John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: September 22, 2019 Edition

Candidate Comes Out Against Meat and Autos

In a bid to outflank his Democratic presidential rivals, entrepreneur Andrew Yang vowed to "severely curtail the consumption of meat" and "do away with privately owned and operated automobiles."

Yang contrasted "my honesty with the deceptive presentations of the other Democrats running for president. Their implication that all it will take to battle climate doom is to tax the rich and tout this as the height of virtue won't cut it. There isn't enough money in the hands of rich people to pay for the kind of gut-wrenching changes in behavior that are required. Ninety-nine percent of the population is not rich. These are the people who will have to make the necessary sacrifices if we hope to save the planet."

The candidate's "two-pronged approach would entail measures like higher taxes and strict regulations to price meat out of the budget for ordinary consumers and outlawing private citizens from owning automobiles. The 'impossible burger' invented by Burger King shows how those who crave the taste of meat can be satisfied with veggie patties. The emergence of driver-less vehicles shows how an 'Uber-type' fleet could serve all needs for individualized travel."

Yang tried to reassure everyone that "important travel by important persons like government officers would, of course, be accommodated by having automobiles set aside for their exclusive use. Likewise, meat, while prohibitively expensive for most, would still be available for crucial occasions like state dinners with foreign dignitaries."

GOP Candidate Seeks Votes of Fellow Pessimists

Former Rep. Joe Walsh (R-Ill) says he wants to give voters who, like himself, have given up on America a choice in the 2020 election. "The Republican Party has become unrecognizable to me since Donald Trump has become president," Walsh complained. "He has turned the venerable party of convivial losers into bare-knuckle brawlers vying for control of the government against our estimable friends on the other side."

Walsh says he is "particularly disturbed by the interruption of the transformation set in motion by former President Obama. Trump has unleashed an uncomfortable acceleration in economic growth that threatens to scramble social classes. Minorities that have been successfully controlled by economy-stagnating federal policies and sedating welfare benefits are being lured into degrading wage-slavery and the uppity attitudes that inevitably follow from self-sufficiency. I'm running to offer Republican voters a chance to veto this dangerous u-turn from the comfortable trajectory we were on a scant three years ago."

Presidential Candidate Drops Out

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has dropped out of the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, blaming "the ingratitude of Democratic voters for the unique perspectives I've brought to the campaign."

Among the "unique" perspectives cited by the Mayor were "the overlooked progress I've made in converting New York into a model society. I've championed efforts to unlink compensation from work or achievement. My programs have gone a long way toward enhancing the habitat for urban vermin and allowed their populations to increase. San Francisco and Los Angeles have been garnering most of the headlines and few Democrats are aware of the leadership I've demonstrated in this area."

De Blasio also blamed President Trump for "unfairly ignoring New York and hyping the west coast cities. Our taxes are at least as high. Our rats are among the biggest in the country. Mentally deranged humans roam freely throughout the streets. We have driven more capitalist exploiters out of the state than any other city in America. It is shameful that as a native New Yorker himself Trump has chosen to boost the accomplishments of California to our detriment."

As if to rub it in, this week the Trump Administration filed a "Notice of Environment Violation" against San Francisco citing the runoff from human feces and used syringes deposited on the streets by the homeless. San Francisco Mayor London Breed called the move "an intrusion on our sovereign right to govern this city as we see fit. If voters become displeased with what we're doing they can elect someone else." The Trump Administration also rebuffed a Los Angeles appeal for federal aid to assist its homeless program, arguing that "it would be unfair to tax the whole nation for the expense of cleaning up a mess caused by poor local policies. Excreting bodily waste onto the streets is illegal. Taking dangerous drugs is illegal. Harassing passersby demanding handouts is illegal. If the City were to make a genuine effort to enforce the law and still needs federal assistance then we could talk."

Buttigieg Tries to Appear More "Moderate"

Angling to position himself as a "moderate" in hopes of garnering the votes of Democrats alarmed by the continuing incoherence of doddering "moderate" former Vice-President Joe Biden, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg took a swipe at rival candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren's "extremely evasive" stance on her Medicare for all health plan.

"Did you see her on the Colbert show?" the Mayor asked. "When a loyal progressive like Colbert is left mystified by how she plans to pay for this extravaganza everyone should be concerned. It's looking more like her 'plan for that' meme is to promise the undeliverable and obscure the massive costs by simply ignoring them. At least Sen. Sanders admits that his virtually identical plan requires middle-class tax hikes."

In a similar vein, Buttigieg sought to differentiate himself from LBTG extremists by alleging his "disgust with the flagrantly outrageous flaunting of stereotypical 'gay' lifestyles, garish costumes, and clownish antics. It smears us normal gays who want a more traditional life of marriage and children by implying that all gays are self-destructive social misfits."

In related news, Buttigieg worried that "the most tragic outcome stemming from the discovery of more than 2,000 bodies of aborted babies found in the home of Dr. Ulrich Klopfer after his recent death would be for women to alter their decision to abort an unwanted child. In the big scheme of things, the idiosyncratic hoarding of fetal remains by Klopfer is a minor concern when juxtaposed to the tremendous health benefits of the procedure."

