SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, May 5, 2013 Edition 
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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, May 5, 2013 Edition

Abortionist Kermit Gosnell Not an Anomaly

Details on how Dr. Kermit Gosnell dispatched babies who survived late term abortions by “snipping their spinal cords” are as grisly as any contemporary “slasher film.” Unfortunately, the practice of disposing of such survivors by abortionists is not unusual.

Dr. Cesare Santangelo of Washington, D.C. was caught in an undercover video reassuring a prospective abortion procurer that “even if the fetus comes out alive we would not help it.” At Dr. Emily Women’s Health Center in New York City abortion survivors are drowned in “jars of solutions.”

National Abortion Federation President Vicki Saporta says “Gosnell's main problem is his own incompetence. If the job is done right the fetus is killed before it gets outside the mother's body. When there are no survivors there are no 'gray areas' where the appropriate actions are ambiguous.”

Planned Parenthood spokeswoman Adora Slaughter expressed consternation that “this whole Gosnell thing and now these undercover videos may muddle our thinking on this critical issue. Let's not forget that the whole point of an abortion is to prevent a woman from giving birth to a child she does not want. That objective isn't changed if the procedure doesn't go as planned. Those who believe that just because a baby somehow escapes being terminated he should then be helped would inflict the burdens of rearing this child on an unwilling victim.”

Slaughter rejected contentions that abortionists are serial killers insisting instead that “they are trained professionals providing a highly desired service that is completely legal. The analogy that they are 'hired hitmen' is entirely inappropriate. Hitmen commit illegal killings for pay. That's the crucial difference.”

Obamacare “Train Wreck” GOP's Fault, Reid Says

Indications that President Obama's Affordable Care Act (Obamacare), his signature legislative accomplishment, is turning into a fiasco of major proportions has Democrats uneasy.

A man instrumental in its enactment, Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus (D-Mont), labeled it a “train wreck. The implementation is a total shambles. It's as if Secretary Sebelius has no idea of what she's doing. She's been quick to ensure that everyone is entitled to abortion coverage, but how the average person is supposed to cope with unforeseen medical contingencies is up in the air. On top of this, employers across the nation are cutting employees hours in order to evade their responsibility to pay for health insurance.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) laid the blame squarely on the GOP. “We did our part to create this new entitlement, it's the Republicans' turn to step up and vote for the funding needed to finance it,” Reid said.

That funding is needed contradicts the original script of the Democrats' case for the legislation. It was supposed to be self-financing. It was supposed to save money. Neither of which now seems to be true. In fact, projections now show that the cost of health insurance is set to increase by 25% to 50% under the law.

While the rising costs of Obamacare is now the consensus view, the contention that it will improve health care also received some disconcerting contrary news. A study of the federal Medicaid program in Oregon revealed that while spending rose by 35% for eligible recipients, health outcomes did not improve. In the 18-month period studied, participants fared no better than non-participants.

Based on this study's results, Avik Roy, Senior Fellow at the Manhattan Institute called it “unethical to take money from taxpayers to fund a program that doesn't improve health outcomes.”

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius disagreed. “Health outcomes aren't the only metric with which we are concerned,” Sebelius asserted. “Taking money from those who have more than they need and spending it on those who have less is, in itself, a worthy goal. Just because a person is poor is no good reason for him to be denied the opportunity to have money spent on his behalf regardless of whether it does any good.”

AG Declares Kansas Gun Law “Null and Void”

In a bid to protect the state's right to determine the laws that apply within its borders, the Kansas legislature enacted a law barring any federal intervention against Second Amendment rights in their state. Under the Kansas law, guns manufactured and sold within the state to residents who keep the guns within the state are immune to federal interference.

Not so says US Attorney General Eric Holder. “This state's naked attempt to assert so-called Tenth Amendment prerogatives has no standing,” Holder insisted. “The notion that powers not expressly delegated to the federal government by the Constitution are somehow reserved to the states has been defunct since the Roosevelt Administration.”

Despite what Governor Brownback and his legislature may think, federal laws and regulations override any and all state actions,” Holder continued. “Just because the manufacture, sale, and ownership of a gun may occur totally within the boundaries of a state is a meaningless distinction.”

