IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Government

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 5, 2019 Edition

Dems Condemn Killing of Iranian Terrorists

Democratic presidential candidates hastened to condemn President Trump for authorizing the military strike that killed Iranian Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and Kataib Hezbollah leader Abu Mahdi al-Mohandes. Despite the fact that these men have been active in attacks that have killed hundreds of Americans and thousands of others in the Middle East region, Democrats who have spoken out on this issue were unanimous in blaming Trump for "destabilizing the region."

Sen. Amy Klobuchar (Minn) called the strike "a violent and inappropriate solution. It's akin to urging an abused spouse to arm herself against her abuser when the proper response is to obtain an order of protection. When I am president one of my first acts will be to petition the UN to grant us an order of protection against people like Soleimani. That will give us a legal way of responding to this threat. The prospect of being taken to court for disregarding such an order will be our deterrent against terrorists everywhere."

Sen. Elizabeth Warren likened the strike on Soleimani to "the murder of Crazy Horse in 1877 by US troops after he led his tribe in the defeat of General Custer at the Little Big Horn the year before. The pain my people suffered for his death is now being repeated among the Iranians whose beloved General was murdered by Trump's minions."

Former Vice-President Joe Biden characterized the strike as "a betrayal of the policy laid down by President Obama. All the gains made by the funds we released to Iran are now endangered. Iranian freedom fighters are now without their most skilled tactician. The Iranian people are weeping for the lost of their most revered military leader. I shudder to think of what will come next."

Non-presidential candidates Sen. Chuck Schumer (NY) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif) complained that "we were not given advanced notice of this strike. This prevented us from leaking the plan to the media and possibly saving the life of this high-ranking Iranian official."

Sen. Chris Murphy (Conn), who had previously criticized Trump for "allowing our Iraq Embassy to be attacked," lamented that "my good friend of so many years had to pay with his life for Trump's failure to protect our Embassy. What I had hoped for in my earlier criticism was an action along the lines laid out by my Senate colleague Amy Klobuchar."

Meanwhile, dissidents, feminists and secularists living under undemocratic regimes in Iran, Iraq, Syria and Lebanon have been tweeting their gratitude for the US action "against the prime enforcer of our oppression."

Candidate Lays Off Staff

Democratic presidential contender Marianne Williamson has laid off her entire campaign staff. She will, however, continue "my efforts to win the hearts and minds of the American people in my quest to rescue this country from the negative vibes emanating from the Trump tyranny."

"Unlike traditional campaigns that require money to push forward, I will follow the advice given by J.M. Barrie and focus on thinking happy thoughts," she explained. "If thinking happy thoughts could enable the Darling children to fly to Neverland, they should be able to energize voters to vote for the kind of change I am advocating."

Williamson says she will also "be leaving my bedroom window unlatched in case Peter Pan should show up to lend me a hand in my campaign."

Trump Accomplishments Called "Destabilizing"

The list of 319 positive accomplishments achieved during the first three years of the Trump Administration were assailed by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) as "further evidence of his unsuitability to serve as president. He has taken this country off of the track that his immediate predecessor set for America. The different direction Trump has set us on is, in effect, a derailment that has destabilized the nation."

Vice-President Mike Pence disagreed and pointed out that "we are living in a stronger and more secure America with the best economy in the history of this country. We're confident that this has been beneficial even for most of those who voted for Hillary Clinton in 2016."

"The claim that Trump and Pence have an obligation to fulfill promises they made to voters in 2016 is not valid," Pelosi argued. "More people voted against them than for them. Those who voted for Clinton didn't vote for prosperity or a stronger America. That Trump would act as if he has a mandate illustrates the abuse of power charge in the House's impeachment measure. He has steered the ship of state into dangerous waters. We must return to the well-traveled course laid out by President Obama before irreparable damage is done. The Senate should do its duty and vote to convict and remove him from office in order to protect voters from mistakenly reelecting him."

"The worst aspect of these trends is that the impacts are greatest at the lowest end of the pay scale," Pelosi added. "Voters who have been among the most reliable Democrat cohort are now being tempted to switch their allegiance to the GOP because of Trump. This could totally disrupt long-term voting patterns."

Successful Self-Defense in Texas Denounced

On the last Sunday of 2019, a gunman attempted a massacre of worshipers at the West Freeway Church of Christ in Fort Worth, Texas. In six seconds he was able to get off two shots that killed two people before a church member shot the gunman. Though a much worse massacre was averted, not everyone was happy with this outcome.

Former Vice-President Joe Biden called the Texas law allowing parishioners to carry firearms in church "irrational." Current Democratic presidential contender, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg insists that "only police should be authorized to carry firearms. I dare say that a lot of the people in that church had cell phones that could have been used to call the police for help. Granted, it may have taken five or ten minutes for them to arrive, but the parishioners could have sheltered in place and waited for rescue without any of them having the killing of another human being on their conscience."

"I doubt that the man who shot the gunman had the same kind of training the police have regarding when to shoot or not," Bloomberg continued. "How could he be sure he was doing the right thing? Even worse, there was a video showing that four or five other parishioners were also poised to fire at the attacking gunman. The vigilante approach demonstrated in Texas is not the kind of civilized response that we should be striving to cultivate in our citizens. It is better to endure a few massacres than to turn churches into a free-fire zone."

