IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 15, 2023 Edition

Biden Mishandles Classified Documents

The Democrats' quest to demonize former President Donald Trump for having classified documents at his Mar-a-Lago residence in Florida was dealt a serious setback when it was disclosed this week that President Biden had stashes of classified documents--some of them marked "Top Secret"--in separate locations.

One of the locations was the Penn Biden Center for Diplomacy and Global Engagement in Washington, DC. This "think tank" was funded by a grant of $54 million from donors linked to the Chinese Communist Party.

A second location was in a garage where he keeps his Corvette at his home in Wilmington, Delaware. Biden rejected suggestions that a garage might not be a very secure site, saying "my Corvette's in a locked garage so it's not like it's sitting on the street." Notably, the surveillance cameras at the address were disconnected a few years back because an excessive number of false alarms sparked complaints from neighbors.

A third location now undergoing a search for classified documents is an office shared by Joe and Hunter Biden with CEFC China Energy. Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre expressed doubt that any classified documents would turn up "because the President was between his terms as vice-president and his later election as president. The partnership was solely focused on profit-making opportunities in oil and gas, not matters of national security." She rebuffed allegations that the President had falsely denied any knowledge of his son's business activities, saying "the President was just a figurehead whose name was being used to help open doors for his son--something any good father would do for a son."

Not everyone was buying these innocent explanations. Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga) claimed "the President's enemies are setting him up. Those MAGA terrorist dudes know where the President's home is. They probably waited until he was far away on his border inspection to sneak in and dump the classified stuff in his garage." This suspicion was also voiced on ABC's "The View" where Joy Behar, Whoopi Goldberg, and Sunny Hostin reasoned that "since the key beneficiary of this turn of events is Trump we have to believe his supporters may have engineered this seemingly fortuitous blemish on the President's sterling record of achievement."

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) called the differential treatment of Trump and Biden "further evidence of DOJ's blatant political bias. The DOJ was first aware of Biden's mishandled documents on November 2, 2022, yet declined to make this information public so as 'not to influence the elections' six days later. They had no such qualms about staging a well-publicized armed raid on Trump's Mar-a-Lago residence in August 2022. This blatant protection of Democrats and maligning of Republicans is an abuse of the law-enforcement powers entrusted to the DOJ."

Abortion Extremism

While Democrats have been boasting that their characterization of any limits on abortion as extremism was a successful ploy to win, their actions since the election have to make one wonder who are the most extreme on this issue. Over the past five years, attacks on churches and pro-life facilities, included 342 acts of vandalism, 58 arson attacks or attempts, 12 gun-related incidents, 11 bomb threats, and 19 others, including assault, threats, and interruption of religious services.

In a bid to discourage such attacks, the House of Representatives just passed a resolution condemning them. All but three Democrats voted against the resolution. Rep. Lizzie Fletcher (D-Tex) cited "separation of church and state" as a reason for her vote against the resolution. "The government shouldn't take sides in religious matters," she said. "Many people are disgusted by the religious right's opposition to abortion. Violence is a normal way to show disappointment."

Democrats had a similar reaction to a House Bill mandating that abortion survivors receive medical care rather than being left to die. All but one Democrat voted against it. Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) complained that "Republicans demand the freedom to choose whether or not to take the covid shot, but seek to deny a birthing person's right to a successfully complete termination of the life of an unwanted child. This is after the voters rejected their abortion extremism in the November elections. Yet, they refuse to condemn the continued terrorizing of reproductive care facilities by abortion extremists who silently pray on the sidewalk outside the termination centers."

Meanwhile, at the state level, Minnesota Democrats have introduced legislation to restore a birthing person's constitutional right to terminate an unwanted baby at any time for any reason at taxpayer expense. Rep. Carlie Kotyza-Witthuhn (DFL-Eden Prairie) says "I hope passage of the legislation will give our state a fighting chance to compete with California and New York for abortion tourism in the post-Roe v. Wade era."

Lightfoot Vows Never to Quit

Lashing out at the "haters who want me gone," Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot vowed "I won't quit until Chicago is the safest city in America." Her determination was sparked by contending candidate for mayor Paul Vallas' suggestion that "rising crime is a good reason to elect someone else to run the city."