Sanders Supports Asylum for Climate Refugees

Democratic presidential contender Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders says he is "positively disposed to accepting climate change refugees into this country. Many rich people have multiple residences in different parts of the United States or the world where they can go when the weather is bad. Poor people deserve this same option."

Sanders suggested that "we create a line item in the federal budget to fund the transportation and lodging costs of anyone who wants to come to America because of the climate in their country of origin. It's not fair that these people should be forced to endure uncomfortable living conditions just because they were unlucky enough to be born in a foreign land where air conditioning is unavailable or unaffordable. It is their human right to live where they please. It is our obligation to enforce this universal human right."

To put your money where his mouth is, the Senator unveiled his $2.5 trillion "Housing for All" plan. "Responsible societies don't let anyone suffer from lack of adequate housing," he contended. "Governments have a solemn obligation to provide this necessity for everyone who can't afford it."

The enormous cost of his plan is due to Sanders' insistence that "we need to go beyond the stark kinds of public housing we've been offering and give the poor the kinds of amenities that the middle class has—a nice house in a good neighborhood with good public schools and a low crime rate." The prognosis for this plan is not favorable. Middle class neighborhoods are "good" because the inhabitants have to work hard to make them that way. With their own money on the line houses tend to be more well-maintained than the heavily subsidized housing government provides for persons unable or unwilling to work to sustain their cost of living. The absence of this incentive in the Sanders plan works against its intended beneficence.

Clinton Accuses Trump of Election Violation

Former Secretary of State and loser to Trump in the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton called reports that President Trump had spoken with a Ukrainian leader "collusion with a foreign power to help him win an election." Her charge was sparked by an unconfirmed report that Trump has suggested that Ukraine "take a look at a boast by then Vice-President Joe Biden that his threat to cancel US aid to Ukraine persuaded that government to drop an investigation into a questionable business deal between Biden's son and a Ukrainian company.

While it is plausible to posit that evidence of corruption involving Biden could help Trump in a future election in which the two were opposing candidates, it is also plausible to posit that potentially corrupt deals aided by overt extortion might be worthy of a more thorough examination. Nevertheless, an irate and vengeful Clinton demanded that Trump's phone call be added to "the list of impeachable offenses being amassed by the House of Representatives."

Clinton contrasted "Trump's abuse of presidential authority" with her 2016 "campaign's honest purchase of damaging intelligence" compiled by former British spy Christopher Steele. "We used contributions freely given by private individuals who supported my election. There was no misuse of government authority to try to sway an election. And even if there were, I didn't win so I can't be impeached. Besides, there is also the issue of double jeopardy. Since my husband was impeached and acquitted, under the law of community property if I ever become president I would be immune to impeachment."

Trump Cash to Be Added to Impeachment Inquiry

A photo of President Trump boarding Air Force One with a wad of twenty-dollars bills in his back pocket has spurred new charges of impropriety on his part. House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) wondered "why would a president need to carry cash around? The standard practice for previous presidents was to order some nearby underling to pay for whatever he needs. Trump's deviation raises serious questions about his fitness for the job."

For his part, Trump claims that "the cash is for tips. When a working person does me a service I like to tip him. That's what I've always done. I can't imagine why a president should expect someone else to pay the tip or to not give one. Tips make up a significant part of the income for many jobs. I don't think it's right to stiff these people."

Nadler wasn't swayed by the President's explanation, saying that "I could see carrying some singles or loose change if tipping were the real purpose. A twenty is too much. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that Trump is attempting to buy the votes of these working people by feigning generosity with his own money. It's the Democratic Party that champions the working man. Trump seems to be trespassing where he doesn't belong."

The Congressman also called the startling increases in employment achieved since Trump became president "suspicious. I think we can see a pattern here insidiously designed to overturn norms that have prevailed since the 1930s. This blatant attempt to alienate the affection of working people for the Democratic Party has ominous implications for the future of this country. We have an obligation to thoroughly investigate that to see if there is a political motivation behind it."

In related news, an alternative to impeachment was envisioned by comedian Shane Gillis. Fresh off his ouster as a cast member of Saturday Night Live for the upcoming season, he told an audience foolish enough to pay good money to see his act that "of all the presidents I've been alive for, Trump would definitely be the funniest one to see get shot. He'd definitely make a funny noise when he got hit." Gillis lamented that "I wasn't alive when Reagan was shot, but I probably would've thought that was pretty funny too."

Obama Mocks Trump's TV Watching

Former President, and current Netflix TV show producer, Barack Obama mocked President Trump's TV viewing habit, calling it "unpresidential and unnecessary. Presidents have a multitude of aides and advisers whose jobs are to keep him informed about all the important things going on. Trying to go it alone is wasted effort. He should just sit back and enjoy the perks. The government can pretty much run on its own without the president having to lift a finger."

Obama also admitted that "I don't watch TV. Most of it is crap. The so-called news shows are as phony as WWF wrestling. You know, everybody's got their role to play. Only idiots would rely on TV to tell them what's going on in the world. Apparently and sadly, Trump seems to be one of them."

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