has consistently opposed advancing the interests of African
Americans. Their argument that they want a 'color blind' rule of law
explicitly rejects the idea of special help for our people. Equal
opportunity is not enough to compensate us for centuries of slavery
and oppression.”
Jealous
suggested that the GOP might improve future grades by helping pass
reparations legislation. “Incalculable harm was done to our
ancestors,” Jealous said. “If we took every last dime a white man
earned in his lifetime it wouldn't repay the damages caused by his
ancestors. Many generations would need to toil to pay off this debt.
Voting to get started on retiring this debt might move the GOP up to
a grade of 'D.'”
Bin
Laden Alibi Memo Called “No Big Deal”
Revelation
that CIA Director Leon Panetta drafted a memo that would've been used
to absolve President Obama of blame had the mission to kill Osama bin
Laden failed was labeled “no big deal” by Presidential Press
Secretary Jay Carney. Targeted to take the fall was Naval Special
Operations Commander Adm. Bill McRaven.
“Protecting
the President is 'job #1' for everyone working for the federal
government,” Carney contended. “The President is the essential
man in our government. Everyone else is expendable. I mean, who's
ever heard of McRaven? Would it be the end of the world if he were
made a scapegoat?”
“Realistically,
sacrificing one man's career is a small price to pay for preserving
the President's credibility,” Carney added. “Taking the blame for
your Commander-in-Chief is an obligation that any soldier or sailor
should be proud of. He could've been asked for a lot more. After all,
Secret Service agents are routinely expected to take a bullet for the
President. Next to that, being designated a fool or blunderer for a
botched mission should be considered a walk in the park.”
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