In related news, airmen at Offutt Air Force Base, Nebraska, will no longer be able to carry their personal firearms on base. Col. Gavin Marks, commander of Offutt's 55th Wing, announced the new policy, saying that "airmen need to be able to trust the armed personnel assigned to guard the base and should not be allowed to use deadly force on their own initiative. Previous failures at bases must not lead to the anarchy of every man defending himself."

Abortion the Leading Cause of Death for 2019

Once again, abortion topped the list of causes of death worldwide with a fatality total of over 42 million for the year. This was more human deaths than caused by dreaded killers like cancer (8 million), Smoking (5 million), infectious disease (13 million), and AIDS (1,7 million).

Planned Parenthood spokeswoman Adora Slaughter dismissed these figures, asserting that "unborn children aren't proper humans, they are a collection of human cells and shouldn't be labeled as fatalities, per se. Cancer cells are also human cells, but we don't count them in the death statistics when they are killed by surgery, radiation, or chemo. The Worldometers statistics that include abortions as human fatalities are just a cynical ploy aimed at denying a woman her inalienable right to terminate her unwanted offspring."

Cruz Health Care Reform Mocked

This week, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) proposed a four-page Personalized Care Act that would replace the 955-page Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). The gist of this legislation would be to put individuals in charge of their own health care choices. Unlike Obamacare, individuals would be permitted to choose coverage more suitable to their needs instead of being forced to buy coverage for procedures they don't need.

Democratic presidential candidates Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) blasted Cruz's proposal. Sanders called it "entirely antithetical to the concept of the common good. Individuals will selfishly buy only the coverage they need. They won't buy coverage for others who may need other medical services. For example, most of those needing gender reassignment surgery are too poor to pay for the coverage. If we don't compel others who have more money than they need to pay for them the individuals trapped in the wrong body will be left to suffer. That's why we need Medicare for all."

Warren focused on "the basic incompetence of individuals to decide what kind of care they need. Medical professionals and government experts are the ones with the knowledge and expertise required to make such momentous decisions. They will determine what is best for the whole of humanity. Individuals want to survive for selfish reasons. Only the experts know whether it is in the collective interest of society for specific individuals to survive or die. Sometimes it is better that low-value individuals be allowed to expire so that scarce resources can be conserved to save the lives of more important members of society."

Law Says Accused Must Be Given Victim's Name & Address

In its continuing quest to break new ground in the pursuit of justice, the State of New York now has a new requirement that the accused must be given the victim's name and address. Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) defended the new requirement, calling it the fulfillment of the accused's right to confront his accuser. The previous policy of confining this right to the courtroom is too limited. The ability to contact the accuser and witnesses, if any, prior to a trial will make the process fairer and more efficient."

"In many cases, victims of crimes are confused and uncertain about the details of encounters with those they accuse," Cuomo said. "Waiting until a trial to clear up these matters prevents earlier resolutions that may point to the lack of a need for a trial. The accused or his representative may be able to persuade the accuser that he or she has mistakenly identified the originally accused person rather than the actual perpetrator. This reform will help smooth out the process by reducing erroneous identifications or accusations."

Albany County District Attorney David Soares was less optimistic that the change will lead to positive results. "We already have procedures of discovery that ensure the defense access to trial evidence," he pointed out. "Giving out the kind of information this new law requires could endanger witnesses and victims and lead to intimidation or additional crimes against them by the perps."

In related news, Cuomo blamed Trump for the rise of anti-Semitic violence perpetrated by left-wing loons in New York City. "Trump may not have explicitly directed the attacks on Jews, but his policies favorable to Jews clearly have triggered the ingrained anti-Semitic hatred that has always simmered below the surface of some of the worst elements living in the City." Former New York Assemblyman Dov Hikind (D) disagreed, and cited "Trump's numerous condemnations of anti-Semitism, which is more than today's Democratic officeholders--Tlaib, Omar, AOC—are doing."

IRS Claims Hunter Biden Owes $112,000 in Taxes

The IRS has placed a lien on Hunter Biden's bank account for more than a hundred thousand dollars in taxes they say he owes for income received from Burisma.

Biden disputes the claim. "Taxes are only owed on income that is earned," he said. "The money I got from Burisma was more of a gift than an earned income. I mean, I did no work for them. I didn't even have to show up. Under the tax code, gifts are tax-free to the recipient. If anyone is liable for a tax, and I doubt anyone could be since Burisma is a foreign company, it would be the giver of the gift."

Paul Pelosi, jr., who has also been the recipient of deals similar to those enjoyed by Hunter Biden since his mother became House Speaker, averred that "there is a lot of wisdom in what Hunter said. Why should he and others like him be penalized for the kindness of strangers?"

In related news, while he was president, Barack Obama gave Pearson Publishing a $350 million contract with the federal government to create Commoncore text. Since he left office, Pearson Publishing returned the favor by giving Obama a $65 million book deal.

1 Comments in Response to

Comment by
Entered on:

This sort of "semi-satirical" reporting is fascinating! It deftly interweaves physical truth with truth of a different kind. You can already hear the howls of leftists driven into a fury by such "fake but accurate" news. ^_^


https://associations4az.phonesites.com/