Statistics show that major crime in Chicago increased by 41% in 2022. Lightfoot argues that "switching to an inexperienced leader will undo all the progress I've made since the last election. My performance is rated 'adequate' by all those who support my reelection."

She went on to blame the City's 102% rise in carjackings on "the insistence on owning and operating cars when more economical public transit is widely available." She called Vallas' promise to put more cops on the street "impractical. Experienced officers keep quitting. We're down 1500 since I took office four years ago and successfully implemented the defunding of the police that everyone wanted."

Lightfoot also rejected criticism of her campaign's plea for public school teachers to incentivize their students to work for her reelection by giving them better grades if they do. She insisted that "working on political campaigns is a civics lesson in how our democracy works." She blamed a staffer for "not making it clear that working on any campaign, even for my opponents, should be rewarded. I'm well aware that giving extra credit for only a specified candidate would be improper. I assure you that it was an innocent mistake with no nefarious intent."

An overlooked danger in any effort to have Chicago school teachers incentivize students is that there were more than 700 reported instances of teachers allegedly raping, sexually assaulting, or grooming students during the 2021-2022 school year. The Chicago Public Schools' Office of the Inspector General investigated 600 allegations and found more than half of them to be true. A spokesperson for the Mayor explained that "charges were filed in only 16 cases because it is too difficult to replace teachers who are jailed or dismissed. None of the other candidates for mayor comprehend the realities of trying to run a school system when gang violence is an ever present risk."

In a similar vein, Sam Bankman-Fried, CEO of the recently bankrupted FTX cryptocurrency hedge fund, denied stealing anyone's life savings, saying "they all voluntarily gave their money to me. I can't be held responsible for their bad judgment."

Mexican President Thanks Biden

At a meeting of the heads of Canada, the United States, and Mexico in Mexico City this week, Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador expressed his gratitude to President Biden for keeping his promise to discontinue the border wall construction started by his predecessor.

"An estimated 40 million Mexicans now live north of where the border used to be," Obrador said. "In a few more decades Mexicans will constitute a majority of the citizens living in the territories violently stolen from us by their President Polk in 1848. They will vote to be peacefully reunited with their ancestral home. The people of Mexico are very grateful for the role President Biden is playing in making this happen."

The amiable, but addled Biden gleefully soaked up this praise, saying "we're trying the best we can to make it easier for people to get here – opening up the capacity to get here, offering financial inducements like free health care, free schooling, free housing, and free walking around money. America is a nation of immigrants. So it stands to reason that the more immigrants we have, the more American we become."

Biden went on to "hail the aid and comfort these newcomers from the south are enjoying in New York City. Through the generosity of our taxpayers they are living in $500 a night hotels, getting drunk, and having sex everyday. We hope these reparations for our invasion of Mexico in 1846 will earn us forgiveness from the descendants of the Mexicans we killed and robbed so long ago."

Not every American is as enthusiastic as their President about spending taxes to debauch these illegal border crossers. Rep. Pat Fallon (R-Texas) has filed impeachment articles against Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas on the grounds that "his failure to secure our southern border threatens the safety and security of the American people. Among the hordes of impoverished Mexicans flowing into our country are dangerous drugs, armed criminals, and foreign terrorists. The enormity of his dereliction of duty shows he is unfit to hold the office of Secretary of Homeland Security."

Mayorkas mocked the idea of his impeachment, calling it "an exercise in futility. Suppose the House votes to impeach me. There's no real chance that the Senate will convict. Even if in a bizarre twist of fate I were convicted, President Biden would simply nominate someone else to carry out the policies he was elected by the voters to implement. The GOP might as well save themselves the trouble and effort. They should just relax and accept the fact that they're going to get screwed regardless of what they do. The borders will remain open as long as Democrats control the executive branch."

Schwab Predicts Hive-life for Humanity's Future

Klaus Schwab, founder and current Executive Chairman of the World Economic Forum, predicts that "in ten years everyone will have a brain implant that will allow the government to control their every thought and action. Anxiety and suffering will be abolished. No one will lose sleep over how they will live or die because the decisions will be made for them by others and will be carried out without the necessity of obtaining their voluntary consent."

