John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Government

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 31, 2025 Edition

Deranged Gunman Slaughters Praying Children

This week, a person who was "tired of being trans" opened fire on praying students at the Annunciation Catholic School in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Two children were killed and 17 others were wounded. The killer's manifesto complained "gender and weed f**ked up my head. I wish I never tried experimenting with either. Don't let your kids smoke weed or change gender until they are like seventeen."

The heinous crime sparked outrage among many public officials. Mayor Jacob Frey (D) warned "the most important thing is that we not blame the 'trans community' for this tragedy." He insisted that "anti-trans hate is what drove this young woman to lash out at the perceived instigators of such hate."

Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn) called for more gun control, saying "madmen should never be allowed to own firearms. This includes Second Amendment fanatics who insist that the right to bear arms is an essential barrier to government tyranny. A nationwide ban on the private ownership of guns is the only sure way to eliminate the type of unauthorized massacres that target innocent and vulnerable targets like school children and churchgoers." Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) echoed Klobuchar's call for a nationwide ban.

CNN's Jake Tapper chided Klobuchar for "disrespecting the shooter's preferred pronouns. The shooter identified as female. Robert Westman went to the trouble of legally changing his name to Robin Westman. To refer to her as a madman is the type of slight that that only serves to fuel more hatred. Until trans folks receive the universal respect they deserve these kinds of tragedies will continue to occur."

Gov. Tim Walz (D) who had previously signed legislation making Minnesota a sanctuary state for transgenders, lamented the failure of other states to follow suit. "If every state were a sanctuary state the kind of tragedy that happened here could've just as easily happened elsewhere," Walz argued. "We have been victimized for taking a strong stand of compassion toward individuals born in the wrong body. That is unfair."

Ironically, two years ago representatives of the Minnesota Catholic Conference referenced the mass murder of students and teachers at the Covenant School in Nashville, Tennessee and begged Walz to support legislation to fund security for Catholic schools in Minnesota. Privately, Walz conceded the need for security, but failed to follow through with any action.

In related news, the Temecula Valley Unified School District in California now requires female students who feel uncomfortable sharing bathrooms and locker rooms with biological males to file a mental health accommodation request. California Attorney General Rob Bonta (D) explained that "refusal to accept another person's decision to identify as transgender deviates from this state's policy to grant transgenders the same rights as cis-gendered individuals. As such, it is considered a mental defect requiring special accommodation. Cis girls who object to disrobing in the presence of trans girls must have this mental defect documented in their school records to alert others from being victimized by their prejudicial opinions against trans individuals."

In further related news, boys at a grade school in Loudoun County in Virginia were recently suspended from school because they objected to a trans-male biological female student in their locker room using her phone to snap pictures and record videos. A Muslim student who made the same objection was not suspended because, according to the school, "he had a valid religious objection to being exposed to a naked female body--the Quran explicitly forbids this lest he be lured into improper sexual contact with that body."

RFK Quells Vax Mutiny

Secretary of Health & Human Services (HHS) Robert F Kennedy's decision to revise the Center for Disease Control (CDC) regulations for the covid vaccine so rankled CDC Director Susan Monarez and her staff that they publicly criticized his decision. Monarez contends that "the successful launch of the mRNA vaccines during the pandemic saved millions of lives. The Secretary's decision to take these vaccines off the list of inoculations that children must receive to enter schools is unwarranted."

Kennedy pointed out that "these vaccines bypassed the normal drug approval process. They were never properly tested for safety or effectiveness prior to being injected into billions of individuals worldwide. Subsequently, it has been shown that these vaccines neither prevented getting infected nor transmitting the disease to others. Youngsters were not benefited by these vaccines. On the contrary, significant harm was inflicted on many of those vaccinated. My decision to remove these drugs from the required vaccination list is fully warranted."

"Director Monarez and her staff's objections are not supported by science," Kennedy continued. "My decision to leave the choice of whether to get these shots to the patients and their doctors is a modest step toward reform. Adults who want to take these experimental drugs or have them injected into their children may do so, but no one will be coerced into taking them. Ms. Monarez's claim that my decision to fire her was politically motivated is without merit."

Dr. Sherri Tenpenny hailed Kennedy's decision, calling it "sensible and overdue. The rush to turn billions of individuals into unwitting guinea pigs for an inadequately tested experimental drug is indefensible. We need to look at DNA contamination, poor manufacturing standards, cardiovascular complaints, turbo-cancers, long-term disability and complications with the immune system that seem to be undesired side effects of these vaccines. The immunity from liability for any harm these vaccines might do that the pharmaceutical industry demanded and got from the government is a giant red flag that should have stopped the widespread distribution of these drugs. We can't undo the failures of the past, but we can stop repeating them."

