After requiring new warning labels on cigarette packaging, the federal government is expanding the idea to other items, as follows:
- Ballots will come with a warning that the two main political parties use voting as a distraction so that the hoodlums can steal the chrome wheels from your car while you’re in the polling place.
- The U.S. dollar will come with a warning that it was created out of thin air in violation of the Constitution, that such fiat money is anything but a storehouse of value, and that only fools would keep their lifetime savings in such Monopoly money.
- Welfare payments will come with a warning that the payments create dependency, obesity, out-of-wedlock births, and children who are considerably more likely to commit crimes, have poor grades, drop out of school, and grow up to vote Democratic.
- Public school report cards will come with a warning that the grades are inflated, that unionized teachers are required to know progressive pedagogical nonsense but not anything about subject-matter, and that high school graduates will have to go to college for remedial education.
- Property tax bills will come with a warning that most of the money will go to public schools, where most of it will be wasted on greedy apparatchiks and unions.
- Bank deposit slips will come with a warning that the bank shouldn’t be trusted with your Monopoly money because it is part of an unconstitutional and corrupt banking cartel controlled by the Federal Reserve.
- Pay stubs will come with a warning that deductions for FICA taxes go to the Ponzi schemes of Social Security and Medicare.
- Paperwork from health insurance companies and medical providers will come with a warning that high prices and Byzantine rules are due to the government destroying a consumer market in medical care and insurance in 1942.
- Census forms will come with a warning that the racial classifications are complete nonsense and the result of certain racial and ethnic groups engaging in race mongering and the seeking of racial preferences.
- Equal Employment Opportunity posters in the employee break room will come with the same warning as above.
- College applications will come with a warning that 90% of professors are leftists who vote Democratic and love to turn the kids of the bourgeoisie into neo-Marxists who loathe capitalism, the traditional family and the nation’s founding principles.
- Speeches by members of Congress will come with a warning to hide your silverware and children while Congress is in session.
Unfortunately, because of the proliferation of warning labels over the decades, no one will read the new warnings and the nation will continue its rapid descent into insolvency and social upheaval.
“Mencken’s Ghost” is the nom de plume of an Arizona writer who can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.