Schwab acknowledged that "obviously, this will end the notion that people ought to be allowed freedom. Freedom is too precious to be wasted on common people. Consider the society known as 'the Borg' in the Star Trek movies and television shows. An existence as an emotionless drone perfectly suits the abilities of the average person. By merging all consciousness into one collective hive the potential for progress will be magnified by many more orders of magnitude than it is in an environment of autonomous individual personalities. It will be the culmination of US President Biden's dream of unity, but on a grander scale than he can imagine."

Net Zero Will End Modern Civilization

Dr. Wallace Manheimer, a man with a physics PhD from MIT and 50-years of experience in nuclear research, warns that "there is certainly no scientific basis for expecting a climate crisis from too much carbon dioxide in the atmosphere in the next century or so. Electric cars, wind and solar power–all have massive disadvantages, and are incapable of replacing existing systems without devastating consequences."

The United Kingdom's nincompoop King Charles, a man who once aspired to be a tampon, lives in several palaces and jets around the world calling for the end of consumerism and convenience as "the only rational way of combating climate change." Of course, the suffering must be endured commoners so the important people like himself "can have adequate resources with which to guide an impoverished population to respect their betters. Just like it was when King Henry VIII ruled."

Manheimer denounced "the partnership among self-interested businesses, grandstanding politicians and alarmist campaigners is an unholy alliance. This climate industrial complex is not interested in how we might overcome climate change in a way that will be best for everyone. Their aim is to make a profit for themselves by selling expensive devices that are incapable of solving any problem other than transferring tax dollars into their own pockets."

Schumer Warns House Not to Investigate Bidens

With the House of Representatives poised to conduct investigations of crimes and abuses committed by the Biden family businesses, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) kindly advised them not to. "The issue of whether it is worthwhile to go down this path was adjudicated by voters in last year's elections. If voters had wanted such investigations they wouldn't have elected so many Democrats."

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) pointed out that "more Republicans than Democrats were elected to the House. Four million more votes were cast for Republicans than for Democrats. On top of this, a recent poll conducted by CBS found that a majority of independent voters want Congress to investigate the Bidens."

Schumer dismissed McCarty's argument, calling it "a drive down a dead-end road. First of all, the media won't hype their investigations like they did the January 6 probe Democrats conducted over the last year. Second, who will prosecute any crimes the House uncovers? The DOJ is controlled by Biden. He could fire Attorney General Garland if he were to agree to press charges against the President or his son. Impeaching the President will not result in his conviction in the Senate where Democrats have the votes to acquit him. The failure to get results will be yet another demonstration of the Republicans' fruitless waste of time and will further alienate voters. My advice is to be like Mitch. Cooperate and get a slice of the pie for yourself. You'll be richer and happier if you do."

Republican Rejects Demand that He Castrate Himself

In an appearance on ABC's "This Week" with former Clinton gofer George Stephanopoulos, Rep. Scott Perry (R-Penn) rejected the suggestion that he ought to recuse himself from any investigations of Democrat wrongdoings because he is himself under investigation by the DOJ.

Perry asserted that "only a fool would fall for such a ploy. Doing so would invite a corrupt DOJ to put every Republican under investigation as the simplest way for culpable Democrats to escape consequences for their crimes and abuse of power."

"But you can't win a confrontation with the DOJ," Stephanopoulos argued. "Armed FBI agents can come to your home in the wee hours, roust you out of bed, and take you to jail in your underwear--all while we in the media broadcast your humiliation to the world. Wouldn't it be easier to voluntarily cease hostilities than be abused by the overwhelming force the federal government can bring to bear on anyone who resists its power?"

Meanwhile, in a separate act of resistance to unlimited federal power, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla) announced that "the Republican majority House will release the 14,000 hours of January 6 tapes that the previous Democrat majority had hoped to hide from the American public. From what I have already seen in the tapes, the version of events on January 6, 2021 is significantly different than the Democrats and media would have the voters believe happened on that day."

Former Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL) characterized the House GOP majority's plan to investigate the government as "akin to to the McCarthyism of the 1950s. Anyone who questions the integrity of the government is a traitor to the state and an enemy of democracy. It is to deal with these kind of enemies that the government must weaponize law enforcement."

Current Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) said "the House investigating the government is like letting Al Capone investigate Elliot Ness. I think the FBI would be fully justified to come out with their guns blazing against these MAGA extremists threatening the rightful Democrat rulers of America."