Harvard Constitutional scholar, Professor Chester Cringely, came down strongly on Holder's side on the issue. “While the plain language of the Constitution seems to say that powers not explicitly granted to the federal government are reserved to the states this is not how the Court has read the document,” Cringely observed. “If federal regulations can penalize a farmer for growing and consuming his crop on his own land, as the Court decided they could in Wickard v. Filburn, they certainly can penalize those involved in firearms transactions and use even if all parties and all actions take place solely within one state. As the law stands now, states can only do what the federal government allows them to do. Governors who defy the Feds do so at their own risk.”

Global Warming Will Force More Women into Prostitution

Representative Barbara Lee (D-Calif) warns that global warming will lead to an increase in sex-for-pay. As Lees sees it, higher temperatures will force women to wear skimpier clothing in an effort to endure the heat. More scantily clad women will induce more men to approach them with indecent propositions. The persistence of horny men and the lure of easy cash will be irresistible.

Lee admitted that she wasn't sure what could be done to avert this calamity, but thought that “we ought to be looking at possible options. Do we enforce a stricter dress code like some religions do? Do we make it illegal for men to approach women who are strangers to them? Do we invest in giant cooling fans for areas with heavy pedestrian traffic? I don't know. What I do know is that we can't sit by and do nothing.”

Former President Bill Clinton urged that “we not go off half-cocked. The implications of warmer temperatures aren't all bad. There are real material savings to be had if we could all dress more lightly. I don't know if there is anything we can really do to significantly affect global climate. Maybe we should just try to acclimate ourselves to a warmer Earth. Perhaps we could decriminalize prostitution. Is there any good reason why paying for sexual services should be illegal anyway? It's a voluntary transaction, a so-called crime, but one without a real victim.”

Congressional Inquiry into Benghazi Called a “Waste of Time”

Press Secretary Jay Carney called Congressional intentions to probe into the attack on the Benghazi Consulate a “waste of time. Whatever happened was so long ago that I doubt if anyone can clearly remember it.”

House Oversight and Foreign Affairs Committee leaders complaints that the administration is impeding their investigation were rebuffed by Secretary of State John Kerry. “I am not familiar with this notion that anybody’s been blocked from testifying,” Kerry offered. He did, however acknowledge that certain employees “may have been advised of the risks. Even if you tell the truth your reputation can still be trashed. Look what happened to Linda Tripp. Then there's always the possibility that you could be financially ruined by legal expenses stemming from what you say. Even a successful defense can drain your bank account.”

Attorney Victoria Toensing represents a whistle-blower who's testimony she says has been blocked by the Obama Administration. “Their contention is that knowledge of what occurred during the attack is a 'state secret' that I'm not cleared to hear,” Toensing complained.

All governments have secrets that must be protected from prying eyes,” Kerry explained. “The American people have elected a President and he has installed officials who are entrusted with determining what information will be revealed and what will be withheld from public knowledge. Everyone needs to simmer down and let us do this job.”

If people are determined to point the finger at anyone it should probably be at Woods and Smith,” Kerry suggested. “I wasn't here at the time, but as I have been briefed, Administration officials were working behind the scenes trying to arrange a peaceful prisoner exchange when these two guys started shooting. If they hadn't butted in we could've swapped Omar Abdel Rahman for Ambassador Stephens and no one would've died.”

California Dems Move Bill to Allow Non-citizens to Serve on Juries

The California Assembly voted out a bill that would allow resident aliens to serve on juries. “Why not?” asked sponsor Assemblyman Bob Wieckowski (D-Fremont). “We already allow them the privilege of voting. Why shouldn't they have to bear the drudgery of jury duty?”

Critics who think the move is unConstitutional were disabused by US Attorney General Eric Holder who pointed out that “the manner of elections is a state prerogative unless the federal government chooses to intervene. I see no reason for intervention in this instance. Aliens are subject to the same laws as citizens. Playing a role in the adjudication of cases under these laws strikes me as supremely equitable.”


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