Monarez countered that "both Kennedy and Tenpenny are vaccine skeptics who are undermining faith in the medical authorities that common folks should be listening to. The experts in pharmaceuticals know what they're doing. The doctors who dispense vaccines fully trust these products. The previous Secretary of HHS fully supported President Biden's effort to make the covid vaccines universally mandatory. Going against this consensus is dangerous heresy."

Crime Crackdown Success Rankles Dems

The success of President Trump's crackdown on DC crime is impressing the majority of Americans. Vice President JD Vance observed "this town averaged one murder every other day for the last 20-30 years, which means in two short weeks the president and his team have saved six or seven lives. People who would have been killed on the streets of DC are now living, breathing, and spending time with their families because the president had the willpower to say no more, we're not going to give the streets of DC over to vagrants and robbers and murderers."

A recent Harvard CAPS/Harris poll showed that 54% of Americans agree with Vance and think "the crackdown is necessary. Trump's deployment of National Guard units to Washington make the city more safe." The poll also showed that 56% believe "the average big city in the United States is unsafe."

Democratic strategist Insha Rahman, vice president of advocacy and partnerships at the Vera Institute of Justice, asserted that "public safety threats like carjackings don't matter to that many Americans. Statistically speaking, only a small minority of Americans are victims of robbery or murder. The vast majority never personally experience these events. That's why I think a campaign that reminds these voters that 'you haven't been robbed and no one you personally know has been murdered. So why vote for Republicans who will use scarce public funds to pay more police to protect the tiny minority that has been victimized.'"

In a similar vein, Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md) pointed out that "crime has always been a part of our history. I believe that putting too great an effort into reducing it will have unforeseen side effects. Think of all the movies and TV shows that rely on crimes to generate story lines. Think of all the jobs that depend on crime existing--police officers, corrections personnel, lawyers, judges, insurers, bodyguards, etc. Sure, in the short run there might be an upsurge as crackdowns arrest, convict and imprison more offenders, but in the long run the need for a lot of these jobs will dwindle down. The impact on our economy could be devastating."

Gov. JB Pritzker (D-Ill) called crime "a manufactured crisis. I visit Chicago with my security detail dozens of times each year. Not once have I been assaulted, shot at, or endangered in any way. I can't see how Trump sending National Guard troops there could make it any safer than it already is."

Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson (D) complained that "our city's murder rate is an import part of our life and image. This is who Chicago really is. We love one another. We support one another. We put our arms around one another. We kill each other. We are tough and resilient. Life expectancy may be shorter for some, but I doubt the majority of those who vote Democrat would trade what we have for the boring serenity Trump wants to force on us."

Meanwhile, hoping to claim the "sane lane" in the race for the Democrat Party's 2028 presidential nomination, Gov. Wes Moore (D-Md) said "I would absolutely welcome federal support to help us battle the high murder rate, crime, corruption, and chaos we have in Baltimore. By accepting federal troops and FBI agents to make our state safer without having to boost state taxes I will appear reasonable and thrifty compared to candidates like California Gov. Newsom and NY Rep. AOC in the 2028 primaries."

Millions Urge Leniency for Singh

Harjinder Singh, the illegal immigrant truck driver who made a left turn across a lane of traffic on the Florida Turnpike in order to use "an official vehicles only" cut through to traffic running in the opposite direction and caused a crash that killed a family of three, was the beneficiary of a petition signed by more than 2.5 million urging Florida officials to show leniency toward him.

One of the signers cited the case of Jaskirat Singh Sidhu, an Indian immigrant truck driver who sped through a stop sign at nearly 60 mph and slammed into a bus killing 16 of 29 junior hockey players in Saskatchewan, Canada in 2019, saying "he only had to spend four years in jail. Now he's back driving a truck. Harjinder shouldn't have to serve more than one year for his lesser offense."

Another signer admitted "I've made that very same traffic maneuver dozens of times. Luckily, I didn't kill anyone and never got caught. Harjinder shouldn't be treated too harshly just because he wasn't as lucky."

In related news, Gov. JB Pritzker (D-Ill) just signed a bill into law to allow immigrants to become driving instructors. "Maybe if we allow immigrants to instruct other immigrants we can avoid tragedies like the one involving Harjinder Singh who now faces a potential lengthy term in prison for his inability to understand traffic signs written in English."

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