IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Government

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 22, 2019 Edition

Va AG Says 2nd Amendment Sanctuaries Illegal

In a bid to intimidate the 100+ local governments that have declared their jurisdictions sanctuaries for the Second Amendment right to bear arms, Virginia Attorney General Mark Herring issued an advisory opinion declaring these declarations "have no legal effect. Local officials cannot nullify state laws. They must follow the gun laws passed by the General Assembly."

Herring sought to distinguish "this unwarranted usurpation of higher authority" from "the entirely legitimate grants of sanctuary to illegal immigrants by local governments across the nation. The choice of where one prefers to live is a fundamental human right that supersedes any laws impeding this right. In contrast, the desire to own firearms is not a broadly recognized human right. Most nations around the world strictly limit who is allowed to own these weapons. The aberration created in the United States by the Second Amendment to the Constitution must not be used to interfere with government efforts to protect inhabitants from the dangers posed by their armed neighbors."

"I urge citizens not to rely on local government to protect them from the State's enforcement of its authority to control who is permitted to own guns," Herring warned. "Anyone who does not peacefully acquiesce to a State requirement to surrender his firearm will be shot."

Hunter Biden an "Exemplar of Democrat Economics"

MSNBC's Joe Scarborough called the revelation of "the former Vice-President's ability to assist his son Hunter to rise from missteps that could have meant poverty for most people with a similar history, "a political godsend. I think it gives Joe a credible alternative to Trump's policy of unfocused economic growth spawned by deregulation and tax cuts."

"Trump's approach only helps those who have initiative, skills, and a willingness to work," Scarborough pointed out. "In contrast, the former Vice-President showed a path for aiding those without skills, initiative, or the energy to work hard to receive millions of dollars from compliant foreign governments. I'm confident that once voters compare their options Democrats will come home to the Party that offers a helping hand up the ladder to wealth and prosperity rather than the opportunity offered by Republicans to try to reach the same goal over a lifetime of work, savings, and investment."

Dems May Pursue Innovative Impeachment Finale

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) is said to be contemplating a different procedure for concluding the process of removing President Trump from office now that House Democrats have voted to impeach him. The crux of this different procedure will be to bypass the Senate and ask the American people to convict him.

In internal discussions with her caucus, Pelosi has argued "we can't trust the Senate to complete the process. McConnell has already expressed disdain for what we've done in the House. The broad consensus of the witnesses who testified that in their opinion Trump had abused his power and the clear evidence of obstruction of Congress demonstrated by refusal of the White House to meet our demands has failed to gain traction with the Republicans who control the Senate."

"Rather than allow the Senators to acquit Trump it is a better strategy to take our case directly to the voters," Pelosi continued. "Between now and next November the word 'impeached' will be relentlessly attached to Trump. The media will assist in communicating this message until the perception that Trump is a criminal who doesn't deserve to be reelected convinces a majority to vote him out of office."

Whether the Democratic caucus will accept the strategy laid out by the Speaker is uncertain. Rep. Rashida Tlaib (Mich) characterized Pelosi's position as "a betrayal. We've already impeached the mother f***er. Why hasn't he been arrested by the FBI?" Rep. Ilhan Omar (Minn) observed that "where I was born, leaders who are out of favor are taken out and shot. Why should a man who was impeached by a majority of the people's representatives be allowed to defy this resounding vote of no confidence?"

In related news, Reps. Hank Johnson Jr. (D-GA), Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX), Rashida Tlaib (D-MI), William Lacy Clay (D-MO), Jared Huffman (D-CA), and Jan Schakowsky (D-IL) sent a letter to Attorney General William Barr demanding that he and and United States Attorney John Durham "resign for aiding and abetting President Trump's obstruction of Congress. While the House has been diligently working to impeach and remove the President, both of you have been taking actions aimed at undermining our efforts. By investigating the patriotic actions of the FBI to prevent this unfit person from becoming president and then trying to entrap him after he eluded their pre-election efforts you have taken sides with tyranny and against democracy."

Steyer Vows to "Declare a State of Emergency"

Democratic presidential contender billionaire Tom Steyer promised to "declare a state of emergency on day one of my presidency in order to take the drastic steps necessary to prevent climate catastrophe. For too long we have been paralyzed by fear to act. Both Congress and the President have been unable to agree on what steps to take. Some point to the economic destruction that would result from outlawing fossil fuels. Others object to the suppression of individual freedoms we've become accustomed to. I will enforce the sacrifices needed to save the planet."

Among the list of "drastic actions" being contemplated are "the mandatory evacuation of persons living in threatened areas, the elimination of all fossil-fueled activities, and the conscription of laborers to perform the work that outlawed machines have been doing for the last century."

"Waiting until there is enough voter support behind the needed changes is unfeasible," Steyer contends. "A visionary leader is required. I am that leader. I am asking voters to give me a mandate to rule by decree until the crisis has passed. Given how far gone the environment is now, it will likely require decades of martial law to rectify the damage done and enforce the new behaviors needed for the planet to heal."

The more moderate Joe Biden called for policies that would lead to the unemployment of millions in the energy sector, but insisted that "the displaced workers would be shifted over to government jobs promoting regulations that would reduce climate change. Up until the Trump Administration the trend was for the public sector to expand to offset the jobs lost in the private sector. Not only were those jobs cleaner and less exhausting than the private sector jobs, they were also higher-paying. The next Democratic administration will restore that pre-Trump trend."

Wakanda No Longer a US Trade Partner

This week, the Department of Agriculture removed the Kingdom of Wakanda from its list of trade partners. Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) denounced the removal, calling it "racist. Trump and his cronies are undermining the positive steps that President Obama took to bring that amazingly advanced but reclusive African nation into the sphere of global economic activity."

