U.S. — As the American people sat back helplessly and watched a once-close relationship fall apart, a judge issued a ruling that President Donald Trump would get the nation on weekdays, while Elon Musk would get it every other weekend and on holidays.

The tumultuous split of the previously happy billionaires grabbed headlines this week, culminating in both parties going to court to seek a fair custody agreement of the United States of America.

"We got a good deal, though I do believe the nation belongs with me," Trump told reporters after the judge's ruling was announced. "A president is like a father. I am the father of this country. The best one it has ever had, maybe ever. Except for George Washington. But he had a ponytail. You can't really trust a guy with a ponytail, from what I've been told. But Elon can still visit. For now. If he keeps this up, that might change. He should be careful, believe me."