"I find it especially offensive that while Trump has been willing to confine his actions against our global enemy China to the imposition of tariffs, he has ordered his henchmen to totally disqualify a prosperous nation led by Blacks from any commerce with us," Waters complained. "It's a good thing that Speaker Pelosi has held back the impeachment articles because when we come back in January I will make a motion to include this egregious example of racial discrimination as a third article of our impeachment referral."

Meanwhile, despite the lack of trade with Wakanda, the US economy has reached a level of prosperity not seen since 2001. Across the political spectrum, 91% of Republicans and 62% of independents judged the current economy as "good," while only 47% of Democrats had a similar opinion—results that Waters characterized as "racist. The Trump economy is only good for people who want jobs. The Administration has been implementing policies to force able-bodied welfare recipients who would rather not work to take jobs. This is the worst kind of racism we have seen from government in decades."

Warren Decries Trump's Cruelty Toward Kittens

While there is no evidence that President Trump has ever harmed a kitten, Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) alleges that "Donald Trump would step on a cute little kitten to get what he wants. I have never done that. I would never do that. That's why I'd be a better president than him."

Warren bolstered her contention by citing "how cruelly Trump has treated the affable, but doddering former Vice-President Joe Biden. Joe may not always know where he is or that extorting a foreign government to help out his son is wrong, but he doesn't deserve to be mocked as Trump has mocked him. Calling attention to a political opponent's deficiencies is unfair. If he is willing to do that to Joe, I think he'd be willing to kick a cat that was in his way."

In related news, Warren mocked presidential rival Mayor Pete Buttigieg at the 6th Democratic presidential debate for "hobnobbing with millionaires in a wine cave" at a fund-raising event in Napa Valley, California. The Mayor returned fire by accusing Warren of "issuing purity tests you cannot yourself pass" and reminding everyone that he was "the only Democrat in the debate who is not a millionaire."

Ginsburg Says Senators May Be Disqualified to Vote on Impeachment

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says that US Senators who are not impartial can be disqualified from participating in a vote to convict or acquit President Trump in an impeachment trial.

"A number of Republican senators have already expressed opinions about the House articles of impeachment," Ginsburg said. "Allegations asserting that 'abuse of power' or 'obstruction of congress' are not impeachable crimes shows bias that should lead to ejection from the jury that will decide on the verdict. This stands in stark contrast to the 230 votes in the House affirming that these acts are crimes and the overwhelming testimony of witnesses in whose opinion the President did commit crimes. I would expect Chief Justice Roberts who is the one who will preside over the trial to exclude any senators who have publicly rejected this evidence from being allowed to vote on whether to convict the President for these crimes."

Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) said he concurred with Ginsburg's view. "I say, let's give him a fair trial and hang him. That's the only way we'll avoid the kind of kangaroo court farce that the Republicans would give us."

Rep. Jackie Speier (D-Calif) called on Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell "to recuse himself. In fact, any prospective juror who has an affiliation with the accused should be barred from being on the jury. I think, that would require every Republican—members of the same political Party as the President—to be prohibited from participating in the trial."

AOC Says Choice in Health Care "Unwanted"

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) dismissed complaints that the "medicare for all" plan she supports would eliminate freedom to choose one's own doctor.

"The so-called freedom the Republicans are trying to force on everyone is actually an unwanted burden for most people," she contended. "Few people know enough to choose wisely. Eliminating the need to choose as the universal medicare for all that Sen Sanders proposes and I support delivers a much more valuable freedom from responsibility. Letting government experts determine who should receive what treatment and from which doctor will lead to better results than relying on ignorant and hapless individuals to make such decisions."

The Congresswoman argued that "the maternalistic model we are striving to implement will restore the kind of freedom that each person had as a child when parents decided when to take them to the doctor and paid for their treatment. In an ideal world, all of life's necessities would be provided by the government. No one would have to worry about paying for anything. Each person would do the jobs assigned to them by a government that knows how to best distribute the work required to meet the collective needs of society."

Schumer Calls Clinton & Trump Impeachments "Totally Different Situation"

"The case against President Clinton was completely unwarranted," claimed Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY). "The sexual harassment he engaged in and the perjury he committed to try to cover it up did not pose the same level of threat to our democracy as the election of Donald Trump did in 2016. As we have seen from the Horowitz report and testimony, many heroes of our intelligence agencies engaged in a desperate effort to prevent Trump's election. This by itself should tell everyone that Trump is worse."

"In 1994, after 40 years of Democrat supremacy, voters wrongly turned the House over to Republican control," Schumer explained. "Republicans abused this new control by objecting to the sort of sexual liaisons that many presidents had previously exploited. For example, no one begrudged JFK's escapades, not even his dalliance with a girl friend of a mobster. Yet, the GOP became unglued over Clinton's relationship with Monica Lewinsky even though his prior track record in Arkansas should have led people to expect this kind of harmless behavior. Granted, he shouldn't have lied about it, especially under oath, but he was only trying to avoid embarrassment. He wouldn't have had to lie if it weren't for the semen-stained dress. That he was impeached for that was shameful."

"There were GOP majorities in congress while George Bush was president," Schumer went on. "This prevented Democrats from taking revenge. Finally, in 2018 the stars properly aligned to give our Party the chance to get even. Democrats regained control in the House with a Republican president. Trump is no ordinary Republican. He has relentlessly pursued an agenda that if allowed to succeed could condemn Democrats to minority status for decades. Throwing Democrats into the minority is an abuse of presidential power. No other Republican president has ever attempted this. Resisting House efforts to impeach and remove him is obstruction of congress. For these high crimes it is of the utmost importance that Trump be convicted and ousted from office. We will not stop until this outcome is achieved."

thelibertyadvisor.com/declare